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I have single,widowed and divorced friends, but I noticed my married friends and I are parting ways. I understand they have a "new" life and some have kids, not to mention their extended families. But it's kind of amazing that friendships that were so loyal changed for the worse so quickly. I call them every once in a while but, if I didn't check in on them, I doubt they'd call me. I've stopped calling them.
What's your take on this? If you're single, have you basically said WTF and moved on?
I have single,widowed and divorced friends, but I noticed my married friends and I are parting ways. I understand they have a "new" life and some have kids, not to mention their extended families. But it's kind of amazing that friendships that were so loyal changed for the worse so quickly. I call them every once in a while but, if I didn't check in on them, I doubt they'd call me. I've stopped calling them.
What's your take on this? If you're single, have you basically said WTF and moved on?
I think this is a problem with a lot of people. But we single people need to understand that their lives and priorities do change. I don't agree that they should drop us all together, and in that case, I'd leave them be. But I think it is this way more in the beginning. After a while some come around, if they're in healthy relationships.
I have single,widowed and divorced friends, but I noticed my married friends and I are parting ways. I understand they have a "new" life and some have kids, not to mention their extended families. But it's kind of amazing that friendships that were so loyal changed for the worse so quickly. I call them every once in a while but, if I didn't check in on them, I doubt they'd call me. I've stopped calling them.
What's your take on this? If you're single, have you basically said WTF and moved on?
Yep. And I agree with you -- it's sad. In some ways, though, it can be a prediction on how the marriage is going to go. Those who are encouraged/manipulated to give up their long-standing friends are going to find themselves in a very controlling and insular marriage.
It's funny, because I'm the opposite. When I'm dating someone seriously, I WANT to spend time with the close friends and family of my SO because I figure they will be an important part of my life, too! (Heh, I actually broke up with a guy partly because I could not STAND his best friend -- he was a vegan, unkempt, growing-pot-via-hydroponics hippy who embarrassed the heck out of me when we'd go out with him and his girlfriend! My SO just loved the quirkiness of the guy and we'd get into arguments after every social occasion with them. I knew their friendship was solid and I couldn't deal so I moved on.)
Anyhoo, I think that when you get seriously involved and/or married to someone, you are bringing other people who are important to them into your life, as well. I would never tell my SO not to see his friends or interfere with those friendships in any way. They are important to him and if I can't deal, then I should let him go.
Your friends get married. They now live in a different world,
with different priorities, and different loyalties. And for them,
the future has changed.
I think people like this are what I call Convenience Friends.
As long as you are both walking pretty much the same path,
they are close. When theirs takes a turn, they fade out.
Unfortunately, it's just life.
Yep. And I agree with you -- it's sad. In some ways, though, it can be a prediction on how the marriage is going to go. Those who are encouraged/manipulated to give up their long-standing friends are going to find themselves in a very controlling and insular marriage.
It's funny, because I'm the opposite. When I'm dating someone seriously, I WANT to spend time with the close friends and family of my SO because I figure they will be an important part of my life, too! (Heh, I actually broke up with a guy partly because I could not STAND his best friend -- he was a vegan, unkempt, growing-pot-via-hydroponics hippy who embarrassed the heck out of me when we'd go out with him and his girlfriend! My SO just loved the quirkiness of the guy and we'd get into arguments after every social occasion with them. I knew their friendship was solid and I couldn't deal so I moved on.)
Anyhoo, I think that when you get seriously involved and/or married to someone, you are bringing other people who are important to them into your life, as well. I would never tell my SO not to see his friends or interfere with those friendships in any way. They are important to him and if I can't deal, then I should let him go.
What an outstanding, enlightened post. If everyone recognized what you recognize, the world would be a happier place!
I've found there are four potential things that drive apart friends when one becomes attached, be it a relationship, or marriage.
1) The single friend expects everything to stay the same.
This obviously won't be the case. Things don't have to change a lot, but they will change a little. One-on-one time will be lessened some (but in the case of best friends, should not be eliminated!). Group events will probably include his girlfriend/wife in most cases. He's not going to want to go to pick-up bars with you anymore. And so on. These aren't fundamental changes in the friendship, they are more, minor changes in how it is carried out. Nonetheless, sometimes the single person expects it all to be exactly the same, and gets frustrated, and takes it out on his friend, which then gets his friend frustrated, and things start to go downhill.
2) The single friend doesn't accept/embrace his friend's new SO.
This is common too. Bottom line, if the single friend makes it known that he only wants to see his attached buddy in the absence of said buddy's girlfriend/wife, it creates problems. At minimum, it places an artificial limit on how much time the friends can spend together - it makes the attached friend "choose" between two people who are important to him. It also tends to convey a lack of acceptance on the part of the single friend, and over time, that is bound to create a rift between the two friends.
