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Old 06-09-2009, 07:19 PM
 
2,193 posts, read 3,112,585 times
Reputation: 1881

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Hi everyone, I haven't posted on here in a while. But I was wondering about the effect that the "good provider" role has on relationships w/ women or how accurate the parallel is between a father/daughter relationship & a wife/husband role....

Basically, not to put a lot of my business out there but my father is not a good provider in the least. He used to have his own business but it tanked when I was 13, I'm turning 21 in July & since then he has steadily been unemployed. My mother has had to switch jobs & thankfully has a pretty good job w/ a renowned publishing company. All that to say, as I am getting older & dating more--I am realizing that I have low tolerance for men who do not have a job or who cannot support me financially. I am not a golddigger by any means, I am an Education major who plans on becoming an elementary school (4th grade) teacher & have never yearned for the "finer" things in life. In other words, compared to some people I know--I am pretty low maintenance.

My father is a kind, charming spirit but has a lot of psychological issues (poor social, conversational skills) from his childhood, because of this he does not associate w/ his family & refuses to get help. After years of being separated, my parents are finally in the process of getting a divorce & it has been pretty difficult for us financially especially since I am going into my final year of college...anyway, I find myself deviating from the norm of what I am used to. My younger brother & I both have steady jobs & I support my family when I visit/whenever I'm home. However, my brother is very stingy w/ his $$ & doesn't like to contribute very much to our family (e.g. I bring him his lunch @ work w/ my own $$ because he doesn't like to leave his parking space).

Basically, I think I've grown up w/ pretty incompetent men in my life. I'm not making excuses for myself but how do I distance myself from relating to men like my father in the near future. Specifically men who do not value family & who are not good providers.

I apologize for this thread being long-winded but it's been on my heart for a long time, my father & I respect each other but we've never had a meaningful conversation ever.
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Old 06-09-2009, 07:56 PM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,412 posts, read 4,658,275 times
Reputation: 2945
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanteuse d' Opéra View Post
Basically, I think I've grown up w/ pretty incompetent men in my life. I'm not making excuses for myself but how do I distance myself from relating to men like my father in the near future. Specifically men who do not value family & who are not good providers.
Chanteuse, you sound wise beyond your years. You clearly don't want to end up with a guy who is (for lack of a better word) a bum. It is not at all unreasonable to seek out someone who will pull his own weight (end then some), who won't drag you down by his issues, and with whom you can build a responsible future. Steering clear of guys who don't value family and who are irresponsible is a good way to achieve your objective. One of the keys will be getting to know the guy over time...it's easy for anyone to put up a game face for a short time; you've gotta check 'em out of a long period of time to make sure they're for real.
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Old 06-09-2009, 08:00 PM
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
15,237 posts, read 25,490,057 times
Reputation: 12417
I don't think you're a golddigger, I think you just require a man who has his act together. You're majoring in education, so it is quite understandable that you want an educated man. As for your brother - stop enabling his behavior. He CAN leave his parking space and get his own lunch. It won't kill him. You are NOT his servant. You sound like a girl with a good head on her shoulders. Keep up the good work.
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Old 06-09-2009, 10:43 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,095 posts, read 56,964,608 times
Reputation: 38293
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chanteuse d' Opéra View Post
Hi everyone, I haven't posted on here in a while. But I was wondering about the effect that the "good provider" role has on relationships w/ women or how accurate the parallel is between a father/daughter relationship & a wife/husband role....

Basically, not to put a lot of my business out there but my father is not a good provider in the least. He used to have his own business but it tanked when I was 13, I'm turning 21 in July & since then he has steadily been unemployed. My mother has had to switch jobs & thankfully has a pretty good job w/ a renowned publishing company. All that to say, as I am getting older & dating more--I am realizing that I have low tolerance for men who do not have a job or who cannot support me financially. I am not a golddigger by any means, I am an Education major who plans on becoming an elementary school (4th grade) teacher & have never yearned for the "finer" things in life. In other words, compared to some people I know--I am pretty low maintenance.

My father is a kind, charming spirit but has a lot of psychological issues (poor social, conversational skills) from his childhood, because of this he does not associate w/ his family & refuses to get help. After years of being separated, my parents are finally in the process of getting a divorce & it has been pretty difficult for us financially especially since I am going into my final year of college...anyway, I find myself deviating from the norm of what I am used to. My younger brother & I both have steady jobs & I support my family when I visit/whenever I'm home. However, my brother is very stingy w/ his $$ & doesn't like to contribute very much to our family (e.g. I bring him his lunch @ work w/ my own $$ because he doesn't like to leave his parking space).

Basically, I think I've grown up w/ pretty incompetent men in my life. I'm not making excuses for myself but how do I distance myself from relating to men like my father in the near future. Specifically men who do not value family & who are not good providers.

I apologize for this thread being long-winded but it's been on my heart for a long time, my father & I respect each other but we've never had a meaningful conversation ever.

Given the behavior your Dad has modeled for you, I'd say you are lucky and very smart to realize what you DON'T want in your life (a man/partner who is a poor provider with some psychological issues).

Believe it or not, many young women in your position would subconsciously chose a man with these problems just because they would seem "familiar" and therefore more comfortable. Kudos to you for being stronger and healthier than that! Stick to your standards, you are NOT being too demanding.
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Old 06-09-2009, 10:55 PM
 
Location: Lost in Montana *recalculating*...
4,874 posts, read 7,630,668 times
Reputation: 3731
I'm a product of a similar environment..My Dad was a bum. He had a sucessful company and decided the bottle was a better way to spend his life. Mom had to work lot's of OT in a secretarial pool and struggle to make ends meet, and I swore I would never turn out like my Dad.

Fast forward- My wife and I have been married 19 years, we have two kids, 10 and 8, and she stays home to watch the kids, provide the household and finish her masters degree. I work my a*s off to make sure I provide for them, have money in their college funds, etc..

We live by simple means, but I provide. It's MY obligation.

You are 100% on the right track, no faults to you. Keep pushing on and keep your standards right where they are. Nothing wrong with that.
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Old 06-10-2009, 12:14 AM
 
Location: MN
314 posts, read 474,493 times
Reputation: 331
Sometimes the best thing we can learn from our parents is what we DON'T WANT TO BE. I think this is what you have gotten from you father and now brother. BTW do you want your brother to be a clone of your father? If not let him get his own lunch... Good luck on what you are making of yourself-being with an equal is really very nice
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Old 06-10-2009, 12:17 AM
 
Location: In my skin
8,067 posts, read 9,220,838 times
Reputation: 7951
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
Given the behavior your Dad has modeled for you, I'd say you are lucky and very smart to realize what you DON'T want in your life (a man/partner who is a poor provider with some psychological issues).

Believe it or not, many young women in your position would subconsciously chose a man with these problems just because they would seem "familiar" and therefore more comfortable. Kudos to you for being stronger and healthier than that! Stick to your standards, you are NOT being too demanding.
My thoughts exactly.
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Old 06-10-2009, 04:25 AM
 
Location: I never said I was perfect so no refunds here sorry!
6,373 posts, read 3,849,752 times
Reputation: 29305
Look at where we are at today as a society, you get no guarantee
Best of Luck!
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