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Old 06-10-2009, 12:55 PM
 
Location: .
133 posts, read 218,835 times
Reputation: 68
Default Need to say Sorry

In abusive relationship, how important it is to say sorry if someone hurts or overreacts to others, I have this issue with my wife, she never feels sorry or at least communicates that she is sorry, if she acted erratic, or busted in anger, she feels saying sorry is just a formality and people dont mean it, on the flip side if my daughter tries to go and tell sorry to her when she is mad , she says whats the use saying sorry, you would again go and do the same mistake and again say sorry.

But I have complains on my wife, I read in reconciliation of any sort, parties who want to compromise are forthcoming and say they are sorry for what they did and they need help, to control their anger or therapy, but my wife does not say anything of that sort, she ignores what she did even though she knows it has hurted others, and does not seek help , except that she is reading anger management book.

Has anyone faced similar situation and what is your analysis vis a vis people who burst in anger, hurt feelings but are prompt to say sorry, but still continue doing the same, and the other set of people who hurt or do wrong but do not say sorry
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Old 06-10-2009, 01:19 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,023 posts, read 13,791,058 times
Reputation: 11309
Quote:
Originally Posted by Raj_USA View Post
In abusive relationship, how important it is to say sorry if someone hurts or overreacts to others, I have this issue with my wife, she never feels sorry or at least communicates that she is sorry, if she acted erratic, or busted in anger, she feels saying sorry is just a formality and people dont mean it, on the flip side if my daughter tries to go and tell sorry to her when she is mad , she says whats the use saying sorry, you would again go and do the same mistake and again say sorry.

But I have complains on my wife, I read in reconciliation of any sort, parties who want to compromise are forthcoming and say they are sorry for what they did and they need help, to control their anger or therapy, but my wife does not say anything of that sort, she ignores what she did even though she knows it has hurted others, and does not seek help , except that she is reading anger management book.

Has anyone faced similar situation and what is your analysis vis a vis people who burst in anger, hurt feelings but are prompt to say sorry, but still continue doing the same, and the other set of people who hurt or do wrong but do not say sorry
How abusive? Is she physically hurting you?
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Old 06-10-2009, 02:13 PM
 
Location: .
133 posts, read 218,835 times
Reputation: 68
its not that she never says sorry, she just is not forthcoming.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Colossus_Antonis View Post
How abusive? Is she physically hurting you?
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Old 06-10-2009, 02:30 PM
 
7,483 posts, read 5,946,604 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Raj_USA View Post
its not that she never says sorry, she just is not forthcoming.
I have been married to an abusive wife for almost 12 years.

She is a minipulating, passive aggressive person who will shift the blame whenever she is pinned into believing she needs to apologize. Yeah. Sucks.

However, I have met people who say sorry for nothing. As if to have very low self esteem. That's not good either.

Your wife sounds like she is setting a bad example for her daughter. I heard that from my wife too. She would get an apology from her kid and she would bring up the whole situation and explain that what they did was wrong and this and that. I feel like telling her to just shut up. Seriously. The kid is apologizing....give them a hug and tell them you love them for God's sakes.

You need to get her help. I have been trying to get my wife on medication for years. To no avail.

Let me know how it turns out.
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Old 06-10-2009, 02:44 PM
 
Location: .
133 posts, read 218,835 times
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You touched my heart by your post, forget medication, my wife does not want to go see counselor or marriage counselor or any doctor to evaluate her attitude or depression, what you said exactly same I or my mother would expect that if my daughter or I says sorry , the other person should just say its ok and give hug or at least let it look decent.

My wife is a person who does not like Sorry, she does not like to tell sorry nor hear sorry... when I had fights with her and like you said go and apologize to her she would not hug or show any emotions, just say ok....

I am tired of fighting with attitude of my wife from 8 years now, its too tough to change her , its not possible......

my wife too is manipulative, aggresive like yours, if you point at her she would put the blame for her behavior on some one else, my daughter has suffered a lot at her hands

So what are you contemplating since you said your wife is not listening and nothing is working in terms of medication? would you just let it go on as it is , I am trying to get some inspiration.



Quote:
Originally Posted by funymann View Post
I have been married to an abusive wife for almost 12 years.

