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This is probably going to be long. Help sorting out my reactions and feelings are much appreciated.
While I know this kind of scenario may be typical for the clash of cultures that often occurs with in-laws, I still find it extremely difficult to reconcile.
Background: I grew up with my mother and, while we weren't well-off, we had horses, and horses, along with grades were my total focus. I was a straight-A student and went on to get a bachelors and took a few years off planning to eventually go back and get my phd. In the meantime, when I was 25, my mother died and my younger sister, who was 13 at the time, came to live with me. I put off going back to school until she graduated, so I could focus on supporting her and the horses. She worked very hard, too. She graduated last month and her horse stuff is going extremely well. I went ahead and applied to get my MS in Criminal Justice, got accepted, and recently started classes.
About 2.5 yrs ago, I met a guy who had moved here from a small rural town. His parents moved here, as well. All three of them work in construction together and they do pretty well financially. We moved in together and got engaged about 2 years ago. He and his parents have adjoining property and cleared their land, built a barn for the horses, etc. (I did not suggest this; they just did it, which was really impressive) so that my sister could have the horses at home and wouldn't have to work after school, as she had been to pay the board. I can't say enough about how supportive they have been of my sister.
Here's the thing: there is this big culture clash that repeatedly gets in the way. Usually I'm fine with it, but last night I got really upset, actually. We were at dinner celebrating something my sister had achieved and I started talking about a couple of interesting things I'd read for my classes. His mom has always liked borrowing my psychology books, so I tell her I think she would love to read one of the books once I'm finished. My fiance's mom looks at me and says, "What I want to know is what are you going to do with that?" and she goes on talking about some girl whose parents paid 100k for acting school and the girl will be lucky to be making 20k/yr acting at the local theatre.
I laugh it off, tell her she's been talking to her son too much, and see that he's kind of smiling at her subtle implication that I'm wasting my time and money. Her husband changes the subject, asks my sister a question, and after my sister finishes answering it, she is obviously still thinking of the comment they made about my education. So my sister returns to the school subject and says, "There are a lot of things you can do with a masters in criminal justice." Gosh, I love that girl and on the same note feel awful that she felt she had to defend me.
I distance myself and just kinda hangout through the rest of the dinner. When we leave, the restaurant has locked the door, so I reach down and flip the lock and walk out. And hear my fiance's dad say, "Guess she learned that in criminal justice." OMFG! *deep breath* *ignore*
Anyway, here's the thing: I grew up in a household where a college education was a given. For us, it was the equivalent of a high school diploma. I never questioned if I was going or not. My mother was always supportive and told us we could be whatever we wanted to be.
My fiance, however, comes from an extremely rural area where people worked in coal mines, etc. His dad quit school after middle school and his mother finished high school. His dad is wonderful and gifted and I never look down on him, or my fiance, for not getting a college degree. But sometimes I feel that my fiance not only has written off education as impractical, but also *resents me* for my more intellectual interests.
I am not working right now. I quit my job in December to return to being self-employed in a field I don't really enjoy. And I've been looking for jobs in my field of interest, but I decided this was a good time to go ahead and work toward another degree and become qualified to do the work I want to do.
I spoke to my fiance a few minutes ago and told him I did not like that he supported his mother in subtly insulting me. However, he said he agrees with her - that what I'm doing is ridiculous, etc.
I'm really hurt! I know he has a disdain for education but I figure its my life to live and I don't care what his parents think, but having him back them up really disturbs me. I can see where it's coming from (the difference in values and upbringing) but it's still hard for me to be "ok" with. It is in these moments - and there are plenty of others - when I really wonder if I can be with him (and his family, wonderful as they are in so many ways) forever.
And it hurts! LOL Not to be too emotional... last night it just so made me miss my mum. So much.
This is probably going to be long. Help sorting out my reactions and feelings are much appreciated.
While I know this kind of scenario may be typical for the clash of cultures that often occurs with in-laws, I still find it extremely difficult to reconcile.
Background: I grew up with my mother and, while we weren't well-off, we had horses, and horses, along with grades were my total focus. I was a straight-A student and went on to get a bachelors and took a few years off planning to eventually go back and get my phd. In the meantime, when I was 25, my mother died and my younger sister, who was 13 at the time, came to live with me. I put off going back to school until she graduated, so I could focus on supporting her and the horses. She worked very hard, too. She graduated last month and her horse stuff is going extremely well. I went ahead and applied to get my MS in Criminal Justice, got accepted, and recently started classes.
About 2.5 yrs ago, I met a guy who had moved here from a small rural town. His parents moved here, as well. All three of them work in construction together and they do pretty well financially. We moved in together and got engaged about 2 years ago. He and his parents have adjoining property and cleared their land, built a barn for the horses, etc. (I did not suggest this; they just did it, which was really impressive) so that my sister could have the horses at home and wouldn't have to work after school, as she had been to pay the board. I can't say enough about how supportive they have been of my sister.
