U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 07-02-2009, 09:22 PM
 
Location: Illinois
4,754 posts, read 4,006,881 times
Reputation: 12882

Advertisements

He is not tired from work. He is clinically depressed. Unless he gets help from a counselor and possibly medication, this is what you are looking at for the rest of your marriage. Do not accept any other excuse (work, porn, stress, sore back, etc) - this will only get better if he admits and accepts that there is a problem and he is going to have to work very hard with a counselor and be committed to fixing it. Best of luck to you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 07-02-2009, 10:18 PM
 
Location: Norwood, MN
1,828 posts, read 3,250,933 times
Reputation: 871
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serafinez View Post
I am really in need of advice. I am 23, hubby is 25. He was my first. Sex was always rather awkward between us, meaning that, we had sex for the first time almost 1 year after we had met. Starting from then on, it consisted of a bunch of quickies all over the place (quickie meaning rarely over 4-5 minutes unless it was a 2x thing). I can't remember how often it was, prolly somewhere around once every week (which I thought was because we were kids and didn't exactly have a place to do it more often or longer).

After around 4 years it started heading more around the once every month area. And as a stupid kid....I complained about it. That only made things worse obviously. One month became 3...then a year of pause....where we basically lost our intimacy, started talking only about house chores. Period when I missed my loved one immensely bad. And apparently he missed me too. He was pushing towards us being ok, and going out and talking...But every one month or so I was so frustrated about the lack of sex and had to complain .

Anyway, after the one year break....I decided to give all frustrations and anger up, and just be nice, supportive and loving....sexy and good looking too. My man woke up from his sleep, we started having sex again...about 4 times in a month...every time we did...and he actually moved on to intercourse, he finished in about 2-3 minutes. After which he apologized for his performance...I love him, and to be with him, I even told him that 1 second with him is better than years with the best screw in the world, because I love him and am atracted to him.

Still, sex is getting less often again. He's also very tired from work (his back/neck always hurts, he's immensely stressed out, even the smallest thing anoys him, always bored of everything). I know he watches porn, and I know that's how he keeps up not having sex. At another discusion he said 'please don't worry it's not your fault, I still find you very hot, but I just don't have enough energy for sex, if it were up to me I'd stay without sex for the rest of my life'. He was exagerating obviously.

Now, my question is, I really love this guy....I do want him by my side for the rest of my life, with the once every 1-2 months sex and all. But I'm not sure if he's telling me the truth. I know some of the best men out there have been known to lie about affairs (though I can't possibly imagine when he could do that, with him clearly being at work 8 hrs a day and spending all the rest of the time with me). I also know about depression. I'm sorry for having written such a long post, I really am in need of advice on how I can make this even remotely better. He gets angry when he talks about sex, he sais he's never enjoyed talking about sex and in the whole 7 years of our marriage he's never asked for anything in particular when it comes to it.
I havent had sex with my wife for about 9 years, I have given up trying. Rosie and her 5 sisters are an adequate, though far from ideal, substitute.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2009, 12:12 AM
 
3,853 posts, read 11,334,559 times
Reputation: 2503
Get a divorce.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2009, 12:15 AM
 
Location: southern california
54,813 posts, read 71,572,786 times
Reputation: 46891
i dont see any problem with your sex life at all. for all her faults my ex was great about doing her marital duties. she would insist on having sex with me every year whether i needed it or not.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2009, 12:24 AM
 
Location: Delaware...Oi
1,293 posts, read 2,824,781 times
Reputation: 535
Quote:
Originally Posted by big daryle View Post
I havent had sex with my wife for about 9 years, I have given up trying. Rosie and her 5 sisters are an adequate, though far from ideal, substitute.
Just don't get that. If there's not a valid medical reason for it, why would anyone settle for not having their needs met in a relationship, if discussing this or otherwise communicating effectively?

It doesn't have to be all about THEM, or sex, but there are obvious limits here, that's about a thousand times past it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2009, 12:33 AM
 
Location: southern california
54,813 posts, read 71,572,786 times
Reputation: 46891
Quote:
Originally Posted by Waynec613 View Post
Just don't get that. If there's not a valid medical reason for it, why would anyone settle for not having their needs met in a relationship, if discussing this or otherwise communicating effectively?

