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Old 07-02-2009, 06:35 PM
 
13 posts, read 12,077 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blazejen View Post
Ow.

I do hear you flip flopping between taking responsibility and blaming her instead. If you think you have issues to deal with - and think you were wrong in the way you treated her - then address those issues with yourself first. Then, if you think she has issues that should be addressed, you can share those with her.

I always feel for older guys who get involved with 18-20 year olds. At 18, there is often much experimenting to be done. Maybe some women want to have sex for the first time with someone who doesn't mean much. Maybe it's not so "sacred." I think you are interpreting things in ways that make things more painful for you. For ex, associating her with someone else who cheated. While her reaction to the cheating can be telling, the fact that someone she knows cheated is really not evidence against her.

I think you're right about counseling - work on you. Don't do it for her... because as long as you're focusing all of your energy on her, you're not focusing on you. Obviously. If, however, you wish that you had a more constructive way of engaging in your relationship, go to counseling... there are resources for you, especially if you're unemployed at present.

You'll be aight. Take some deep breaths. Your pain is clear, but you will be okay. No matter what happens, you'll handle it. Good for you for not allowing yourself to disintegrate!

I am only 2 yeras older than her.. She was 18 and I was 20 when I found her... She is 27 now and I am 29... but in terms of experience, I guess I should've found her when she had more experience or time to grow and find herself.. because when I was 18-20, I did all my partying and dating and my fair share of flings to the point that I wanted a serious girlfriend by the time I found her.. maybe she didn't but just wnet with the flow.. and Im not trying to flip flop between blaming her in my explanation.. I am just explaining how I "WAS" jealous.. now I don't even care anymore... she's gone, she's left.. I didn't chase after her or anything... I accepted it.. I clearly knew what I did to her when she walked out so abruptly...

Now she's partyign with all her single girlfriends who also have commitment issues and thats the only thing that scares me... her best friend broke off her engagement, her other friend had a divorce after a year, her cousin cheated on her man, her other 2 friends had like 5 different boyfriends the whole time we've known them.. so it seems like she thinks its okay to run out ther eand find herself... I dunno.. My sister says that although my jealousy pushed her away, the way she's handling herself during this breakup shows alot about her... I just hope she finds herself soon (while I try to cure myself as well) because I take blame in her loosing herself tryign to be with me for those 8.5 years....

Last edited by Martian536; 07-02-2009 at 06:44 PM..
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Old 07-02-2009, 06:38 PM
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
15,238 posts, read 25,540,338 times
Reputation: 12417
Anybody got the Cliff's Notes version of this?
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Old 07-02-2009, 06:48 PM
 
13 posts, read 12,077 times
Reputation: 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twinkle Toes View Post
Anybody got the Cliff's Notes version of this?
Haha.. Met girl when she was 18 and I was 20.. she had a mini affair with an ex fling in the honeymoon phase of our relationship... told me a bit too late for me to step out of the relationship.. then did something else that made me think she wasn't sorry for what she did...and broke my trust further.. I didn't realize how I would deal with the jealousy emotions that would haunt me for hte next remaining years... 8.5 yeras later, I bring up the past because my self esteem has hit an all time low (lost my job for several months) and getting negative thoughts that she would leave me soon because of the way my life is.. therefore, I associate the pain of her leaving me to the pain of her hurting me in the past.. she got fedup of me doing this again so she walked out.. first fight after we got engaged just this past January... now she says she needs time to find herself.... and I'm looking for help on my own as well.. right now Im doing my best by working out alot, hanging otu with friends and family and rediscovering my life as well.. I think I put so much itno my relationship that I lost myself (and my self esteem) as well.. we became codependent...add that with jealousy and it was a recipe for disaster..
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Old 07-02-2009, 06:53 PM
 
