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Old 07-02-2009, 01:53 AM
 
137 posts, read 198,272 times
Reputation: 142

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I am really in need of advice. I am 23, hubby is 25. He was my first. Sex was always rather awkward between us, meaning that, we had sex for the first time almost 1 year after we had met. Starting from then on, it consisted of a bunch of quickies all over the place (quickie meaning rarely over 4-5 minutes unless it was a 2x thing). I can't remember how often it was, prolly somewhere around once every week (which I thought was because we were kids and didn't exactly have a place to do it more often or longer).

After around 4 years it started heading more around the once every month area. And as a stupid kid....I complained about it. That only made things worse obviously. One month became 3...then a year of pause....where we basically lost our intimacy, started talking only about house chores. Period when I missed my loved one immensely bad. And apparently he missed me too. He was pushing towards us being ok, and going out and talking...But every one month or so I was so frustrated about the lack of sex and had to complain .

Anyway, after the one year break....I decided to give all frustrations and anger up, and just be nice, supportive and loving....sexy and good looking too. My man woke up from his sleep, we started having sex again...about 4 times in a month...every time we did...and he actually moved on to intercourse, he finished in about 2-3 minutes. After which he apologized for his performance...I love him, and to be with him, I even told him that 1 second with him is better than years with the best screw in the world, because I love him and am atracted to him.

Still, sex is getting less often again. He's also very tired from work (his back/neck always hurts, he's immensely stressed out, even the smallest thing anoys him, always bored of everything). I know he watches porn, and I know that's how he keeps up not having sex. At another discusion he said 'please don't worry it's not your fault, I still find you very hot, but I just don't have enough energy for sex, if it were up to me I'd stay without sex for the rest of my life'. He was exagerating obviously.

Now, my question is, I really love this guy....I do want him by my side for the rest of my life, with the once every 1-2 months sex and all. But I'm not sure if he's telling me the truth. I know some of the best men out there have been known to lie about affairs (though I can't possibly imagine when he could do that, with him clearly being at work 8 hrs a day and spending all the rest of the time with me). I also know about depression. I'm sorry for having written such a long post, I really am in need of advice on how I can make this even remotely better. He gets angry when he talks about sex, he sais he's never enjoyed talking about sex and in the whole 7 years of our marriage he's never asked for anything in particular when it comes to it.
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Old 07-02-2009, 02:10 AM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,500 posts, read 19,394,819 times
Reputation: 4206
You should have an affair with someone to get some nook on the side or plan on getting a divorce. Sounds terrible.
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Old 07-02-2009, 02:23 AM
 
3 posts, read 5,187 times
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Default About that HUBBY...

Maybe you should consider the following (since you all are so young, and obviously able-bodied:

1) He's just not into sex.

2) He's not into sex with you (maybe you can get some help to make it more enjoyable for the both of you).

3) Is it possible that he has homosexual tendencies? Have you ever looked in to exactly what KIND of porn he likes? Try tracing his steps before you pose the question. You may find out some things you don't know...or maybe would have never guessed. My ex was in to porn. Trust me, you can gauge a WHOLE lot about what they are into by simply seeing where they go, or to what type of sites they subscribe. You may find that it is nothing extraordinary...or the flip side is you may find that YOU are completely opposite from what REALLY 'does it' for him. Investigate. Just be mentally prepared. It can be very hurtful.

4) Age 25 is very early to be 'out-of-commission'. Do you think that he may be too proud to get some help for some sort of dysfunction? You may want to seek out a sex-therapist or urologist...or perhaps a combination of the two. Now is the time to get to the bottom of it.

5) Suggest that he cuts the porn. There is no reason to deprive a willing young wife, unless there is a problem. Trust me, I have been down this very road...and once your prime starts drawing nearer and nearer...the desire for an orgasm is going to far out-weigh the 'warm and fuzzies' that you are feeling now.

