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I think you can control your desire. Most human sexuality is in the mind.
When I say needs, I don't just mean physical. A partner who is very inhibited and unwilling to open up obviously does not feel close or connected to you. You have failed them emotionally.
Probably the long term relationships are where much creativity isn't expected and required. It seems it would be hard to keep coming up with new and creative approaches in a relationship that lasts many many years.
Maybe in the past, relationships and marriage lasted much longer than many do today because they weren't about finding the most creative sex partner. Maybe they need to change the marriage vows - get rid of that "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health" and get rid of all the committment stuff and say "as long as the sex continues to be hot and creative".
Probably the long term relationships are where much creativity isn't expected and required. It seems it would be hard to keep coming up with new and creative approaches in a relationship that lasts many many years.
Maybe in the past, relationships and marriage lasted much longer than many do today because they weren't about finding the most creative sex partner. Maybe they need to change the marriage vows - get rid of that "for better and for worse, in sickness and in health" and get rid of all the committment stuff and say "as long as the sex continues to be hot and creative".
Yeah, you soooo nailed that one. We're talking the same as anything else in a relationship, the ability to communicate needs and desires in a relationship and the partner at least being understanding of them.
Not because 4 years into a marriage she won't do it wheelbarrow style.
I had a relationship end because of difference in libido, but not the way you think. I had a much higher drive than he did. He was very much the missionary-once-a-week-with-the-lights-off type, and I was the twice-a-day-let's-try-something-new type. The other parts of the relationship worked well, though, and I wasn't interested in leaving him. I just tried to guide him when he was in the mood and take care of myself when he wasn't.
The relationship ended when HE cheated. I guess the fact that he was clueless about how to please me threatened his manhood, and he went out and found some young girl who would just lie there and take it.
What about the other side of the coin? What if they want to do something very extreme? I would have a problem with something harmful like cutting or ridiculous like furry suits. When it veers into fetish territory, I think it becomes entirely selfish of the other person and prevents real intimacy.
That can also be a problem, but the same solution applies. Talk it out and make a decision.
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I think that some so called "kinky" stuff is often a mask for people who don't really know how to be sensual. It's just a crutch basically, and is usually cliche and shows a lack of real imagination or interest in your partner's satisfaction.
Some people think doggie style is kinky. It can be said those people lack imagination and interest in their partner's satisfaction as well.
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I disagree that people cheat because they are unsatisfied sexually. They cheat because they are selfish, have no desire or backbone to solve the issues in their relationship (they take the easy way out), have a lack of morals, and/or have no self-control.
It ain't pretty and not acceptable but it is a reason. Not communicating this to your partner, whatever the reason, is a step towards cheating. I think if more people faced the issue, a lot of heartache could be prevented.
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Of course, no one wants to say that the imbalance in sexual desire in a relationship is ever their problem. It's always the other person who needs to change.
There are people who actually do need to change, like the spouse who takes the other for granted or witholds sex as some form of control tactic. They do actually exist.
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Originally Posted by orangeapple
I think you can control your desire. Most human sexuality is in the mind.
I don't know that anyone with a healthy sexual appetite would want to hold back on a regular basis. Been there, and he was the one with the problem. He tried to make me feel ashamed of how much I wanted him, called me a sex addict when he was the one who was inadequate.
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When I say needs, I don't just mean physical. A partner who is very inhibited and unwilling to open up obviously does not feel close or connected to you. You have failed them emotionally.
There are people who had hang ups of their own that existed long before. Some people are unable to connect for various reasons, it is not necessarily the fault of their partner.
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Originally Posted by malamute
Probably the long term relationships are where much creativity isn't expected and required. It seems it would be hard to keep coming up with new and creative approaches in a relationship that lasts many many years.
It is impossible to come up with new and creative approaches over, say, 25 years. But the interest in sex, at least, should be there. I think people typically know what they enjoy together and can swich it up as they go. But the chemistry should be there, at the very least, and a desire to please your partner. Si?
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Originally Posted by seiketsu
I had a relationship end because of difference in libido, but not the way you think. I had a much higher drive than he did. He was very much the missionary-once-a-week-with-the-lights-off type, and I was the twice-a-day-let's-try-something-new type. The other parts of the relationship worked well, though, and I wasn't interested in leaving him. I just tried to guide him when he was in the mood and take care of myself when he wasn't.
The relationship ended when HE cheated. I guess the fact that he was clueless about how to please me threatened his manhood, and he went out and found some young girl who would just lie there and take it.
I had a relationship end because of difference in libido, but not the way you think. I had a much higher drive than he did. He was very much the missionary-once-a-week-with-the-lights-off type, and I was the twice-a-day-let's-try-something-new type. The other parts of the relationship worked well, though, and I wasn't interested in leaving him. I just tried to guide him when he was in the mood and take care of myself when he wasn't.
The relationship ended when HE cheated. I guess the fact that he was clueless about how to please me threatened his manhood, and he went out and found some young girl who would just lie there and take it.