Location: Coachella Valley, California
15,238 posts, read 25,540,338 times
Reputation: 12417
Martian, just move on. She sounds like more trouble than she's worth. Continue what your doing - working out, seeing friends, etc. and get reacquainted with yourself. Spend time getting to know who YOU are and what YOU like and want out of life and you will be a much better and happier person for it. I wish you the best of luck!
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Old 07-02-2009, 09:26 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
15,415 posts, read 14,731,233 times
Reputation: 21866
Jealousy is a nasty, hateful, evil crime! I mean, jealousy can become an ugly thing! I can sit here, and tell you to turn a cheek. Get over it. Try to be more understanding.
Only YOU.....can do this! You have to get over what she did, and if you don`t think you can, let her go...if not, its gonna be nothing but what you are going through, right now.
You have to forgive, and forget. If not, move on!!!!
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Old 07-02-2009, 09:37 PM
 
Location: James Island, SC
1,628 posts, read 2,411,739 times
Reputation: 921
Quote:
Originally Posted by blazejen View Post
While her reaction to the cheating can be telling, the fact that someone she knows cheated is really not evidence against her.
Yeah, it is - as was said in another cheating thread recently, "If you lie down with dogs, you're gonna get fleas."

Plus, it's more than one person that she knows:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martian536 View Post
Now she's partyign with all her single girlfriends who also have commitment issues and thats the only thing that scares me... her best friend broke off her engagement, her other friend had a divorce after a year, her cousin cheated on her man, her other 2 friends had like 5 different boyfriends the whole time we've known them..


Quote:
Originally Posted by ulnevrwalkalone View Post
You really wanted to be with this girl forever (married) and yet you could not trust her to talk to other guys??? Its called trust, and its terrifying. You were scared of getting hurt and that is natural, but you want to love somebody you have to open yourself to them completely and trust them.
She already DID hurt him. Hell, I wouldn't trust her, either.

The real tragedy here as that the OP spent so many years feeling as though he deserved this treatment, and blaming himself.

Counseling is an excellent idea, OP - because you need to recover from the emotional damage all this beating-up-on-yourself has done to your perception of yourself over time. You sound like a sensitive person - you deserve MUCH better than her.
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Old 07-03-2009, 02:17 AM
 
47,585 posts, read 35,983,019 times
Reputation: 21593
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mearth View Post
She already DID hurt him. Hell, I wouldn't trust her, either.

The real tragedy here as that the OP spent so many years feeling as though he deserved this treatment, and blaming himself.

Counseling is an excellent idea, OP - because you need to recover from the emotional damage all this beating-up-on-yourself has done to your perception of yourself over time. You sound like a sensitive person - you deserve MUCH better than her.

Yes, to me the OP has the classic signs of someone who has been emotionally abused by a cheater.

It takes time to recover from that kind of relationship, some people simply cannot remain faithful, it's not in them and no amount of years will cure them.

I don't believe it has to do with her age at all. She sounds more like a "Sex in the City" kind of character who likes the soap opera drama of a dysfunctional love-life.

The OP has to realize you cannot change others, you can change yourself and now after this many years with this person, you must change yourself, rediscover what you once were so you can find a good person the next time.
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Old 07-03-2009, 02:34 AM
 
47,585 posts, read 35,983,019 times
Reputation: 21593
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martian536 View Post
as well.. we became codependent...add that with jealousy and it was a recipe for disaster..
This is a good reason to move on after the first time someone cheats on you.

In a marriage with children, that might sometimes be easier said than done because there are other issues and people and the interests of the children may factor in. In your case, you should have moved at the very start when she informed you she had sex with the other guy.

She cheated on you but kept you on a string for 8 years, she gets engaged and then immediately walks out. She plays jealousy games with you but you also did allow her to do so.

You don't have to see your relationship with her as a total waste of time - most people are to young to commit and marry at age 20 anyhow so see it as lessons learned. But you have to look at your ownself and find out why you stuck around for that length of time in a relationship that was this hurtful.