She is a minipulating, passive aggressive person who will shift the blame whenever she is pinned into believing she needs to apologize. Yeah. Sucks.

However, I have met people who say sorry for nothing. As if to have very low self esteem. That's not good either.

Your wife sounds like she is setting a bad example for her daughter. I heard that from my wife too. She would get an apology from her kid and she would bring up the whole situation and explain that what they did was wrong and this and that. I feel like telling her to just shut up. Seriously. The kid is apologizing....give them a hug and tell them you love them for God's sakes.

You need to get her help. I have been trying to get my wife on medication for years. To no avail.

Let me know how it turns out.
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Old 06-10-2009, 02:45 PM
 
Location: Wherever women are
19,023 posts, read 13,791,058 times
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Talk of abuse, when I was growing up, the neighour's wife was so aggressive the husband used to hide in the bathroom when she enters her trance.

She hurls broom sticks, vessels, glass jars, apart from hand slapping and other quarreling techniques.

You guys, consider yourselves lucky
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Old 06-10-2009, 02:50 PM
 
Location: .
133 posts, read 218,835 times
Reputation: 68
I know no one is perfect, but emotional abuse is equally harsh like physical abuse, what you have given e.g of is physical abuse, research has proved, emotional abuse, stubborn behavior, high headed ness can cause equal damage to people at home, what I tried to tell is my wife's behavior being not approproiate to occassions, like stop talking for days, make other person feel guilty , sad, etc, and if someone says sorry, she would give cold shoulder, would not easily apologize, emotional differences are determinental to health, and other aspects of life too.....

Why should we be lucky?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Colossus_Antonis View Post
Talk of abuse, when I was growing up, the neighour's wife was so aggressive the husband used to hide in the bathroom when she enters her trance.

She hurls broom sticks, vessels, glass jars, apart from hand slapping and other quarreling techniques.

You guys, consider yourselves lucky
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Old 06-11-2009, 09:32 AM
 
Location: In my skin
8,038 posts, read 8,924,632 times
Reputation: 7880
No doubt she is abusive. She probably sees apologies as a sign of weakness. And it looks like she is projecting her own inability to change onto your child when she says sorry means nothing, she'll just do it again.

I taught my son, very early on, that "sorry" means you won't do it again. Don't say it just to excuse your behavior and don't say it if you don't mean it. In your wife's case, will saying sorry really mean anything when she's not willing to change? An insincere apology is more offensive than the offense itself. I wouldn't bother asking for one. Looks like you need to start making some decisions, not just for you, but for your child.
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Old 06-11-2009, 10:08 AM
 
Location: .
133 posts, read 218,835 times
Reputation: 68
yeah you are right, and that is the reason she probably does not say sorry as she knows she cannot change, again its hard to tell , some people say sorry as a habit and cannot change too, so what is the difference? But like someone said I do agree on that, if a child comes and apologises that itself should be taken positive and not make the child feel guilty on saying sorry too..... hugging, and all is not my wife's ball game w.r.t my daughter or son in general....

Quote:
Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate View Post
No doubt she is abusive. She probably sees apologies as a sign of weakness. And it looks like she is projecting her own inability to change onto your child when she says sorry means nothing, she'll just do it again.

I taught my son, very early on, that "sorry" means you won't do it again. Don't say it just to excuse your behavior and don't say it if you don't mean it. In your wife's case, will saying sorry really mean anything when she's not willing to change? An insincere apology is more offensive than the offense itself. I wouldn't bother asking for one. Looks like you need to start making some decisions, not just for you, but for your child.
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Old 06-11-2009, 10:34 PM
 
Location: NYC
37 posts, read 59,029 times
Reputation: 38
Im really sorry you have to deal with that. My father is exactly like your wife, he has hurt me my sibling and my mother many times. He never says sorry and sometimes i feel like i know he i sorry just by the way he acts but i feel like as human beings we need to at least hear the word "Sorry". My father will never get help so we all just learned to deal with it. It really sucks bad but it has taught me n my sibling the value of the word "SORRY". I know its not the answer to your problem but at least i hope u feel a bit better, and i really hope she gets some help on dealing with emotions for ur sake and ur kid.
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