Here's the thing: there is this big culture clash that repeatedly gets in the way. Usually I'm fine with it, but last night I got really upset, actually. We were at dinner celebrating something my sister had achieved and I started talking about a couple of interesting things I'd read for my classes. His mom has always liked borrowing my psychology books, so I tell her I think she's love to read one of the books once I'm finished. My fiance's mom looks at me and says, "What I want to know is what are you going to do with that?" and she goes on talking about some girl whose parents paid 100k for acting school and the girl will be lucky to be making 20k/yr acting at the local theatre.
I laugh it off, tell her she's been talking to her son too much, and see that he's kind of smiling at her subtle implication that I'm wasting my time and money. Her husband changes the subject, asks my sister a question, and after my sister finishes answering it, 5 mins later, she returns to the school issues and says, "There are a lot of things you can do with a masters in criminal justice." Gosh, I love that girl and on the same note feel awful that she felt she had to defend me.
I distance myself and just kinda hangout through the rest of the dinner. When we leave, the restaurant has locked the door, so I reach down and flip the lock and walk out. And hear my fiance's dad say, "Guess she learned that in criminal justice." OMFG! *deep breath* *ignore*
Anyway, here's the thing: I grew up in a household where a college education was a given. For us, it was the equivalent of a high school diploma. I never questioned if I was going or not. My mother was always supportive and told us we could be whatever we wanted to be.
My fiance, however, comes from an extremely rural area where people worked in coal mines, etc. His dad quit school after middle school and his mother finished high school. His dad is wonderful and gifted and I never look down on him, or my fiance, for not getting a college degree. But sometimes I feel that my fiance not only has written off education as impractical, but also *resents me* for my more intellectual interests.
I am not working right now. I quit my job in December to return to being self-employed in a field I don't really enjoy. And I've been looking for jobs in my field of interest, but I decided this was a good time to go ahead and work toward another degree and become qualified to do the work I want to do.
I spoke to my fiance a few minutes ago and told him I did not like that he supported his mother in subtly insulting me. However, he said he agrees with her - that what I'm doing is ridiculous, etc.
I'm really hurt! I know he has a disdain for education but I figure its my life to live and I don't care what his parents think, but having him back them up really disturbs me. I can see where it's coming from (the difference in values and upbringing) but it's still hard for me to be "ok" with. It is in these moments - and there are plenty of others - when I really wonder if I can be with him (and his family, wonderful as they are in so many ways) forever.
And it hurts! LOL Not to be too emotional... last night it just so made me miss my mum. So much.
Your fiance should be your backbone, and therefore, it is HIS duty to support ALL your goals in life, and education is one of them. Unfortunately, you're seeing him through rosecolored glasses, and to be honest, he fails miserably already as a future husband, since he doesn't "get" why you went for your Ph. D. YOu should be w/ someone in the same level emotionally and intelligence wise. Yes, I know you're thinking that you don't need to have the same level of education to be together, but in your case, since education is important to you, it should also be important to you to marry someone who is in your educational level and not make a mockery of what you strive for.
I spoke to my fiance a few minutes ago and told him I did not like that he supported his mother in subtly insulting me. However, he said he agrees with her - that what I'm doing is ridiculous, etc.
This would be a deal breaker for me. The family's opinions can be ignored, even though that can be difficult. However, your fiance does not support your goals and has mocked them. This is going to be an even bigger issue between the two of you if you have children in the future. He may sabotage your efforts to ensure that they understand the value and importance of higher education.
I hate to say it, but I agree with the other posters. I think that maybe it is time to stop and take a good look at your future life with him and his family. My husband's family are very blue collar (nothing wrong with that, mind you), the highest level of education for most was middle school, and they gave him HELL when he wanted to go onto college after working for ten years in the family business (HVAC). Thought it was a waste of money and that he should be taking care of his family by working at a job he hated but paid the bills. I would suspect that your inlaws ire comes from the same place. But, the biggest reason I think you should reconsider this life with him is because he does not have your back. That is a huge red flag. You will either grow to resent the backward insults or you will give up your dreams and aspirations to keep peace. Good luck with whatever you decide.
I agree with everyone here. Your SO is supposed to understand and support you. You're supposed to admire each other to make it together for "the rest of your life". If that's not happening, it would be a deal breaker for me. As CGSA said, you could be educating children with someone with opposite views in the future.
I don't know, I would seriously think about the situation. Good luck.
So Im going to be the obstinate one. Perhaps it is my reading comprehension or you left out details, but it seems to me your a a bit sensitive. I know many people with degrees that aren’t doing anything related to their field. Mainly because the job opportunities aren’t out there for there geological area, so her comment might not be far off. It really didn’t sound like an insult. Anyway that was just a comment. The joke about criminal justice was just a joke.
Just because his family didn’t go to college doesn’t necessarily mean they have a disdain for education. Perhaps they are getting the impression that you may become a professional student. You say you are not working now and decided to go back and get your masters then PhD. Is you guy supporting you financially while you finish school?