I put a lot of energy into developing other aspects of our relationship. Even when I guided him, it was non-confrontational, non-accusatory, the kind of stuff the experts recommend -- "I really like it when you do this" rather than "hey dumbass, do you need a map?" He agreed that I offered great companionship and support, and that he really valued our friendship.
But he said that he couldn't "suppress [my] sexuality." Given all of the other comments he said about being traditional and how women have a certain role, and being wild in bed is improper (he had a serious madonna/***** complex), and that the girl he chose to cheat with allowed him to live out his fantasy of controlling a submissive Asian woman....yeah, I'd say that's exactly why he cheated. I sure chose a winner. Definitely learned some things that will help me screen out future weirdos.
I think some level of sexual compatibility is important but one should be wary of putting too much importance on it. I think desire/sex drive etc. can change as people age and you can never know how your partner is going to change. What happens if the man gets ED or the woman gets some problem where she can't have sex?
What are you going to do then? Divorce them?? If you have a much deeper connection it's way more likely that you will be able to work through these situations.
My ex lost interest in sex after saying "I do." I spent many years trying to change that to no avail, so eventually divorced her. My current relationship is far better in every way, and even after 16 years, we have sex - on average - 6 to 10x a week. It's never boring, and changes constantly. We make an effort to keep it interesting and exciting, and it has paid off - we are totally into each other and appreciate each other deeply. We were both careful to make sure we were on the same page sexually, before marrying, as it is very important to us both. We've also been through a lot of problems - from job loss/financial problems to severe or extended illnesses. It has made no difference in our passion for each other.
I think some level of sexual compatibility is important but one should be wary of putting too much importance on it. I think desire/sex drive etc. can change as people age and you can never know how your partner is going to change. What happens if the man gets ED or the woman gets some problem where she can't have sex?
What are you going to do then? Divorce them?? If you have a much deeper connection it's way more likely that you will be able to work through these situations.
I disagree. It depends on the people in question. If sex is not extremely important to them-either due to their own libido, drive, etc, then it isn't going to be weighed the same as other components that are seen as more important to both people. There are plenty of people in marriages or relationships where the sex is either bad, unfulfilling, or not done frequently and because of other components that are weighed as more important--that are met in the relationship/marriage--both people are content enough to where they are able to sustain it. However, there are plenty of people that weigh sex on a much higher scale, equal to how they weigh other important components and for those people incompatible sex is a deal breaker. Usually it isn't because of a shallow unfair mindset about sex, it's because these people have higher libidos, and most likely have always had high libidos, are creative sexually and need another person that is just as creative, and on some level they know that they would not be happy with a person that didn't have the same beliefs as they do regarding sex. In fact many of these people have probably tried to overlook sexual incompatiblity in other relationships because of what you preached(other things hold the relationship together and sex is not the end all) only to discover in the long run that they just did not feel fulfilled in these relationships.
The truth is that most things fade in time-this isn't limited to sex, or looks. People change, they evolve. What's important to them at one point may differ down the road. Components that bring two people together can later become components that break them apart. People can either grow together or they grow apart. But usually the couples that are able to grow together, continue to have similar beliefs about specific things that are very important within their relationship/marriage. This is why most people aim to find someone that is compatible in all the areas that they find are important presently in hopes that these commonalities will present a more fulfilling relationship/marriage through sickness, health, the bad and the good. The more you are equally yoked with another the stronger and healthier the union will be(or at least that's the idea).
For some, Sex is one of those important areas, for others it is not. But the silly, "get over xyz, because 40 years down the road it won't matter" sort of falls short. So what happens during the 40 years while xyz still matters because it hasn't faded yet? What happens if one doesn't get ed, or a sickness that makes it diffucult to have sex? And what if it matters a lot more for one person in the relationship than it does for the other? That's where you start to see the struggle and the posts on city data where a person contemplates affairs, or leaving because they tried to overlook "it" because everything else is great, but they just can't....it's also why so many stress that you really need to be with someone like-minded and compatible... In other words its far more beneficial for both people if they choose people that have similar beliefs about sex as they do. If they have similar beliefs, the way they approach the topic, handle it, communicate about it, and so on will come from a similar place. This becomes more complicated and difficult when two people have different ideas about it. Life happens-but the way we handle "life" with a partner can be less diffucult when we understand each other and are on the same page. Which imo, is easier, when you have similar beliefs.
I realize this may not be popular to you, since you've created threads about your partner's issue with you when it comes to sex... Despite the sexual incompatibility between you and her--that's she verbalized to you- that's left you feeling insecure and hurt, you believe that the other things holding your relationship together hold more weight and matter more... And perhaps they do in your case...
But for me, and others like me, sexual incompatibility is a deal breaker and I would not marry a man and *chance it* because I know that sex is important to me.
Last edited by Faith2187; 02-29-2016 at 09:15 PM..
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