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The other part is that it could be a 'you're coming on too fast and desperate and needy in wanting a friend'. In your situation it is perfectly understandable though........
Right. Unlike in school where I was around the same people every day, these days I will usually get a 5 to 10 minute chat with somebody about once every few weeks or so. That's not enough to build trust. After we've talked a few times and it feels like we are potential friends, I will invite him to go do something so we can spend more time together. That's when things go south. It hurts because I am a shy person and I really step out of my comfort zone to try to reach out to these people.
After we've talked a few times and it feels like we are potential friends, I will invite him to go do something so we can spend more time together. That's when things go south.
could be one of two things:
1. you might seem too "needy" and the person doesn't like that
2. you might without realizing it be sending off "date" vibes (of sexual attraction) rather than "friend" vibes (of just hanging out)
whether they are a man or a woman, most people can usually tell, if someone indicates an interest in spending more time together, if it's as a "friend" or if it's more "coming on" as in sexual attraction. Not through overt words or actions, but by what they feel or sense.
Based on what your posts over the course of this thread have said, my sense is that you are sending out date vibes of attraction. This can be totally unintentional on your part, but they are there nonetheless.
Gaydar is very real. Oftentimes the last person to know they are sending out gay vibes, is the person themself, particularly if they have qualms or discomfort or are resistant or are judgmental to exploring gay feelings within their own self.
In other words, everyone around you could be realizing you are gay, and you are the last to know. It happens all the time. Really. The joke in the gay community is how do you know if you might be gay? Everyone all around you suddenly is assuming you are gay and you are the only one puzzled by it.
i have a question for the opening post person...how open are you to hanging out with gay men? I'm not talking about crusing bars or anonymous sex. I'm talking about putting yourself around men who are gay, and having conversations that are simple and sincere.
There are many stages to coming out. It happens over time, over a spectrum. And it doesn't mean running out and having sex right away either (unless that's what you want). A person can be exploring how it feels to be gay without ever even having sex with another person. Give yourself room to breathe, and think, and feel, and observe, without judgment, and see where it takes you.
A man sleeping with a man doesn't make him gay. Lots of people (men and women) have a fling with someone their own gender, and based on that, decide they are heterosexual after all, they were just curious, and wanted to try it as something curious or exotic. Or a person may find they like sexually both genders so may feel more bisexual.
There is no right way or wrong way, nothing is set in stone forever and ever. There are many ways to do relationship, and what matters is that you are happy and accepted and able to be loved and accepted for who you are. That is a joyful place to live.
Guys probably get the gay vibe from the OP, however, everybody perceiving him as gay is a bad thing where he lives. It's not a plus by any means. I guess it is like high school where people are still very immature and prejudiced against differences.
I don't know the level of hate crimes, skinhead, and KKK activity where he lives ........... but if that stuff is obvious where he lives then of course nobody is going to want to be his friend.....
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzaphkiel
could be one of two things:
1. you might seem too "needy" and the person doesn't like that
2. you might without realizing it be sending off "date" vibes (of sexual attraction) rather than "friend" vibes (of just hanging out)
whether they are a man or a woman, most people can usually tell, if someone indicates an interest in spending more time together, if it's as a "friend" or if it's more "coming on" as in sexual attraction. Not through overt words or actions, but by what they feel or sense.
Based on what your posts over the course of this thread have said, my sense is that you are sending out date vibes of attraction. This can be totally unintentional on your part, but they are there nonetheless.
Gaydar is very real. Oftentimes the last person to know they are sending out gay vibes, is the person themself, particularly if they have qualms or discomfort or are resistant or are judgmental to exploring gay feelings within their own self.
In other words, everyone around you could be realizing you are gay, and you are the last to know. It happens all the time. Really. The joke in the gay community is how do you know if you might be gay? Everyone all around you suddenly is assuming you are gay and you are the only one puzzled by it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzaphkiel
i have a question for the opening post person...how open are you to hanging out with gay men? I'm not talking about crusing bars or anonymous sex. I'm talking about putting yourself around men who are gay, and having conversations that are simple and sincere.
There are many stages to coming out. It happens over time, over a spectrum. And it doesn't mean running out and having sex right away either (unless that's what you want). A person can be exploring how it feels to be gay without ever even having sex with another person. Give yourself room to breathe, and think, and feel, and observe, without judgment, and see where it takes you.
A man sleeping with a man doesn't make him gay. Lots of people (men and women) have a fling with someone their own gender, and based on that, decide they are heterosexual after all, they were just curious, and wanted to try it as something curious or exotic. Or a person may find they like sexually both genders so may feel more bisexual.
There is no right way or wrong way, nothing is set in stone forever and ever. There are many ways to do relationship, and what matters is that you are happy and accepted and able to be loved and accepted for who you are. That is a joyful place to live.
A man sleeping with a man doesn't make him gay. Lots of people (men and women) have a fling with someone their own gender, and based on that, decide they are heterosexual after all, they were just curious, and wanted to try it as something curious or exotic. Or a person may find they like sexually both genders so may feel more bisexual.
I think a man who slept with a man is "broken..." -- and he is GAY for doing that!
I never "broke" myself...
Guys don't wanna be called gay because society looks down on that, women hate that, people ostracize you, and then the job discrimination hits hard...
Dude-maybe you ARE GAY? Isnt it such feelings that make guys start questioning thier sexuality in the first place? Just askin--
How does that make him gay (or maybe his post flew over your head)?
BTW, I am not gay but I have a friend who is gay. We talk, we hang out -- it really makes no difference. Like the OP, I also feel that many of us are far too "hung up" on these issues....people are people, at the end of the day.
If a straight guy is straight it would be really rude and offensive to call him gay or to think of him as gay. That's just my opinion.
If the guy is real into art, music, hair, or fashion and he is very cool then most people don't mind if he is gay. The guy fits the role.
The only times when a gay person is going to be ostracized and hated are in Fundamentalist Christian communities and churches. If he happens to come upon a Christian employer then of course he is going to discriminate.
Also there are several gay people in society that have not been ostracized by society here is the list: Sigfried and Roy, Liberace, Elton John, the singer for REM, Ellen, Rosi O' Donnell (if she is rejected it's because of her personality), Clay Aiken, Versace, Clive Barker, Andy Bell, Boy George, George Michael, Alan Cumming, Lance Bass, etc.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesse69
I think a man who slept with a man is "broken..." -- and he is GAY for doing that!
I never "broke" myself...
Guys don't wanna be called gay because society looks down on that, women hate that, people ostracize you, and then the job discrimination hits hard...
I never worried about it. I've got close friends (male) who I go places with all the time...movies, sporting events, beach, camping, walking around the city, bar hopping, restaurants etc. Not sure if anyone ever thought of us as gay, but I could care less if they did. Some guys feel that the worst thing you can be accused of is being gay. I'd rather live in a safe neighborhood full of gays than a dangerous 'hood full of manly thugs.
Also there are several gay people in society that have not been ostracized by society here is the list: Sigfried and Roy, Liberace, Elton John, the singer for REM, Ellen, Rosi O' Donnell (if she is rejected it's because of her personality), Clay Aiken, Versace, Clive Barker, Andy Bell, Boy George, George Michael, Alan Cumming, Lance Bass, etc.
Bigshots like those people are ignored for being gay, but for the avg person being gay hurts a lot! I'm only a crossdresser, but people call me "gay" and oftentimes I've been ostracized from friendships just because of that... Many straight people are homophobic and don't wanna have gay friends...
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