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Cheating is SO hurtful...I don't see how people take it lightly.
But then again, I think MANY many people do it. That's why I am not convinced that marriage is necessarily the best idea...but that's another story.
I try not to be judgmental about what my friends do, but I can't help it. My "do unto others" meter is really sensitive. So when I see anybody treating anybody in a less than respectful way, I feel indignant about it. I just can't help it.
There is a such thing as self-control. If you can't control yourself, DON'T get into a committed relationship. If you think that you are prone to relationship boredom, DON'T get into a committed relationship. If you have any negative thoughts about being with just that one person for the rest of your natural born life, DON'T get into a committed relationship.
In a perfect world, that above would work everytime, all the time. But we obviously don't live in that world. In a perfect world, people would know themselves well enough to be able to fairly predict their behavior. In a perfect world, loyalty would trump desire, but for a lot of people, it doesn't.
So are you saying that IF they cheated on their partners (not habitual), you would immediately toss them like a bunch of bad salad?
Not immediately - I would try to talk them out of it first, if they were talking about it beforehand. But if they went through with it? I would wish them luck, and detach tactfully.
Quote:
Originally Posted by sms0511
Wow, amazingly that you think that all humans must be as perfect as you are, in order to be granted w/ your "gracious" friendships.
Pretty much, yeah. The friends I have seem to think I'm something special. And I don't have the emotional energy to grace EVERYone with my friendship who wants it (meaning, people who are takers far more than they are givers).
P.S. The other dealbreaker for me: anyone who doesn't like my dog is dead to me
Not immediately - I would try to talk them out of it first, if they were talking about it beforehand. But if they went through with it? I would wish them luck, and detach tactfully.
Pretty much, yeah. The friends I have seem to think I'm something special. And I don't have the emotional energy to grace EVERYone with my friendship who wants it (meaning, people who are takers far more than they are givers).
P.S. The other dealbreaker for me: anyone who doesn't like my dog is dead to me
Enjoyed your posts (and you dog looks adorable). However, I might remind you that it's those who are deeply proud that often fall the hardest. Something to keep in mind when you're thrown most your friends to the curb.
Enjoyed your posts (and you dog looks adorable). However, I might remind you that it's those who are deeply proud that often fall the hardest. Something to keep in mind when you're thrown most your friends to the curb.
Enjoyed your posts (and you dog looks adorable). However, I might remind you that it's those who are deeply proud that often fall the hardest. Something to keep in mind when you're thrown most your friends to the curb.
Good advice. I'll keep it in mind. But, for now, I have plenty of friends whose values are sufficiently in line with mine that I don't have to worry.
I think the issue of this thread is important enough to base selection of companions on, but there are plenty of issues that are not. Example: I don't smoke anything, legal or illegal. Never have, even once. But if I had a friend who did (and I have), since it only affects them, it wouldn't affect the friendship.
PS - my adorable doggy is totally growling in her sleep right now
So are you saying that IF they cheated on their partners (not habitual), you would immediately toss them like a bunch of bad salad?
Wow, amazingly that you think that all humans must be as perfect as you are, in order to be granted w/ your "gracious" friendships.
You make it sound like infidelity is only a slight imperfection. It isn't. Everyone is flawed. Everyone makes mistakes. And everyone does things we don't always approve of. Mearth gave an excellent example. Smoking is what I would call a personal flaw. I think anyone who smokes is foolish for risking their health that way. And it's something I wouldn't approve of and would hope they'd stop. But I'm obviously not going to end a friendship over that. But cheating isn't just a mistake or an error in judgment. It's far more severe and offensive, something that seems to be lost on many of the posters here. It's a deliberate act that knowingly brings pain to someone else.
I don't condone martial infidelity- but my best friend did something sexual with some tall, awkward looking girlfriend of his wife.
I am mad and disappointed at the fact that he did that to his wife and baby son at the time. But I know my best friend well- he's very friendly and helpful and gives his last dime to help those he cares about. I also know enough of this goofy chick- that she's about getting hers, and had a tinge of jealousy that her girl had such a good relationship. I also know that my both he and his wife had a very open house policy, and instead of setting some limits, they allowed goof troop over there a lot- she slept on the couch, layed across their bed- all of that trifling stuff that really should be a no-no. So as a reasonable person, while I know my best friend is a good guy, I know she's an opportunist, and all that was needed was an opportunity and the perfect circumstances for something to happen. And it did.
