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It's not unusual for a husband with a cold wife to get really lost in porn addiction. It's no excuse, but one of many reasons.
Frankly, the both of you have serious issues to overcome. You may not be able to help him, but get some for yourself- for the sake of the kids.
Oh yeah, get those kids out of there. If he drinks too much and is overly addicted to porn, he is an unfit father. Your issues (and I'm sure we're not getting the full story as we never do) also need serious attention and you need to be evaluated for fitness as well.
Man, what's the problem? A guy needs his fix. She has stated that she doesn't want it anymore. I know the ole 'make her feel beautiful' routine. That might work. Or just let her go on her not wanting sex ways and let him revert to porn for his needed release. Yes, the issue is far more deeper than that, but to say end a marriage WITH children just because one looks at porn is rediculous. IF he is serious about the just looking. Heck, he's probably unhappy as well. Hence the drinking. If I had to hope for the once a week sex bit which might or might not happen, I'd have a beer in one hand, something else in the other, and lesbian action on my monitor. Maybe the wife could learn to watch it with him? But again...my only point is if he is just looking at porn is not a good reason to get a divorce. Especially if you have kids.
Addiction to anything is a problem and this guy has a serious addiction. You need to go back and reread, he's checked out on his family.
I hate to see this kind of marriage problem, because it sounds so much like my first marriage -- not the porn habit, but the "My sex drive has decreased because I'm always so tired from working and the kids. His sex drive has seemed to go up.(we do it about once a week but I can't find any enjoyment in it anymore)."
For most people, GOOD sex is very important in a marriage. I'm wondering WHY you no longer enjoy it. I can be dog tired and not really feel like sex, but once it gets underway it's great. It's what most/many married couples use for revitalization of self. I suspect this is true more of men than women, but it's in no way limited to the husbands.
As Waynec noted, YOU need to find out why you're no longer wanting sex. After childbirth, it could well be a hormonal issue. I'd advise you to talk to your gyn about it, maybe have some tests done and see if your libido can be improved. I'd guess that not one in a hundred marriages between young couples will be "successful" without a good sex life. Also mention your tiredness to the doc. Your body may need vitamins, iron or other nutrients it's not getting. A decrease in libido is often a signal that something is not right with your physical well-being.
If you're actually exhausted because of too much work, see if hubby can't help more, get a housekeeper to come in once or twice a week, cut back on your working hours, or enlist the aid of parents or a babysitter. You've got to get a handle on your health.
Am I totally ignoring your husband's porn habit? No, but from what you've said about yourself, I'm thinking it might go away with a little more love and affection from you. As an old guy who's done a lot of living and experienced marriages with and without ample sex, I'm guessing that the porn habit would pretty much disappear with a healthy dose of lovin from you -- maybe not entirely, but I'll guarantee you that it'll greatly diminish.
As for Craig's List, I've viewed the same section I think, and I'm in a happy, satisfied relationship and have not considered cheating on my wife. It's just interesting reading now and then. The same could be said for the other site you mentioned. It's pretty easy to set up a profile. That doesn't necessarily mean you plan to engage in sexual affairs.
I'm not sure why you want him to have personal therapy. For the porn? I wouldn't either, not if I felt the base of the problem was because my wife was a cold fish.
You need to get your own problems fixed first, and then see if his still needs fixing. Either way, it needs to be attended to by both of you to have any chance. Good luck!
I hate to see this kind of marriage problem, because it sounds so much like my first marriage -- not the porn habit, but the "My sex drive has decreased because I'm always so tired from working and the kids. His sex drive has seemed to go up.(we do it about once a week but I can't find any enjoyment in it anymore)."
For most people, GOOD sex is very important in a marriage. I'm wondering WHY you no longer enjoy it. I can be dog tired and not really feel like sex, but once it gets underway it's great. It's what most/many married couples use for revitalization of self. I suspect this is true more of men than women, but it's in no way limited to the husbands.
As Waynec noted, YOU need to find out why you're no longer wanting sex. After childbirth, it could well be a hormonal issue. I'd advise you to talk to your gyn about it, maybe have some tests done and see if your libido can be improved. I'd guess that not one in a hundred marriages between young couples will be "successful" without a good sex life. Also mention your tiredness to the doc. Your body may need vitamins, iron or other nutrients it's not getting. A decrease in libido is often a signal that something is not right with your physical well-being.
If you're actually exhausted because of too much work, see if hubby can't help more, get a housekeeper to come in once or twice a week, cut back on your working hours, or enlist the aid of parents or a babysitter. You've got to get a handle on your health.
Am I totally ignoring your husband's porn habit? No, but from what you've said about yourself, I'm thinking it might go away with a little more love and affection from you. As an old guy who's done a lot of living and experienced marriages with and without ample sex, I'm guessing that the porn habit would pretty much disappear with a healthy dose of lovin from you -- maybe not entirely, but I'll guarantee you that it'll greatly diminish.
As for Craig's List, I've viewed the same section I think, and I'm in a happy, satisfied relationship and have not considered cheating on my wife. It's just interesting reading now and then. The same could be said for the other site you mentioned. It's pretty easy to set up a profile. That doesn't necessarily mean you plan to engage in sexual affairs.
