My relationship with myself. (wife, marry, lover, therapy)

[Theliberalvoice]

Yes, I know there are horrible people on this forum who will probably laugh and say I deserve how I feel. Some will claim I am trolling. It has happened before but I just need to talk to someone so badly.
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Lately it seems as though everyday I wake up, dreading it.There are times when I feel like I do not even care if I live anymore.I find myself getting so frustrated at every little thing.I find myself angry and angry and angry.I am angry at myself,at family,friends and lover.I feel like my family has wronged me.

I have no desire to go to school or do anything.I just want to sleep and sleep and forget everything.I see no point in anything I do.Who will remember?Who will care?Why even bother?I get offended if anyone says anything having to do with my looks even if it is good.I rarely have a smile on my face.I feel so empty deep inside.

I used to never cry. In my early teen years,I only cried about three times that I can remember)but now I notice that I am crying almost every week over stupid things. Now there are always tears threatening to fall down in front of everyone. I burst out crying in front of my manager over something so stupid that even I could not believe it. She asked me if I was ok but I could tell she was very surprised at how I was acting.

My family(extended ones as well)all talk about me like 'wow..we have to do something about her. She just looks so angry but when it comes to therapy,they all deny there is problem. I went anyways but even that could not help me. They just tell me "oh. God gave you life. Be happy." They put me on anti depressants and it makes me throw up and sicker than ever. I cannot eat or sleep. I just sit there like a zombie.

I get so jealous when I see anyone happy.I do not want to see anyone happy.I get so insanely jealous and angry when I see good things happening to others because I feel nothing good ever happens to me.I am just cursed with being born. My birth was a curse.

My parents made a mistake by giving me life.I am curse dealing with everything.

I get insanely angry thinking about how I am female.I hate it so much..I hate myself..I hate my parents for this..

I am not supposed to work or have a career. I cannot marry who I love. I have people dictating me.

My mother always asks "Why has God cursed me with you?" I just shake my head and ask her why she did not throw me out the hospital window when I was born or aborted me. I would not have cared.

I don't even know what to say. I don't even know what I did to my family or anyone. I am not a bad child. I get all A's in college courses, don't drink, don't smoke, don't do drugs, don't party, don't even leave the house because they don't want me too, I never got pregnant at a young age, I never brought the cops home. I don't ask them for anything. Everyone always tells them "Oh I wish my kid was like Sharon (me). I wish my kid was so hard working!" But nope. It is never enough. They want more. They want to yell at me while screaming that it is the end of the world now.

I hate seeing others happy..I am so frustrated that it hurts to EVEN BREATHE.

I am so lost and confused. But mainly all I feel is anger. Sometimes, I even want to harm myself. I wonder why I am dealing with this still. I wonder if anyone gives a ****.

I feel I have always been looked down upon.Nobody listens to me until it is too late and then they blame me. I used to get smacked around for as little as making a peep.

I am always there for others but when it comes times for them to help me, they all run away like sick *****.

[Waynec613]

That sounds more like a serious mental health crisis to me, not exactly in the scope of 'relationships' or even sane behavioral thinking for that matter. My advise would be to seek actual help ASAP, not someone that will simply give you more pills either.

[Dbl-r]

Wow!.....so sorry you feel the way you do. First off let me say I don't have a link for you to click on to, to get help. I don't have any referrals to send you to. I can't even offer you any words of wisdom or healing at this point that would make you feel any better. Sounds to me like you are filled with negativity from the start of everyday thru the end of day. I'm sure folks will say it's the attitude you embrace and you should change if you can. Only thing I can offer you is my friendship if you like and you may contact me here at anytime. That decision is yours, everything will be just fine.

[PassTheChocolate]

Originally Posted by Waynec613

That sounds more like a serious mental health crisis to me, not exactly in the scope of 'relationships' or even sane behavioral thinking for that matter. My advise would be to seek actual help ASAP, not someone that will simply give you more pills either.

I agree. Go get some professional help and quick.

[TexianPatriot]

Statism can do that. Loss of self and individual identity are some of the problems with cultural and political marxism. Sorry for the partisan jab, but you've got to do something for yourself. Find out just who you are as a person and cut yourself off from the Matrix world we live in. Get outdoors. Take a vacation to the wilderness. Read Waldon by Henry David Thoreau. Disconnect. Get back to the basics. I'm not saying go Amish or anything, but realize that you don't need any of the crap our leaders and society tell you that you need. Get laid.

[hothulamaui]

sharon big big hugs for you with warmest aloha. it sounds like you have a ton going on and even if it is all tied together I see them as seperate problems to address. not to worry I think some of it is your age, you are in transisiton and maturing. you are smart enough to see the conflict and question. you are rebelling for a lack of a better word, the reality of life lived like you think your parents want you to live. you are a good person and want to please people but to live that life is not pleasing. no wonder you are mad. get jealous and the rest of it.
I am not saying it's easy but sometimes it is as simple as making a choice to do something different. many people stay in the same place because they are too afraid of failure, or the what if's, to make a change. you really, really need a direction to go. something to work towards that makes you happy. you need a life.
you need a physical to make sure your hormones are in line. the meds for anxiety, my goal would be to not be taking any. only you really know what your mental and medical needs are.
I would make a list, all that you want to change, then make a plan. get them fixed, check them off one by one.
all of us live life as ourselves we do the best we can with who we are. look at your parents and friends as who they are, not what you wish they are. loved ones try to help, but we are the product of who we are too, and we are just annoying.
make your list of what and who you want to be and get it done. find your joy!

[NVplumber]

I went through a bout of depression like this a few years back. Maybe not quite so bad as what you are describing, but bad enough.It can be a tough nut to crack. Pills don't help, thats a fact, and support from those close to you can be elusive. Nothing they tryed to do seemed to make any sense and often made me angrier. My son is what pulled me out of it. When he was born it made me feel like I had a purpose again. Before he came along I was at odds with my wife over everything, I saw everthng she did as standing in my way or trying to crush my dreams. Depression is an insidious enemy. Sneaky beyond compare and destructive beyond belief. We found a really good counselor and she helped a lot, but all therapists are not created equal. You have to find the right one, but when you do they can sure help get you back on track. The best thing I can suggest is don't let it beat you. Put it in your head that you ARE important and you do have something to contribute and then start contributing. What other people think, no matter, if it makes you feel good thats what you need to concentrate on. Life is precious, and there is a lot of joy out there to experience. Sure there is bad stuff mixed in, but you just need to put that aside and jump into the good stuff. You won't find the latter without getting a little dirty, but it's worth it when you do find it and remember, a person who is looking for something doesn't travel too fast. Good luck!

[Coolhand68]

You really need to discuss this with a therapist to get down to the root of the issue. Nameless, faceless folks on anonymous internet sites can only take you so far.

[yankeegirl313]

I`m sorry that you feel so angry, sad, lonely, depressed, etc.
All I can tell you, is to find it within yourself, to pull yourself out of this mess!
You are here for a reason, just like we all are....I feel disappointed to hear you say all of these negative things about yourself. We all get down, in a time in our life, but eventually we try to find bits of the positive side of life, and go with it, not bury ourselves deeper into the darkness!
If you want to vent, DM me. I`m a good listener! Good luck!

[Theliberalvoice]

Everyone,

Thank you so much for your reply.

It means a lot.

What do you all do when you are depressed or angry?