It doesn't have to be all about THEM, or sex, but there are obvious limits here, that's about a thousand times past it.
when people get married the marriage cops dont come out & arrest them when they dont do their vows, it does not happen. trust me all these posts you are seeing from women that got a husband "internet cheating" and "porn addict". that boy got cut off years ago. that is why he is messing around late at night with a computer keyboard, he be lonely.
every picture tells a story dont it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2009, 01:07 AM
 
137 posts, read 197,523 times
Reputation: 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by eger View Post
low libido, weight gain, tiredness, depression, aching
He seems to have all these, specially the weight gain. I forgot to mention that. He's not messing late nights or anything, he does basically everything with me (except for sex that is) because he wants to. It's actually me that might have needed some space once in a while (although I didn't ask for it). He's always been the 'you're my wife and best friend you have to be with me all the time' guy.

Quote:
'Could it be he's embarrassed about being such a minute-man and therefore avoids sex because of his self-consciousness? Could be trapped in a sort of self-perpetuating cycle.'
This could also be a huge issue. He's a perfectionist and always seemed dissapointed with himself about that. Now, come to think of it, knowing him, he might be waaayyyyy more affected about that than he shows.
I don't know how other people are, but, yes he was my first and only, and from every other point of view we're a perfect match.

We also basically grew up together and were there for eachother through an endless series of outside problems. Got our first house, car, job...everything together. So it's kinda hard to move on from this. Specially if this problem is solvable (even if this takes a couple of years to get back to at least decent). Depression is also a version. Thing is...I'm just trying to rule out the 'he's just bored and stays out of fear of moving on' version. For that, It'd be best if we split. For anything else, assuming he really continues to love me and be with me, whatever the matter is, I really am prepared to 'fight' so to say. Thanks for all the posts you have been amazingly helpful and suportive
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2009, 01:09 AM
 
Location: Delaware...Oi
1,293 posts, read 2,824,781 times
Reputation: 535
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huckleberry3911948 View Post
when people get married the marriage cops dont come out & arrest them when they dont do their vows, it does not happen. trust me all these posts you are seeing from women that got a husband "internet cheating" and "porn addict". that boy got cut off years ago. that is why he is messing around late at night with a computer keyboard, he be lonely.
every picture tells a story dont it.
I kinda doubt that. If it was that bad, the decent thing to do is simply divorce if she's unwilling to delve further into why with counseling or the like. I just can't see taking a lifetime bullet like that for the sake of a facade. It's fairly obvious she doesn't give much of a crap about you if it's that bad. So there's obviously no real feelings left.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2009, 01:22 AM
 
137 posts, read 197,523 times
Reputation: 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by BLAZER PROPHET View Post
As usual, we're only getting one side of the story. I'd love to hear what the denounced hubby has to say...

So would I. It would make things a lot easier. Talking this over with him is very hard close to impossible. It seems to be a pretty hurtful topic to him. If I'm even remotely getting close to talking about it again, he'll get angry even at the hint that I wanna start the talk most of the time. So I usually try be nice rather than start such a talk. I know what nagging wifes are about, I've rarely been one of them.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 07-03-2009, 01:24 AM
 
137 posts, read 197,523 times
Reputation: 142
Quote:
Originally Posted by Augustabuckeye View Post
Serafinez - You stated that he is not into oral...Maybe you want to take his things into your own hands (if you know what I mean)...There are a number of oils on the market that would help that...
He is not into oral, as in he is not into receiving oral. He sais he doesn't find anything special about it....I might be doing it wrong...but I have tried to change the way i do it quite a few times, in the hope that I'll get it right eventually. He never said I was bad at it. I just assumed that's why he might not like it.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply
Please update this thread with any new information or opinions. This open thread is still read by thousands of people, so we encourage all additional points of view.

Quick Reply
Message:

Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Relationships
Similar Threads
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 06:47 PM.

2005-2017, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top