Do what you have to do...or deal. If you intend to go about fixing things (having him admit that there is a problem...even if you unknowingly hold some fault) than do it now. You'll thank yourself!
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Old 07-02-2009, 02:29 AM
 
13,491 posts, read 13,846,426 times
Reputation: 11113
you are both way too young to be having the sex life of someone that is seventy years old or more. it sounds like your guy just isn't very sexual. I would tend to believe him when he said he could go without it forever, if the past is any indicator. I have had friends who either have no sex at all in their marriage or they had sex so rarely that it became so ackward that they just quit all together and soon divorced. something is wrong with him if he gets mad when you want to talk about sex. he either really has no desire for it and is embarrassed to say. or he is too busy with his porn collection and it is easier to be intimate with an image other than the real thing. either way it is not good. you deserve someone who will love you. after all this time I can't see him changing it can only get worse. you could insist that you two see someone to get to the bottom of it. I think you should give your self a certain amount of time to see if he can or will change and if he doesn't move on down the road and stop wasting your life with someone who can't truly love you. do not feel guilty about what you want or need some people are not capeable of change, doesn't mean they are bad people they just don't have it in them to change. do not settle for half a life
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Old 07-02-2009, 02:55 AM
 
137 posts, read 198,272 times
Reputation: 142
Hi. Thanks for the answer. He admits to having a problem. I did check out the porn he watches.(and I'm sorta ashamed of going into his privacy). It's amazingly random. From milf to teen to asian. It looks like he's simply opening a page and then skipping to another very fast. He usually searches for what appears to be the first thing to come to his mind, like 'teen''porn''milf''sex'....

Sometimes he won't even watch actual porn, he'll just look at naked chicks...most of the chicks being chicks like me (brunette and small). Or, he'll look at chicks that I said at one point in time I find hot.

Usually it's something along the lines of 5-10 minutes. He mostly watches porn in weekends. Although, lately I've noticed if he has a really really stressful day...he'll have that 5-10 minutes of porn 3-4 times a day....those days are rare but they happen.

I don't know if I have the right view on this, but he leaves the impression that he's watching such diverse stuff to figure out what turns him on. I know we had a talk once ( a more emotional one) where I admited to thinking of him when I'm 'fixing' myself. And he said, that 'oddly enough', he does the same. He does stuff like pinch my butt or say I'm hot when he's in a good mood. Also...I've heard 'please stop going around half naked you'll make me horny and I don't want to have sex because I don't have the energy).

He's never liked oral sex....(though maybe I'm not doing it well enough for him, that can always be the case). He knows I'm not forplay obsessed. I made it very clear that I'm open minded and would like anything from a quickie to any form of sex he chooses as long as I get to be close to him.

Basically, things have changed a bit...he did switch from once every 2-3 month to once every 2-3 weeks. And he really is in a very tough period of his life right now (huge financial problems, a ton of stress at work). To make it clear, he usually doesn't seem to have energy for anything, not just sex. And his coming fast and thinking he hasn't satisfied me probably adds up even more stress...I can handle all this as long as it really is just stress and low libido. What I want to know is, what are the chances that this man is having an affair or doesn't find me attractive at all anymore?
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Old 07-02-2009, 03:43 AM
 
13,491 posts, read 13,846,426 times
Reputation: 11113
sera, I would doubt very much that he is having an affair. if he is having sex it is with himself. honestly what you describe is a man with some serious issues. nice as he is, as much as you both love each other he has got himself in a pickle. a quick 5 or 10 mminute porn watch 3 or 4 times a day is distracting to say the least. I have no problem with men watching porn or a couple looking at porn so I am not saying I worry about it from that stand point. but when he looks at it several times a day and still really doesn't want much to do with sex with you then something is going on with him. what I don't know. ,most men especially one as young as your guy wants sex even when they are tired. they would be happy to "lay there and take it' if they are that tired.
a healthy happy compatable sex life is part of being a happy healthy person. you shouldn't have to settle for a disfuntional sex life. it doesn't have to be wild sex every night but it shouldn't be what you are describing.
most men love oral sex. I am sure there are some that don't but it is rare. has he told you the reason he doesn't like it? part of sex is wanting to please your partner and once a man knows this is a great wway to please a woman they become expert at it. I would stop giving him oral if he can't give it in return. trust me you are doing it right!
maybe there is some reason in his life where he was told or feels it is wrong to have sex so much. something is off kilter. when he tells you not to run around naked because he doesn't want to be tempted. most men would love to be tempted. most men you just have to say...hey baby, and its on.
I would get tired of always being the aggressor. but perhaps you can get him back into a routine. I think honestly he has some issues going on and he may be too embarrassed to talk about them. it sounds like you have a ton of work to do, to get this train back on tract. give yourself a time limit and see if you can make it work but if you can't you should seriously think about getting out and finding a real lover. you deserve that.
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Old 07-02-2009, 06:37 AM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,500 posts, read 19,394,819 times
Reputation: 4206
He might also be homosexual or transexual as these types of folks tend to marry young because it is safer and more stable for them to be in a relationship. Either way, you are too young to be living in a completely sexless marriage.
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Old 07-02-2009, 06:46 AM
 
