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Old 06-07-2009, 10:43 PM
 
Location: middle of everywhere
1,786 posts, read 3,438,808 times
Reputation: 1601

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This guy I'm seeing just lost his dad to cancer.
He wants me to call his mom and talk to her about the death and to go to the funeral. I may have a way out of the funeral since it is a 3 hour drive, but he insists I speak to her on the phone!

I don't see why I have to?
Am I just being a jerk?

The thing is, this is casual between him and I. He tells his whole family about me and has been trying to make us meet up for the longest.

In his mind we are together in a serious relationship, to me- not so much. I tried to get him out of my life months ago until he threatened suicide. So I gave him another shot while I figure out how to get rid of him.

I did meet his mom casually almost 2 years ago about 3 or 4 times.

Can't I just leave her a card with my condolences? I've never spoken to her over the phone. How many people want to talk to a stranger when their spouse has just died?
What do you all think?
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Old 06-07-2009, 10:48 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,022 posts, read 22,759,935 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by Glitterific View Post
This guy I'm seeing just lost his dad to cancer.
He wants me to call his mom and talk to her about the death and to go to the funeral. I may have a way out of the funeral since it is a 3 hour drive, but he insists I speak to her on the phone!

I don't see why I have to?
Am I just being a jerk?

The thing is, this is casual between him and I. He tells his whole family about me and has been trying to make us meet up for the longest.

In his mind we are together in a serious relationship, to me- not so much. I tried to get him out of my life months ago until he threatened suicide. So I gave him another shot while I figure out how to get rid of him.

I did meet his mom casually almost 2 years ago about 3 or 4 times.

Can't I just leave her a card with my condolences? I've never spoken to her over the phone. How many people want to talk to a stranger when their spouse has just died?
What do you all think?
You can sell yourself for a few hours for the respect of the departed

You can unplug any time, after the event.
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Old 06-07-2009, 10:52 PM
 
Location: NW. MO.
1,817 posts, read 5,404,210 times
Reputation: 1341
You don't feel serious about this guy and the fact that you gave him another chance because he threatened suicide means you need to find a way to get out. No matter what make sure you remain safe.

You aren't responsible for him and he can't control you through guilt. Talk to a professional if you feel it might give you a better idea for an easier way to get out but I think it might be a good idea.

Tell him you aren't comfortable calling his mother and that you feel he should be the one doing the calls as he is family and you barely know her.
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Old 06-07-2009, 10:52 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,265 posts, read 80,591,612 times
Reputation: 39460
Quote:
Originally Posted by Glitterific View Post
This guy I'm seeing just lost his dad to cancer.
He wants me to call his mom and talk to her about the death and to go to the funeral. I may have a way out of the funeral since it is a 3 hour drive, but he insists I speak to her on the phone!

I don't see why I have to?
Am I just being a jerk?

The thing is, this is casual between him and I. He tells his whole family about me and has been trying to make us meet up for the longest.

In his mind we are together in a serious relationship, to me- not so much. I tried to get him out of my life months ago until he threatened suicide. So I gave him another shot while I figure out how to get rid of him.

I did meet his mom casually almost 2 years ago about 3 or 4 times.

Can't I just leave her a card with my condolences? I've never spoken to her over the phone. How many people want to talk to a stranger when their spouse has just died?
What do you all think?
Hi Glitter I was just about to tell you to suck it up and "do the nice thing" - UNTIL I read the part of your post about his thinking you two are in a more serious relationship than you know you are in.

If you are already trying to figure out how to end the relationship, going to the funeral WILL NOT help the situation. He already thinks you are his girl - be careful not to dig the hole any deeper or you might never climb out of it.