Maybe there are issues in your own life, your own upbringing but if you don't deal with them now, unfortunately you could get into a very sad pattern of relationships.
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Old 07-03-2009, 08:26 AM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
13,045 posts, read 22,476,692 times
Reputation: 10251
My thoughts are for you to move on and forget her. Don't date any women for a while as you get yourself together. Sort out your own life in terms of work, and find yourself some hobbies. Work on your self esteem issues. Your sense of self-worth should have nothing at all to do with who you are dating or married to.

I feel that you place too much importance on having a virgin. I feel that way back when you first met her, you liked her more for being a virgin, in contrast with all the other girls you had slept with before. Had she not been a virgin, you would not have gotten so attached to her. As a woman, I can tell you that my first sexual experience (at 20) was no big deal at all to me. That first boyfriend was not my first crush or love. BTW do you remember your first sexual partner that fondly? Was she your first love? Have you never had a virgin? Is that why you think having a virgin is that special? And you got your time to play around and you still turned out to be a good guy, so why can't a woman play around a little in her youth and still turn out to be a good woman for a relationship?

I think that your attitude over not being her first lover and just overall possessiveness towards her all these years has make her really relish her new found freedom since the two of you have broken up. You became her ball and chain. No wonder she's now running around like a wild thing with her girlfriends. No wonder she doesn't miss having you around.

If I were to date a guy that was as obsessed as you over not being my first sexual experience, I would dump him quickly as I feel that his relationship priorities were in total conflict from mine. And I am a much better companion and girlfriend material now, then I was at 20.

I also have never had any desire to be a guy's first girlfriend as I feel that he would get too attached to me, and for the wrong reasons. Of course, I wouldn't want a guy that was a man sl*t, but a guy that has had a moderate amount of girlfriends for his age is just fine... and real girlfriends over casual hookups or FWB's. I don't want a guy that drops his pants at every opportunity.

And... I feel that it's a good thing that you weren't her first sexual partner as she still would have left you. But the difference would be that you'd be even more attached to her.

So work on yourself, get your career and life in order, and get over all that silly virgin nonsense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Martian536 View Post
I felt betrayed, I felt like I was second place and I didn't understand why she did that and I lived with thoughts that she loved the other dude more than she did me since she gave up something so special to a girl and little does she know that I'll be her first true love but not her first intimate encounter.. I never got involved in any love triangle until she put me in one..
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martian536 View Post
I am only 2 yeras older than her.. She was 18 and I was 20 when I found her... She is 27 now and I am 29... but in terms of experience, I guess I should've found her when she had more experience or time to grow and find herself.. because when I was 18-20, I did all my partying and dating and my fair share of flings to the point that I wanted a serious girlfriend by the time I found her.. maybe she didn't but just wnet with the flow.. and Im not trying to flip flop between blaming her in my explanation.. I am just explaining how I "WAS" jealous.. now I don't even care anymore... she's gone, she's left.. I didn't chase after her or anything... I accepted it.. I clearly knew what I did to her when she walked out so abruptly...

Now she's partyign with all her single girlfriends who also have commitment issues and thats the only thing that scares me... her best friend broke off her engagement, her other friend had a divorce after a year, her cousin cheated on her man, her other 2 friends had like 5 different boyfriends the whole time we've known them.. so it seems like she thinks its okay to run out ther eand find herself... I dunno.. My sister says that although my jealousy pushed her away, the way she's handling herself during this breakup shows alot about her... I just hope she finds herself soon (while I try to cure myself as well) because I take blame in her loosing herself tryign to be with me for those 8.5 years....
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Old 07-03-2009, 08:30 AM
 
1,091 posts, read 2,427,667 times
Reputation: 995
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martian536 View Post
Hi All,
I'm going thru a major life crisis right now.. I was engaged to my fiance of whom I've been with for 8.5 years.. basically its like we've been married already because we've cohabitated for several years..

