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I am in a similar place, being with my gf for a year. I do love her a lot and believed I was "in love with her" but sometimes that is not enough. We have had a very rocky road and I have focused on all the negatives and differences and it has pushed us apart. Broke up a few times and now we are in limbo trying to figure out what the best thing for us to do is. There is no perfect person out there for us. Everyone is different and it seems everyone is looking for the bigger and better deal and sadly I have been guilty of this too. I think you have to get to a point in life where you have to be realistic and know when you have a good thing or when you don't. You can't expect to find the perfect mate... I believe you have to find someone that has a tolerable amount of negative or differences that you are willing to put up with. Any more than what you are willing to tolerate then it will just not work out.
If you do not have something you do not like about the person...You do not know them yet.
So "love" is merely novel infatuation. Real love is earned through time and respect. Not from across the room in an instant. I think you can fall out of love with someone if they do something to break an intrinsic bond between the two like cheating or abuse.
I do not think you know anyone until you have been in each other's company quite a bit. At least a year or until you have seen them go through some really bad times and good times to get the full dynamic of the person's real core self.
Straight to the point, you realize at some point in life you will most likely never find some one who is perfect for you, maybe really good, but not perfect. So, my question is, at what point, if at all, do you have to consider that a relationship won't work because the differences are to great, you may be in love, but will your relationship make is through marriage. As far as how to quantify "differences" i'm not sure, but while my girlfriend and i are similar, we still have a lot of differences. At this point i've really stopped worrying, but i'm just looking for some opinions.
I feel that if you've stopped "worrying" about the relationship, then like others have said, you're not in love.
For example: I just got out of a relationship that was on and off for 3 and a half years. He dumped me each time cuz of our "differences", despite how much fun we had together and despite how intimate the relationship was. so basically, our only "difference" was that I loved him more than anything and would have done anything to work through our so called "differences" but the minute some kind of communication problem came up, he would bolt. I on the other hand, never bolted and wanted to "work things out". Why? because I loved him no matter what and could have done so forever. he didn't love me enough so he would irrationally end things each time. Of course when we first me, he was like me: the type to do anything for the one they love, at any costs. so ya, he possibly did fall out of love and now doesn't love me enough to "work things out" when I did..but like someone else said, if you don't stay in love, it never was love to begin with and I agree 100%! So once again, he probably never really loved me anyways.
As far as diffrences go; well, I wouldn't want to date a girl so naturally I'm going to have differences with every man I date. When differences start affecting the quality or how "right" the relationship feels, then its done.
I hope some of you who are in this rough patch in your relationships aren't being irrational and are only done with "working things out" because your heart is just not in it anymore. If you're questioning it at all, you probably never loved that person as much as you think you did.
Anyways, I was just stating my situation as an example of how when you don't love someone, or only one person is giving in the relationship, it won't work no matter what! hence, that proves, if you don't love someone enough, you just won't care or try hard enough to work anything out, leaving the person who does care enough, heartbroken.
On the flip side, if both people love each other enough, the so called "differences" will hardly be noticed and as much work as a relationship is, it will hardly seem like work and both people enjoy each other despite the "rough patches". this is where you have couples like my best friends parents who are very happily married for 25 years now and still very in love, despite all their troubles. Now that's love and that what we all should strive for. Oddly enough, even my ex's parents are that in love and I think they've been married longer. I hope nobody out there will settle for less than what these couples have, I know I won't!
I feel that if you've stopped "worrying" about the relationship, then like others have said, you're not in love.
For example: I just got out of a relationship that was on and off for 3 and a half years. He dumped me each time cuz of our "differences", despite how much fun we had together and despite how intimate the relationship was. so basically, our only "difference" was that I loved him more than anything and would have done anything to work through our so called "differences" but the minute some kind of communication problem came up, he would bolt. I on the other hand, never bolted and wanted to "work things out". Why? because I loved him no matter what and could have done so forever. he didn't love me enough so he would irrationally end things each time. Of course when we first me, he was like me: the type to do anything for the one they love, at any costs. so ya, he possibly did fall out of love and now doesn't love me enough to "work things out" when I did..but like someone else said, if you don't stay in love, it never was love to begin with and I agree 100%! So once again, he probably never really loved me anyways.
As far as diffrences go; well, I wouldn't want to date a girl so naturally I'm going to have differences with every man I date. When differences start affecting the quality or how "right" the relationship feels, then its done.
I hope some of you who are in this rough patch in your relationships aren't being irrational and are only done with "working things out" because your heart is just not in it anymore. If you're questioning it at all, you probably never loved that person as much as you think you did.