Send a nice card to the mom, be a sympathetic ear during this time of sadness for him, but don't confuse him when you know you already want to be out of the relationship.
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Old 06-07-2009, 11:08 PM
 
Location: MN
314 posts, read 600,131 times
Reputation: 331
I agree with the others there is no reason to pretend to have feelings you don't-a card is fine and what you are comfortable with doing. Explain this if necessary but don't be guilted into doing something you don't feel.
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Old 06-07-2009, 11:53 PM
 
168 posts, read 451,265 times
Reputation: 229
I was in a similar situation once a long time ago where a guy I was dating (who is now my ex-husband) lost his father. I went to the wake and to the funeral, but that was it and it wasn't a three hour drive. My dad died when I was a teenager and I learned from that that some people will come out of the woodwork to mourn and grieve and talk about death ... people you haven't seen in years. At the time, it was nice. I mean you can definitely use all the comfort you can get, especially when someone dies young and very suddenly like my dad did. However, I think that when someone dies of cancer or another long-drawn out illness, the grief process is different because their death has not been unexpected. At any rate, I think he's out of line in his requests to you. If his mother really needs someone to talk to and for some reason doesn't have a lot of friends or family she can turn to at this time, she might consider seeking out a minister or counselor or even her son. Also, driving three hours one way for a funeral is excessive. I would only do it if I were engaged to the person. I would definitely send a card though.

I just want to add one thing. If he thinks your relationship is more serious than you do, his asking you to attend the funeral may be his way of introducing you to his family. That's kind of what happened in my case. We ended up getting married later on, but his dad's funeral was where I met his family for the first time.
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Old 06-08-2009, 01:58 AM
 
Location: In my skin
8,359 posts, read 12,805,270 times
Reputation: 8304
Don't go and don't let him pressure you to go. That suicide attempt was the ultimate act of selfishness on his end, you have already paid your dues.

My ex did this. We were together for 6 weeks and he was furious when I refused to go to the funeral. But I know it's a sensitive issue. I say call mom, give her your condolences, and apologize for not being able to make it to the funeral. Do the same with your BF.
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Old 06-08-2009, 02:11 AM
 
Location: middle of everywhere
1,786 posts, read 3,438,808 times
Reputation: 1601
Thanks everyone.

I know he wants me to come because his whole family is there. He even mentioned they all asked about me. I have NEVER met these people before. He is suspicious about his role in my life so it is a big deal to him to meet everyone.

Sometimes he acts like a teenager who has never had a girlfriend before! He has been in serious relationships before so it is a bit strange.

I already spent time with him after his dad's death, I met up with him to comfort him for a while. They knew it was coming, he died at home with the immediate family there for the final days.

I know he's going to be upset, but I feel like I do so much already emotionally towards him that I just don't have much left to give to everyone else in his family that I have no intention of meeting if I can help it.
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Old 06-08-2009, 04:01 AM
 
Location: Whoville....
25,219 posts, read 27,173,491 times
Reputation: 14289
Quote:
Originally Posted by Glitterific View Post
This guy I'm seeing just lost his dad to cancer.
He wants me to call his mom and talk to her about the death and to go to the funeral. I may have a way out of the funeral since it is a 3 hour drive, but he insists I speak to her on the phone!

I don't see why I have to?
Am I just being a jerk?

The thing is, this is casual between him and I. He tells his whole family about me and has been trying to make us meet up for the longest.

In his mind we are together in a serious relationship, to me- not so much. I tried to get him out of my life months ago until he threatened suicide. So I gave him another shot while I figure out how to get rid of him.

I did meet his mom casually almost 2 years ago about 3 or 4 times.

Can't I just leave her a card with my condolences? I've never spoken to her over the phone. How many people want to talk to a stranger when their spouse has just died?
What do you all think?
Funerals are for the living not the dead. If this guy means something to you, you need to go. If he doesn't then feel free to diss him in his time of need.

IMO, it is never wrong to support someone who has just lost a loved one by attending the funeral. It can be very wrong not to do so.

If you want to break up with him, do it after the funeral. Don't let him make threats.
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Old 06-08-2009, 05:23 AM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,500 posts, read 18,468,871 times
Reputation: 4152
Why would you continue dating someone just because they threatened to kill themselves? That is creepy.
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