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Old 06-18-2009, 04:55 PM
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
15,237 posts, read 25,529,438 times
Reputation: 12417

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Exactly. He is what he is and you are what you are. You can't change him and he can't change you. No need for a bitter divorce or anything, it just didn't work out. The two of you are moving in opposite directions. Wish him well, and live your lives.
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Old 06-18-2009, 05:37 PM
 
Location: Delaware...Oi
1,293 posts, read 2,229,133 times
Reputation: 529
Quote:
Originally Posted by jhlcomp View Post
I also know, being in the IT field, that programmers are a breed apart from the rest of humankind. He is not going to change. Don't be so hard on yourself. Take care and take care of your future.
Uhm, what? I'm a programmer. I'm a friggin' fruitcake most of the time, so that might be the ones you know, but I'm far from boring, commenting on art galleries and sipping wine. You won't find me on Frasier re-runs.
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Old 06-18-2009, 06:37 PM
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
15,237 posts, read 25,529,438 times
Reputation: 12417
Quote:
Originally Posted by Waynec613 View Post
Uhm, what? I'm a programmer. I'm a friggin' fruitcake most of the time, so that might be the ones you know, but I'm far from boring, commenting on art galleries and sipping wine. You won't find me on Frasier re-runs.
That's cuz .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..............................



You DA MAN, Wayne!!!!!
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Old 06-18-2009, 06:42 PM
 
Location: USA
4,983 posts, read 5,328,296 times
Reputation: 2506
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueNConfused View Post
I apologize for how long this is, but I could really use some outside perspective. I know the responses will be harsh - I feel like a bad person and bad wife even as I write it.

I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 33. We dated intensely for the summer and then I went away to school and didn't stay in touch. We got back together when I was 20 and I moved in with him that year. We've now been together 10 years and married for 4 (we had a 2 year engagement.) Two years ago we moved to a new state for his work. I left my friends, the job I loved, the town I grew up in, etc so that he could have a job that he found fulfilling. I turned 30 a few months ago and since then I feel like I'm viewing my marriage with new eyes. Part of what changed is that I spent a month traveling to see friends and my family. I had forgotten what it felt like to be with my peers and have FUN. I realized how lonely and BORED I have been. I also met someone I really clicked with and was very attracted to. NOTHING happened with him and nothing will happen. I am not even considering leaving my husband for this man or having an affair. But it made me realize that I never felt butterflies for my husband and that I was never very attracted to him.

I have suddenly realized that I married my husband for the wrong reasons. I had a pretty dysfunctional childhood. My parents divorced when I was 8 and it was messy. My father is a very introverted engineer and while he continued to be in my life, he was emotionally very distant. My mom was emotionally manipulative and abusive. I moved out when I was 16 and just floated around friends houses. My husband has many of the traits of my father (without being emotionally distant) and I think I was looking for that father figure. Also, frankly, I needed to feel secure and that I finally had someone to take care of me and my husband loves be the hero/caretaker/white knight. Unfortunately, that reinforced my bad traits. I never had to push outside my comfort zone or be responsible for myself. I suddenly find myself at 30 without ever having finished school, lived on my own, or had the fun or growth that you are supposed to in your 20s. I allowed myself to step in to the lifestyle of someone 15 years older than me. That doesn't feel OK anymore. I know I can't be 20 again, but I do want to live and act like the 30 year old I am, not live the life of a 45 year old.

I know that this will sound very harsh, but I don't think I even loved my husband as much as he loved me. Looking back now, I can't remember even being truly attracted to him. He made me feel incredibly beautiful and powerful with how attracted to me he was and that was enough. I am not attracted to him at all now, though we still have an OK sex life.

My husband is a GOOD man. He is sweet, romantic, supportive, and intelligent. He is also BORING. He is an introverted, intellectual, programmer. His idea of excitement is genealogy, programming at his computer or playing a computer game. We do travel, but it just feels like a new place with the same boring person. He acts older than his age. Frankly, it has suddenly hit me that this is only going to get worse as he ages. I didn't mind the age difference at 25, but now I suddenly see my future life of him getting more boring and becoming a grumpy old man. I'll be lonely, then get to act as his nurse before dies at 80, leaving my a 65 year old widow without many friends, no children (because he doesn't want them), etc. Frankly, I'm waking up nights in a cold sweat.

I don't want to blame my husband and our marriage for me feeling unfulfilled. In understand that I need to go back to school, make more friends, get another job I love, etc. I know that we have a better marriage than most people. We have similar values, are comfortable together, treat each other well, etc. He is my best friend. But I also resent how much much older he makes me feel and how we live our lives according to where he is at his stage of life. I want to go camping as a couple with our friends, go to concerts, maybe have kids. I don't want to wake up at 40 and realized that I could have started again at 30 and had a fulfilling life with someone my own age and I missed the chance.