Location: Maryland Eastern Shore
969 posts, read 2,446,488 times
Reputation: 930
I think you are cheating yourself out of the best "part" of a relationship - and he is cheating you out of the intimacy you deserve.

You are far too young to "settle"

You said he was your first - did you also mean only?

If so - you have no idea what you are missing - the only thing worse than no sex is bad sex.
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Old 07-02-2009, 06:51 AM
 
Location: Augusta, Ga
337 posts, read 681,566 times
Reputation: 159
Serafinez - You stated that he is not into oral...Maybe you want to take his things into your own hands (if you know what I mean)...There are a number of oils on the market that would help that...

Some other suggestions - wear a tight "wife beater" and some very little panties...Tell him that the AC is broken and you are hot...Which you are...

Tell him that one night...Its your turn to please him...Long hot shower/bath...You help scrub him down...And dry him off. Then tell him to lie on the bed while you give him a massage. Help re-ignite the touches but from you to him...and with no pressure for sex. You would be surprised hwo that may help.

BTW...Did you ever pinch his butt and tell him he is HOT???

It can be a long road..but keep trying...
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Old 07-02-2009, 07:39 AM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 85,507,861 times
Reputation: 39654
Quote:
Originally Posted by Serafinez View Post
I am really in need of advice. I am 23, hubby is 25. He was my first. Sex was always rather awkward between us, meaning that, we had sex for the first time almost 1 year after we had met. Starting from then on, it consisted of a bunch of quickies all over the place (quickie meaning rarely over 4-5 minutes unless it was a 2x thing). I can't remember how often it was, prolly somewhere around once every week (which I thought was because we were kids and didn't exactly have a place to do it more often or longer).

After around 4 years it started heading more around the once every month area. And as a stupid kid....I complained about it. That only made things worse obviously. One month became 3...then a year of pause....where we basically lost our intimacy, started talking only about house chores. Period when I missed my loved one immensely bad. And apparently he missed me too. He was pushing towards us being ok, and going out and talking...But every one month or so I was so frustrated about the lack of sex and had to complain .

Anyway, after the one year break....I decided to give all frustrations and anger up, and just be nice, supportive and loving....sexy and good looking too. My man woke up from his sleep, we started having sex again...about 4 times in a month...every time we did...and he actually moved on to intercourse, he finished in about 2-3 minutes. After which he apologized for his performance...I love him, and to be with him, I even told him that 1 second with him is better than years with the best screw in the world, because I love him and am atracted to him.

Still, sex is getting less often again. He's also very tired from work (his back/neck always hurts, he's immensely stressed out, even the smallest thing anoys him, always bored of everything). I know he watches porn, and I know that's how he keeps up not having sex. At another discusion he said 'please don't worry it's not your fault, I still find you very hot, but I just don't have enough energy for sex, if it were up to me I'd stay without sex for the rest of my life'. He was exagerating obviously.

Now, my question is, I really love this guy....I do want him by my side for the rest of my life, with the once every 1-2 months sex and all. But I'm not sure if he's telling me the truth. I know some of the best men out there have been known to lie about affairs (though I can't possibly imagine when he could do that, with him clearly being at work 8 hrs a day and spending all the rest of the time with me). I also know about depression. I'm sorry for having written such a long post, I really am in need of advice on how I can make this even remotely better. He gets angry when he talks about sex, he sais he's never enjoyed talking about sex and in the whole 7 years of our marriage he's never asked for anything in particular when it comes to it.
You guys need professional help, not the help of people on a message board I'm afraid. CALL A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR.
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