I would go for your Master's and PhD. It sounds as if your SO and his family have a jealous streak due to your trying to improve yourself and they seem to be happy to stay where they are.
Thanks for reading the longarse diatribe! And thanks for all of the responses and feedback.
I feel exactly what you're saying... there's not enough mutual respect and appreciation and support, wherever it comes from, to sustain a lifelong relationship. This isn't the first time I've felt this way. For whatever reason, he just doesn't get the education thing and he doesn't get the horse thing, etc. Anyway, I've reached this conclusion - that we are not good for each other - numerous times before and it's just hard to follow through with because I do actually love him. But I can't live my life with someone with such different values. But I love him. But I can't be with him. But I love him... get the drift? LOL
2mares, you have a point about the 'professional student', but I've been out of school for 8 years and just returned. I don't think I quite exhibit professional student syndrome yet... that should be revealed about the time I start working in academia. And, since I quit my job, to answer your other question, he has paid the bills that I typically paid on a few occasions. And I *hate* it. I do some consulting work and it has never been my intention to have him pay them and he volunteers because he doesn't want me to get behind financially.
He will not be supporting me through school financially (and obviously not emotionally, which is the one I would prefer of the two). A lot of it does come down to differences in perspectives on life. I think knowledge is valuable for its own sake - it enhances your experience of your life - and he just cares about money and wants to retire at 50. I'd like to work in the field that fascinates me and never retire. I'd rather have a job doing what I love making half of what I make doing what I do (which is an issue, too). That's all he wanted to know about my career plans - how much I'd make doin' that.
Sorry, I am going to disagree with 2mares. I know lots of people from humble backgrounds value education despite lacking it themselves, but there are also those who scoff at education and resent intellectuals. This particular family seems to be an example of the latter. The mother's vulgarianism is further exacerbated by her manifest jealousy towards the OP. Blazejen, you are right to be sensitive on this subject, because it's only the preview of the things to come. My previous marriage was into a family where I was the only university-educated woman. At first, during the engagement, there were these small and seemingly insignificant comments and put-downs like the ones you are describing, but once we were married, they blossomed into a full-blown attack on my career, complete with a demand that I withdraw from law school since it was interpreted as a reflection on my in-laws ("what, you think you are better than us, huh?"). In the end, the intense resentment and the scheming crushed my marriage. I was still very young and you could say I ended up in not that much worse of a position than before, but I really could have done without the emotional roller-coaster of a stormy marriage and a bitter divorce.
It is a sad truth, but worth taking into account that if the in-laws don't like you -- for whatever reason -- they are going to poison your marriage. And, no matter how intensely in love you are, they have a significant advantage over you in that, unlike you, they are blood and they've been rearing your future husband since the beginning of his life. It is most highly unlikely that your fiance would significantly compromise his relationship with them for the sake of the one he has with you, and even if he does -- all the more cause for resentment against you during hard times. If he is taking their side against you even now, I would interpret this as a particularly bad sign; it means you will be under a tremendous pressure later not to continue your education later, and your accomplishments will always be either unacknowledged or worse -- disparaged.
My initial instinct is that you should sit down with your fiance and future in-laws and get the conflict out in the open -- but unfortunately, I don't think that cultural differences can be prospectively resolved in this manner. I obviously don't know your fiance and future in-laws as well as you do, so I can't tell you what decision you should make; but based on what you've said, this looks like a disaster in the making.
So Im going to be the obstinate one. Perhaps it is my reading comprehension or you left out details, but it seems to me your a a bit sensitive. I know many people with degrees that aren’t doing anything related to their field. Mainly because the job opportunities aren’t out there for there geological area, so her comment might not be far off. It really didn’t sound like an insult. Anyway that was just a comment. The joke about criminal justice was just a joke.
Just because his family didn’t go to college doesn’t necessarily mean they have a disdain for education. Perhaps they are getting the impression that you may become a professional student. You say you are not working now and decided to go back and get your masters then PhD. Is you guy supporting you financially while you finish school?
I'll go with 2mares.
Noone can put you down unless you let them put you down.
This is like me always ending up with an elite posse for a get-together. It's some fancy restaurant and I have had to deal with anti-christian diatribes, liberal baloney, and all kinds of stuff which stand squarely against my personal values. I walk out of the scene with absolutely nothing on my mind. It just never crosses the skull
And they very well know me for the bigot that I can be
blazejen, you just need to inflate your ego and get that Ph D.
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I know he has a disdain for education but I figure its my life to live and I don't care what his parents think, but having him back them up really disturbs me. I can see where it's coming from (the difference in values and upbringing) but it's still hard for me to be "ok" with. It is in these moments - and there are plenty of others - when I really wonder if I can be with him (and his family, wonderful as they are in so many ways) forever. 
LOL Not to be too emotional... last night it just so made me miss my mum. So much.
