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The original question wasn't about having a family Christmas with the whole brood. It simply asked whether we would allow the children to know one another. I believe I would. I would have no control over the other woman's attitude about my children, and I imagine that many would react like Ivory or Miu. I wouldn't have a problem with my husband, for instance, taking his children to a ball game. I'm not going to deny a child his father.
Yeah, but the kids wouldn't be getting to know each other in a vacuum or isolation! They'd invariably want to know why Joey's mum can't come over, too, and they might actually get to know the OW and, heh, they might even like her! She could be much younger and more hip than mum.
It would be opening a can of worms and, once opened, you don't know where they'll go.
Yeah, but the kids wouldn't be getting to know each other in a vacuum or isolation! They'd invariably want to know why Joey's mum can't come over, too, and they might actually get to know the OW and, heh, they might even like her! She could be much younger and more hip than mum.
It would be opening a can of worms and, once opened, you don't know where they'll go.
I don't understand why my kid would want Joey's mom to come over, and I could simply say no in any case. But I am picturing older children and I think you are picturing very small children, and every situation will be different.
The idea that a mother should prevent an innocent child from knowing his father because the other mother might be young and hip is just ... sad. Hip? I couldn't bear to live with that kind of insecurity and jealousy, I really couldn't.
I don't understand why my kid would want Joey's mom to come over, and I could simply say no in any case. But I am picturing older children and I think you are picturing very small children, and every situation will be different.
The idea that a mother should prevent an innocent child from knowing his father because the other mother might be young and hip is just ... sad. Hip? I couldn't bear to live with that kind of insecurity and jealousy, I really couldn't.
I wouldn't have children of any age knowing about Joey. What kind of example is daddy's illigitimate child from an affair for teenagers? IF I told the kids at all, it would be when they were adults and I don't think I'd even do that. What's the point? It's not like they need to know about joey. And information like that can do more harm than good.
We did not tell dh's oldest son that dh is not his father until he was older. It was a mistake letting him know. I hope he never looks up his sperm donors family. They don't deserve this can of worms.
There is no reason for them to be together so it's not anything to keep them apart. It's not like they're growing up in the same home, with the same morals being taught and knowing about each other could result in blame/guilt over the marriage that failed because of the infidelity. I think it best the kids don't know about each other. There's no reason they need to. Especially if there are differences in how they are being raised.
I really wouldn't want my kids around the OW's child. She will raise her child as she sees fit and I will raise mine as I see fit. I doubt she'd share my morals and I wouldn't want my kids picking up hers from her child. Visitation schedules can, easily, be arranged so the kids don't have to spend time together. They really shouldn't. Kids shouldn't have to compete with children my another woman when visiting their father. That's one of the issues of remarriage after divorce. Parents moving on to form new families that the children are not part of. I'd have to say that was the most painful part of my parents divorce.
Now, if he's with the OW, there's no choice in the matter but I see a lot of damage being done to the children as a result of knowing that she was the reason their home was destroyed.
Based on this reasoning your children shouldn't go to school. When kids interact with other children they exchange ideas and values. You can't control the morals of your children's classmates any more than you can control the morals of the new woman.
The reason why this happens is because Mothers decide that they don't want their kids spendign anytime with new woman or her kids. If your parents had been mature and allowed the two families to interact there would be no exclusion. Men are often forced to choose between the old family and new. They choose the new family because there is less negativity. So tell me what would you have preferred: to have a relationship with the new kids which would have let you have a relationship with your father or what you had - feeling left out and abandoned because he couldn't integrate both of his families?
No. There have been studies showing that children of divorced parents have committment issues as adults. In marriages, they are quick to bail and get a divorce.
And... isn't part of the AA communities problems with single parents due in part to bad role models of previous generations? Especially with their menfolk?
Anyway, I see zero reason for the children to have to socialize with each other, ever. No, I would not prevent my s/o from seeing his bastard children, but there is no way I would allow mutual play dates like we're one happy dysfunctional family. I have no desire to live a soap opera. And I can't see how acting as mature adults, the affair could be explained in a way that doesn't put the cheating man in some non-shameful light. How does one explain daddy breaking his marital vows to sleep with some other woman? Too much drinking one night? While children are growing up, it's very important for their parents to show them the importance of keeping a vow or a promise. Accepting the other children and having them socialize with mine is showing them that there are no bad consequences to their dad's cheating.
No the reason there are so many single parent families in Black communities is because for generations Black families were ripped apart and separated. After slavery, it was done economically. People tend to forget that Black people have not been on the same level as other cultures for the past 200 years. We are barely coming out of the ravages of slavery and the aftermath of extreme prejudice. The Civil Rights Act of 1964 is only 45 years old. Do you really expect 200 years of inequality to be wiped out in 45 years? Especially when we are just barely reaching a level of gruding respect and acceptance?
I don't get all these people making babies. They obviously got into an affair with someone for sex, so why not use birthcontrol. Condoms have virtually no side effect, and now they have latex-free. Is it just laziness? Gosh, what happened to responsiblity?
Nebulous, yes, this is what I'm saying. Folks have gotten off point here. Started off, would you let your kid and OW's kid, get to know each other. WTH would you? It's not like, it was a previous relationship. Secondly, why are people screwing around, on their spouses, and giving babies to the OW??? Duh, talk about HIV and what not, from other posts, okay, uh, so the man's indiscretion, becomes the wife's problem to deal with? NOT!
What I think is sad, is why is the wife, the one that has to make adjustments? That's crazy. Elizabeth Edwards probably stuttered, because it was a ridiculous and dumbazz question. In interviews, she didn't want the woman's name mentioned, so...that's for her husband to deal with. That what I got from that interview.
The point is that the children have nothing to do with what the adults did. And in this specific situation, the affair is public so there is no "protect the children from his infidelity" issue. It's known, it's out there. The children can know each other without the women being involved in each other's lives.
But that would take planning. We're supposed to believe that these affairs were "accidents". Taking the time to buy a condom shows it's a deliberate action.
Ivorytickler,
Okay, I see what you wrote, but do you actually believe that? Taking the time to buy a condom shows, it's a deliberate action? Having, a sexual affair, in this case, is not a criminal offense, lol. Uh, the deliberate action, is when the dude had the thought in his head, both heads, to sleep with the OW. That was the deliberate action. If the dumb dude was smart, he would've used protection, safer sex practices, whatever. And, I'm not buying the, condom-broke crap. Seems like, the mentality of most, OW, is, they could care less, if they get pregnant, and are probably hoping to get pregnant. She probably wanted a baby. That's the tragedy in stories like these.
Happened with me and my EX, I had two beautiful girls by him, he had an affair with my so called best friend, I kicked him and her to the curb. But I did not deny the child to my girls. It is not the other childs fault his father was careless and unthoughtful. Why should that child and mine be denied the right of their sibling because of the thoughtless acts of the father?
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