I'm not sure why you want him to have personal therapy. For the porn? I wouldn't either, not if I felt the base of the problem was because my wife was a cold fish.
You need to get your own problems fixed first, and then see if his still needs fixing. Either way, it needs to be attended to by both of you to have any chance. Good luck!
Dude, are you seriously telling this poor woman to put out more to save her marriage? Did you read her other posts? The guy has drug/alcohol problems, and is looking around for a casual encounter (if he hasn't had them already). The porn and their sex life is the least of her problems at this point! This guys is unstable and she needs to get herself and her kids outta there.
I hate to play devil's advocate...but honestly I don't think I could deal with a sexless relationship like that. Cheating is never ok, but do you really expect him to just deal with it for the rest of your marriage? If you're not feeling it, then you need to figure out what's going on, and fix it. The burden is not on him. Viagra even works for women. Depression can cause a lack of sex drive, and so can inactivity and not getting enough exercise. What steps are you taking toward fixing the problem..because trust me, it's a problem. Heck, if I had kids I'd probably turn to drugs and alcohol for a release too. At least that's more socially acceptable than cheating.
Sorry, but a marriage really is two ways. Even though I'm a woman, I really get tired of people thinking that it's always a man's fault. He may have other problems, and maybe the marriage just isn't for you, but as far as the sex is concerned, it's not his fault. And yeah, I think a lot of women should put out more to save their marriages.
I have been married for 4 years and have 2 small children. When I first met my husband I knew he watched porn and it didn't bother me that much. I didn't like it but I overlooked it. Now as time has passed we have had many problems. My sex drive has decreased because I'm always so tired from working and the kids. His sex drive has seemed to go up.(we do it about once a week but I can't find any enjoyment in it anymore). He spends many hrs a day online and even sleeps in the guest room to be on his lap top all hrs of the night. I knew he was looking at porn and felt that it was effecting our relationship. He said this was a joke. He has to look at porn because I'm a "cold fish" since the kids. He also started drinking a lot and recently spent a month in rehab for alcohol and pills (his employers demand). When he got home I took the kids out of town to visit my parents for a "break" from all of the madness at home. When I came back home I had the rare chance to see the history on his computer when he left it open. I saw that he had been viewing "casual encounters" on craigslist and had also set up a profile on another casual sex site. Furious, I confronted him and he downplayed it as "just looking" and realized then he could never act on it. Since rehab he says he is trying to be perfect. Now he is up to his usual porn habit. All of this has hurt me so badly. We have been to therapy but he didn't take it seriously. He also said that going to his own personal therapy sounded like his "worst nightmare" and wont go. I don't know what to do. We can't communicate anymore. I am so depressed. Should I consider divorce?
You said he's been looking at porn since you first met. So when he said he's looking at porn because you are a "cold fish", that's BS and it was said to hurt you. And I suppose he is an alcoholic and drug abuser because of you too. And let's not forget the profile he set up must be your fault too. Plus he feels that working on his marriage by going to therapy is his "worst nightmare" and is refusing to go.
Does this guy take responsibility for anything he does? His actions sure wouldn't get me in the mood for sex. I can't blame you for being depressed and worried about whether you should get a divorce. Being drunk and on drugs, spewing forth ugly remarks, and acting totally insensitive to your mate is a sure fired way of getting your spouse in the "mood".
If one or both of you have bailed out, then yes, I would consider divorce. It takes two to make a marriage work.
Dude, are you seriously telling this poor woman to put out more to save her marriage? Did you read her other posts? The guy has drug/alcohol problems, and is looking around for a casual encounter (if he hasn't had them already). The porn and their sex life is the least of her problems at this point! This guys is unstable and she needs to get herself and her kids outta there.
Yeah, I read her posts in this thread. It sounds like there are problems, both his and hers. My point is that she should work on HER problems first. She has a major problem in not being interested in sex (even though she may let him have his way with her once a week). She also has a problem with exhaustion. She's the one asking for help. If her husband came looking for help, I'd also suggest to him to get his stuff in order.
Alcohol and drug abuse can be a major, major problem, marriage or not. She didn't elaborate on it, so I didn't either, but if he can't control his drinking and/or drug abuse, that's reason enough for divorce.
But I'm not about to suggest that she give up on the marriage without looking first into the mirror. Maybe a different counselor could help. Maybe he doesn't give a hoot about her or his kids. I don't know, but I do know that a young guy who feels his wife doesn't care about him will do things that he otherwise wouldn't do.
For men, sex is like eating. If you don't eat you die, period. Watching porn is an outlet for him to relieve his sexual anxiety. Just remember, when he cheats (and he will) it will your fault.
If you can't understand that, you shouldn't be married.
For men, sex is like eating. If you don't eat you die, period. Watching porn is an outlet for him to relieve his sexual anxiety. Just remember, when he cheats (and he will) it will your fault.
If you can't understand that, you shouldn't be married.
Hogwash. Men cheat even when their marriage is full of sex.
Telling the OP that "when" her husband cheats it will be her fault is a disgusting statement. It's always the woman's fault, huh?
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