How do I fix this? Is being bored and dissatisfied just a phase in our marriage or because I left my friends and job during the move? I don't want to give up on a content marriage, but it feels like there are some pretty big, basic issues.
I am going to write from my own experiences and feelings here.
I don't think there is any perfection. But I believe if you have your best friend in him, as you said you did, that is something to be treasured. There are not many men out here who really, truly, want a woman for who she is. They want a sex buddy.
I don't want to tell you what to do...but I am single, I work far from my home, but it's a job, just to stay employed.
I don't have someone to spend with on the weekends, well, I have to work then too...but I would treasure a man who treasured me.
I have my hobbies, I have my interests, and I am trying to make them fill in all the gaps in my life.
I left a bad marriage, it wasn't even a marriage. I was like a single mom with kids in it.
But I will never know what it is like to be loved by a man, or to have loved one.
I guess to me, it sounds like you have a good thing, but I am not in your shoes!
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Old 06-18-2009, 07:06 PM
 
496 posts, read 533,790 times
Reputation: 417
Hmmm. No one can tell you if you should stay or go. I will say, however, that it is *your* job to make your life satisfying, fun, interesting, exciting, whatever-you-want-it-to-be. Does your husband have a problem with you finishing school? Hanging out with friends? Getting a fulfilling job? If he didn't want you to become who you want to become, then I think I might break the vow. But in the meantime, I hear you blaming him for not bringing to *your* life a kind of meaning that only you can bring.

I do understand what you mean, I think. I just think whenever you blame your life, or lack thereof, on someone else, you're really just avoiding taking responsibility for your self. That's just my read based on the number of times in your post you gave him responsibility for who you are.
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Old 06-18-2009, 07:44 PM
 
Location: Earth. For now.
1,118 posts, read 1,069,068 times
Reputation: 897
I'll be direct.

Dump him. He'll get over it.

Explore the world your heart desires. Do the things you want to do.

And, for god's sake, be the person you are inside!!!

Because you will never meet the true soul mate you deserve until you become the person you really are.
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Old 06-18-2009, 08:38 PM
 
7,730 posts, read 9,597,335 times
Reputation: 7139
Marriage is not easy, it takes work. I have been married for fifteen years, and they haven't all been good. It's funny I was going to post something similar. Right now we are on huge downturn and have been for a long time. I don't think you just quit a marriage and walk away like a lot of people are saying.

If you do love him and he is your best friend, talk to him more and go to counseling first. Hopefully you can find through the counciler the right course of action. Don't just jump out, take your time...
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Old 06-18-2009, 08:49 PM
 
Location: Tucson
42,843 posts, read 54,899,282 times
Reputation: 22812
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinkle Toes View Post
Exactly. He is what he is and you are what you are. You can't change him and he can't change you. No need for a bitter divorce or anything, it just didn't work out. The two of you are moving in opposite directions. Wish him well, and live your lives.
I don't know, Twinkle... She's been out of the dating scene evidently, but you've spent enough time on this forum at least. Frankly, I'd be very puzzled if single life and the options out there look that glamorous to you... Let's slow down and not project our own feelings on somebody else!
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Old 06-18-2009, 08:52 PM
 
Location: Delaware...Oi
1,293 posts, read 2,229,133 times
Reputation: 529
Quote:
Originally Posted by veuvegirl View Post
Marriage is not easy, it takes work. I have been married for fifteen years, and they haven't all been good. It's funny I was going to post something similar. Right now we are on huge downturn and have been for a long time. I don't think you just quit a marriage and walk away like a lot of people are saying.

If you do love him and he is your best friend, talk to him more and go to counseling first. Hopefully you can find through the counciler the right course of action. Don't just jump out, take your time...

WHAT?! Don't just bail out instantly when in a committed relationship? That's such craaaaaaaazy talk. Off with her head I say!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinkle Toes View Post
That's cuz .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..............................



You DA MAN, Wayne!!!!!
No-no, YOU da MA...wait...WO-MAN
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Old 06-19-2009, 08:09 AM
 
7,730 posts, read 9,597,335 times
Reputation: 7139
LOL Wayne, no you don't just bail out, especially if kids are involved (not sure about the OP) Long term relationships take work, there are many ups and downs. When you are down, you don't just bail, or you will never stay in a relationship. Talk to people who have been married for decades.
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