When he messed up- he was devastated, and tried all he could to make things work with his wife. She dismissed him and her, and while at first I was very disappointed in my boy, his wife also had some dirt that came out. I knew they had their issues- and I was his sounding board, but she wasn't the sweet angel she appeared to be. That had to affect their relationship. Not saying I condone what either of them did- since they did make a vow- before all intelligent creation to stick together, but he made a mistake. People are human, prone to err, and while the innocent mate has every right to kick the cheater to the curb, they also have the option to forgive and work at moving on. It's their choice.
It's not my position to judge his actions- people make mistakes and when they are at their lowest need nonjudgmental people at their side. He's still a good friend- actually a better friend now. Even though I have no desire to cheat, I recognize that I never know what my circumstances will bring and how things will play out. I just hope that I have support of someone who doesn't condemn me to hell for my failings.
I don't condone martial infidelity- but my best friend did something sexual with some tall, awkward looking girlfriend of his wife.
I am mad and disappointed at the fact that he did that to his wife and baby son at the time. But I know my best friend well- he's very friendly and helpful and gives his last dime to help those he cares about. I also know enough of this goofy chick- that she's about getting hers, and had a tinge of jealousy that her girl had such a good relationship. I also know that my both he and his wife had a very open house policy, and instead of setting some limits, they allowed goof troop over there a lot- she slept on the couch, layed across their bed- all of that trifling stuff that really should be a no-no. So as a reasonable person, while I know my best friend is a good guy, I know she's an opportunist, and all that was needed was an opportunity and the perfect circumstances for something to happen. And it did.
When he messed up- he was devastated, and tried all he could to make things work with his wife. She dismissed him and her, and while at first I was very disappointed in my boy, his wife also had some dirt that came out. I knew they had their issues- and I was his sounding board, but she wasn't the sweet angel she appeared to be. That had to affect their relationship. Not saying I condone what either of them did- since they did make a vow- before all intelligent creation to stick together, but he made a mistake. People are human, prone to err, and while the innocent mate has every right to kick the cheater to the curb, they also have the option to forgive and work at moving on. It's their choice.
It's not my position to judge his actions- people make mistakes and when they are at their lowest need nonjudgmental people at their side. He's still a good friend- actually a better friend now. Even though I have no desire to cheat, I recognize that I never know what my circumstances will bring and how things will play out. I just hope that I have support of someone who doesn't condemn me to hell for my failings.
You make it sound like infidelity is only a slight imperfection. It isn't. Everyone is flawed. Everyone makes mistakes. And everyone does things we don't always approve of. Mearth gave an excellent example. Smoking is what I would call a personal flaw. I think anyone who smokes is foolish for risking their health that way. And it's something I wouldn't approve of and would hope they'd stop. But I'm obviously not going to end a friendship over that. But cheating isn't just a mistake or an error in judgment. It's far more severe and offensive, something that seems to be lost on many of the posters here. It's a deliberate act that knowingly brings pain to someone else.
I don't think anyone is saying it isn't deliberate. It is deliberate and selfish. Selfish how, is the question. There are times when people get tired of giving and getting nothing in return.
Murderers have killed in self defense, as a result of years of abuse, to protect their child, you name it - it is not black and white. It is still a deliberate act that not only hurts many, it kills. It is wrong, but understandable in some cases.
Neglecting your spouse and abuse is also an offense, but not nearly as offensive as the outcome of cheating. We can go back and forth with how one should just leave, but then they wouldn't be fighting for their marriage. They can't win for losing. The morality klan ceases to exist unless they have people they can hide behind or push beneath them.
Regardless, to be so holier than thou, to label a FRIEND an outcast, unworthy of respect at all without knowing or caring to know about their situation is a deliberate offense. It oozes lack of character. It is not moral or holy or even remotely original. In fact, like temptation, it is so easy to give into....and so common.
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Well, you're younger than me. BTW, I sent you a DM.