I just proposed to her this January and the first fight we had (due to my insecurity and jealousy) was at the end of April.. she immediately walked out and moved out.. she went on a 2 month break with barely in contact to me... I respected her space and then she met me last Thursday and gave me back the ring and called off the engagement saying she couldn't find herself in the 2 months becuase she was still engaged to me.. I don't know if I'll ever see her again but I hate myself for being mentally sick over the past several years..

I was never a jealous person until she came into my life.. I met her and she swooped me off my feet... While we were casually dating (we were already kissing and all), she told me she was a virgin... I respected that and wanted to wait until we were ready... so anyway, a few weeks later, I drop her off to the airport because she's going back to her hometown.. I met her when she was 18 and right after she moved out of high school for college..

Anyway, she comes back and we continue dating some more.. until the night we first got intimate, i found out she gave it up to some high school fling that weekend i dropped her off that she would never ever see again... that guy was never her boyfriend...

I felt betrayed, I felt like I was second place and I didn't understand why she did that and I lived with thoughts that she loved the other dude more than she did me since she gave up something so special to a girl and little does she know that I'll be her first true love but not her first intimate encounter.. I never got involved in any love triangle until she put me in one..

So anyway, that was in the beginning.. then a few months after we became official, I asked her to stop talking to some other dude that she had a fling with (because of what happened).. she took the guy's name off her Instant Messenger in front of me.. a few weeks later, I noticed he was back on.. her excuse was "he's just a friend".. I was even devastated more.. It felt so disrespectful after how she hurt me the first time...

So that was all in the first year of our relationship..

fast forward 8.5 years later, i lost my job over the past year and have been unemployed.. I've been feeling low lately and don't feel secure about myself and our petty fights have been more intensed lately (I never realized my low selfesteem was tied to my jealousy).. however, it seems like every fight we had, I would always bring up the past like I could never get over it or because i used it to make her feel guilty... gosh =(... OVer the last year, I've caused petty arguments with her about her loyalty to me even though she has truly changed and stuck with me for 8.5 yeras but I guess I could never really rid myself of the green eyed monster.. the deeper I fell in love, the more I was afraid she'd hurt me again.... She's the type thats very friendly to everybody and her two sisters moved down to the area and now she's more occupied than ever.. I guess I was starting to miss her attention right when I needed it the most.. it seems like she became less committed on US and more into her social surroundings...

Then we got into a super major argument about her cousin who cheated on my friend and is now pregnant with the new dude's baby and forced to marry the guy..I automatically clumped her with her and brought back the past again saying I don't understand why girls can get away with crap like that...

this is when she walked out and couldn't take it anymore.. I was stressed about my job situation adn wanted to vent out to her but her cousin's conversation with her b4 the fight triggered the painful past...


I need therapy and want to know whats the best way.. I can't really afford therapy sessions right now because I have no insurance but I've read self-help books like "Love Without Hurt" .. it teaches me to train myself with compassion and I 100% realize how much resentment she's been building because we would always sweep it under the rug and she would never openly tell me to seek help.. I guess she thought I could handle my jealousy emotions myself... It also helps her find herself again after years of walking on eggshells with me...

I broke her identity apart and I never saw this coming and never took her seriously until she actually left me.. I am about to buy that program on nomorejealousy.com , they explain how to cope with jealousy after an affair .. she thinks its not an affair because she says she didn't love me yet but it still hurts because she put a guy between us... and I've read an article that says first impressions last a lifetime and if a girl cheats on you while you're dating her in the beginning, expect that to be her best behavior...

so I am too hard on myself? I hope my gf finds hte compassion to forgive me for not being able to truly forgive her (forget about the past)... I felt like I lost her in the beginning and I lost her again in the end because I didn't know how to deal with this poison.. =( .. I wish she never did that mistake, our relationship would've been perfect, I just didn't know I was breaking her down that bad... jealousy was the only thing tormenting me.. I was never really controlling or possessive but my jealousy would really cause some petty anger-rage guilttrip arguments that she just couldn't take anymore..

With all due respect, I think you do need counseling or psychiatric help, and I hope you seek it.

Peace.
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