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Old 06-09-2009, 01:59 PM
 
Location: middle of everywhere
1,792 posts, read 3,484,183 times
Reputation: 1635

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Waynec613 View Post
That's still selfish IMO, I've had one gf that I was friends with previously try the same scenario, I severed contact, totally. She moved on. She's last I heard, doing great with a nice guy that could give her what I could not. Besides maybe compassion in this case, as I realize I might be sounding harsh in this next bit if I haven't already..

I heard that rationalization from the ex-friend as well. "Well, I told him I wasn't really interested right now because I'm focus...", after that I tend to zone out into my own little happy place because I just can't believe what I've already heard. That leaves some possibility of winning you over by some means. Throwing a bone.

You ARE familiar with the expression "if you love something set it free"? You might as well just stick a collar on his neck and put a bowl out in the doghouse from time to time when you have need of him. I'm sure it's great to have that 'friend zone' friend that in some cataclysmic event were to happen, you might think of sex with him, but if you KNOW how much he's clinging, as a friend, wouldn't you want to do what was necessary to make or let him move on?

Fairly moot points by the sound of it now anyhow.
I understand where you are coming from.

When I stopped taking his calls, I was adamant about it. He tried calling from all kind of strange numbers, private numbers, etc. It was at the point I could not answer numbers that wasn't already programmed in my phone. I can wish this guy well and never look back or contact him for any reason. Trust me.

The hardest part will be getting away from him as he chases me. He knows where I work, the whole nine yards. I will stick to my guns this time and I will no longer give him any room to have any confusion.
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Old 06-09-2009, 02:03 PM
 
Location: middle of everywhere
1,792 posts, read 3,484,183 times
Reputation: 1635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aylalou View Post
This guy is not being reasonable, and I agree - it's not the time for introductions to family. As you say, it won't mean anything to them at this time. That being said, I know you told him what's what from the git-go, but your actions belied your statements simply because you stayed with him. He believes your actions, as we all do, more than your words. It would have been better (not at THIS time, though, when he's going through a difficult time) to have severed ties with him.
I agree I did not do things the right way. I've never dealt with this before and I made mistakes. I take responsibility for that.
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Old 06-09-2009, 02:06 PM
 
28,906 posts, read 42,485,786 times
Reputation: 45548
Quote:
Originally Posted by Glitterific View Post
I understand where you are coming from.

When I stopped taking his calls, I was adamant about it. He tried calling from all kind of strange numbers, private numbers, etc. It was at the point I could not answer numbers that wasn't already programmed in my phone. I can wish this guy well and never look back or contact him for any reason. Trust me.

The hardest part will be getting away from him as he chases me. He knows where I work, the whole nine yards. I will stick to my guns this time and I will no longer give him any room to have any confusion.
There you go. For you are not responsible for his happiness.
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Old 06-09-2009, 03:04 PM
 
Location: CITY OF ANGELS AND CONSTANT DANGER
5,409 posts, read 10,597,791 times
Reputation: 2227
i think i agree with this the most.

if you can honestly feel OK about not going to the funeral then dont go. but something tells me you are not that indifferent...otherwise you would have not started a thread.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorytickler View Post
Funerals are for the living not the dead. If this guy means something to you, you need to go. If he doesn't then feel free to diss him in his time of need.

IMO, it is never wrong to support someone who has just lost a loved one by attending the funeral. It can be very wrong not to do so.

If you want to break up with him, do it after the funeral. Don't let him make threats.
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Old 06-09-2009, 05:21 PM
 
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
1,570 posts, read 4,917,166 times
Reputation: 1375
A display of grace would not hurt you. If you showed some kindness it would be nice, too.

No, you don't have to go to funeral. Given your attitude toward the whole thing, it might be best not to go. But try to remember, funerals are for the living, not the dead.

Yes, I think saying hello to the mother and expressing how sorry you are to hear of the loss her husband would be nice. Something simple like, "Mrs. ____, I'm so sorry to hear of the passing of your husband. Though I never had a chance to meet him, _(boyfriend)_ speaks so well of him - I'm truly sorry I didn't have a chance to know him."

Additionally, your boyfriend just lost his father .... a few kind words from you is not out of line.

Lastly, you stayed with the boyfriend because he threated to kill himself? All I can say is you have bigger fish to fry than strying to squirm out of speaking to a widow.

You might try telling the boyfriend that the 2 of you need to take a break so he can concern himself with his family. Expessing the idea that they need him right now.

Next time he threatens to kill himself - call the police and get a restraining order, if you can.
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Old 06-09-2009, 10:00 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,554 posts, read 5,603,552 times
Reputation: 8555
Quote:
Originally Posted by Glitterific View Post
I agree I did not do things the right way. I've never dealt with this before and I made mistakes. I take responsibility for that.
Heck, we all had to learn one way or another.

To any other person who might be afraid to hurt someone's feelings: The longer you give them to invest in you, the harder it is for them when you finally do come clean. So it's kinder to let them know early rather than later.
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