As an example, my best friend recently started dating someone. I've made efforts to be as inclusive as possible and to get to know the girl well, and its paid big dividends, both in gaining a new friend, and in strengthening my friendship with my buddy. Heck, the three of us even do stuff together on occasion haha. Yes, I realize society labels that as "lame" but society can suck it. We are all friends, why shouldn't we do stuff together?
3) Jelousy.
This is usually with best friends. The single friend see himself as being in competition with the girlfriend/wife for his best friend's time / affection. Left unchecked, it can sink a friendship pretty quickly. And frankly, its ridiculous. Friends and romantic relationships are different things. A girlfriend doesn't replace a best friend, and the vice versa is true as well! Both fulfill very different needs in one's life. The single friend needs to step back and realize his buddy's SO in no way changes their friendship - it might change how its carried out, but there's no reason it can't stay as strong as ever.
4) The attached friend drops off the face of the earth and makes no time for the single friend.
This happens a lot too. Its unfortunate, but there's not much the single friend can do about it. He can talk to his friend about it, say he misses him, misses spending time with him, and so forth... but bottom line, the ball is in the attached friend's court here. The only advice I've got to the single friend in this instance is to keep contact up. Try not to get angry about it. It may be a temporary thing - as the "newness" of a relationship / marriage wears off, your friend may come around, and you'll be glad you were proactive about staying in touch.
My best friend got married and that took up a lot of her time. Then she had a little one, and we don't talk as much any more. These days I have to call her. She's also working on a Master's so she's just super busy. It hurts, but whatever. I love her. I'd do anything for her. So, I'll make the calls. We're hoping to buy some kind of time share or joint ownership summer home so we can vacation once a year together with the families. It's harder because we live very far from eachother, always have for most of our relationship.
I have single,widowed and divorced friends, but I noticed my married friends and I are parting ways. I understand they have a "new" life and some have kids, not to mention their extended families. But it's kind of amazing that friendships that were so loyal changed for the worse so quickly. I call them every once in a while but, if I didn't check in on them, I doubt they'd call me. I've stopped calling them.
What's your take on this? If you're single, have you basically said WTF and moved on?
I have one married friend who kept all of her friends after being married, and really does keep in touch.
I had one friend, when I was younger, tell me, on the night before she got married (she had asked me to be in the wedding too), that she could no longer associate with me, because "married people just don't hang out with singles, you understand don't you."
Oh, I understood, and about 15 years later, when she tried to look me up, she had her husband call me because I didn't return her calls. I though that was sneaky, too.
I just said that single people don't hang out with marrieds.
See, it was okay for her to hurt me and be opportunistic. She used me when we were single to meet men. Once she started dating this guy, I rarely heard from her. She only wanted to hang out in couples, like it was a status symbol.
Yep. And I agree with you -- it's sad. In some ways, though, it can be a prediction on how the marriage is going to go. Those who are encouraged/manipulated to give up their long-standing friends are going to find themselves in a very controlling and insular marriage.
It's funny, because I'm the opposite. When I'm dating someone seriously, I WANT to spend time with the close friends and family of my SO because I figure they will be an important part of my life, too! (Heh, I actually broke up with a guy partly because I could not STAND his best friend -- he was a vegan, unkempt, growing-pot-via-hydroponics hippy who embarrassed the heck out of me when we'd go out with him and his girlfriend! My SO just loved the quirkiness of the guy and we'd get into arguments after every social occasion with them. I knew their friendship was solid and I couldn't deal so I moved on.)
Anyhoo, I think that when you get seriously involved and/or married to someone, you are bringing other people who are important to them into your life, as well. I would never tell my SO not to see his friends or interfere with those friendships in any way. They are important to him and if I can't deal, then I should let him go.
You're smart. You won't ever be alone, no matter what!
You're smart. You won't ever be alone, no matter what!
LOL, well, I am alone now but it's by choice. had to get health issues under control. very soon, I'll be back in the game, though!
Just a hunch, but it seems that women are more willing to drop their friends for a guy than men are. Sad. I do know, though, that when a man was jealous of any time I spent with my friends or was overly critical of them for no good reason, it set off alarm bells in my head. Some people isolate their significant other as the first means of controlling them.
LOL, well, I am alone now but it's by choice. had to get health issues under control. very soon, I'll be back in the game, though!
Just a hunch, but it seems that women are more willing to drop their friends for a guy than men are. Sad. I do know, though, that when a man was jealous of any time I spent with my friends or was overly critical of them for no good reason, it set off alarm bells in my head. Some people isolate their significant other as the first means of controlling them.
It's a game out here alright.
Lots of players, wanting to see if they can get attention from you, but they never want to meet or go anywhere.
I am tired of it.
I pretty much now keep to myself and just do things on my own and have fun.
If others can get by in life alone so can I.
I thought everyone wanted a special someone to hang out with and do things with, but I guess I am warped for thinking that!
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Oh yeah