Anyways, I was just stating my situation as an example of how when you don't love someone, or only one person is giving in the relationship, it won't work no matter what! hence, that proves, if you don't love someone enough, you just won't care or try hard enough to work anything out, leaving the person who does care enough, heartbroken.
On the flip side, if both people love each other enough, the so called "differences" will hardly be noticed and as much work as a relationship is, it will hardly seem like work and both people enjoy each other despite the "rough patches". this is where you have couples like my best friends parents who are very happily married for 25 years now and still very in love, despite all their troubles. Now that's love and that what we all should strive for. Oddly enough, even my ex's parents are that in love and I think they've been married longer. I hope nobody out there will settle for less than what these couples have, I know I won't!
So there's my 2 cents .
I agree completely. There are couples who have been through hell itself and they still wont give up. EVERYBODY and their mother has told them "leave her/him, they're only causing you pain" and you see them together for eternity. Love just doesn't die. It just never existed . It was simple lust, or a fantasy, or a crush. If a man breaks up with a woman who didn't feed his dog so he can be with a woman who CHEATED on him, then we all know who he really loves, no matter what he says.
I agree completely. There are couples who have been through hell itself and they still wont give up. EVERYBODY and their mother has told them "leave her/him, they're only causing you pain" and you see them together for eternity. Love just doesn't die. It just never existed . It was simple lust, or a fantasy, or a crush. If a man breaks up with a woman who didn't feed his dog so he can be with a woman who CHEATED on him, then we all know who he really loves, no matter what he says.
Thank you!!! so true! love does not die if it happened!
Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
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Dunno that I have the answer to your OP, but as an older "veteran" of the relationship "wars", and one who has invested a fair amount of $$$ in marriage & couples counselors of all philosophies (I could write a book!), I'll offer 2 "takeaways" here from my own experience.
First, if this is a relationship with any real meaning and substance to you (whatever the difficulties), then you get to quit only after you've exhausted every effort, every avenue, every fibre of your being... then and only then, do you get to say "I'm done!".
Second, and this is paraphrasing Dr. John Gottman, who's actually done years of clinical research into what makes a marriage last. Basically he says that in any relationship there will always be some problems. Some you can change, some you'll see modest improvement over time, and finally, there'll be some problems that will always persist, unchanged, as part of the relationship.
But he goes on to say that, even with a new relationship, though the problems may be different, the pattern always stays the same... some things will change, some will change slowly, and some will never, ever change at all! Regardless whether you're young or old, or which relationship, he says that pattern will always be the same in every one.
Exactly! It's the best indicator. The person may be perfectly OK on paper, in the eyes of others, etc., but if s/he doesn't do it for you, it's not right for you.
Isn't that the appearance of a lot of relationships? Couples seemed to be perfect for each other but what goes on behind doors, behind hearts and behind brains can be quite different.
But if the person doesn't do it for you, its not right for you ... yes, but how about the good parts. Are they enough to make up for the things that don't work between the two .. I guess trying to qualify the differences might help - some may be deal breakers, some might be "worked out"
Straight to the point, you realize at some point in life you will most likely never find some one who is perfect for you, maybe really good, but not perfect. So, my question is, at what point, if at all, do you have to consider that a relationship won't work because the differences are to great, you may be in love, but will your relationship make is through marriage. As far as how to quantify "differences" i'm not sure, but while my girlfriend and i are similar, we still have a lot of differences. At this point i've really stopped worrying, but i'm just looking for some opinions.
It depends a lot on the differences. Take a look at each other's families because like it or not most people become more like their families in certain aspects. Religion for example might not be too important until the children come along and then for many people traditions and religion take on new meaning.
Differences on how to spend money or save money can lead to problems. Also social class - if one is embarassed with the other in any way, that is a red flag.
Obviously everyone is going to find something annoying but if the annoyances are more than minor, can't easily be laughed off, joked about that's a red flag.
And back to children - it's critical to discuss something about them because later -- it will be too late. If one spouse believes strongly that children should never go to day care or babysitters and that one income is sufficient, but the other believes the opposite, there will be problems.
But - you have to have some arguments and fights because how someone reacts at those times reveals a whole lot about them.
Love can indeed die. People change, or do things that can slowly - or suddenly - kill the love. My ex's behavior slowly killed my love for her, though it took 20 years to destroy it. Sometimes, an act of betrayal can kill it suddenly. That does not negate the fact that you were in love previously. Everlasting love is rare, and for most people, little more than a myth.
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