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It wasn't necessarily that she was a virgin.. its more of the fact that she put a guy between us... whenever you're dating or courting someone, don't ruin the dynamics by causing a vicious love triangle.. if she never committed such a selfish mistake, i wouldn't have turned out to be a jealous partner... and realize i was wrong for not being able to close the past.. then again, like i said.. she did something else that made me realize she's the type that likes to keep her guy options open.. and when she went on a break (before officially breaking up), I was noticing she was reconnecting with old high school flings again and starting to give her number out to random dudes like she needs guy friends around... like totally trying to rebound right away... im keeping my dignity... i really take blame for causing her identity crisis because although she was a confused insecure girl in the beginning, she's grown to a woman and became loyal but i could've treated her better and now i feel like ive lost her to who she was when she first met me, the side of her that she's not really happy to be... when i met her, she dressed like a single girl wanting attention cuz i knew she just wanted to be loved, then she became very conservative with me and didn't care about partying and became more of a family woman while i became the insecure one.. i know the partying she's doing and all that is becuase she's really hurt and trying to put a major front and i hope we both find it in our heart to forgive each other and start new..
WHY??? Why are you trying so hard to rationalize all her bad behaviour? Why on earth would you want her to turn her life around and the two of you be a couple again???? MOVE ON!!!! Find a decent woman without these head issues and a need for drama to have a relationship with. She's 27 and probably going to get worse when she turns 30 years old and has a real mid-life crisis about not living the Sex and the City lifestyle she so desires to emulate. Aside from the dating lifestyle, does she also want to copy how they shop and dress? And she's going to further fall apart when her youthful looks start to fade. She's really not what any man wants for a s/o imo.
WHY??? Why are you trying so hard to rationalize all her bad behaviour? Why on earth would you want her to turn her life around and the two of you be a couple again???? MOVE ON!!!! Find a decent woman without these head issues and a need for drama to have a relationship with. She's 27 and probably going to get worse when she turns 30 years old and has a real mid-life crisis about not living the Sex and the City lifestyle she so desires to emulate. Aside from the dating lifestyle, does she also want to copy how they shop and dress? And she's going to further fall apart when her youthful looks start to fade. She's really not what any man wants for a s/o imo.
Stop trying to save her.
Ditto. A thousand times ditto. Run far, far away from her and don't look back.
WHY??? Why are you trying so hard to rationalize all her bad behaviour? Why on earth would you want her to turn her life around and the two of you be a couple again???? MOVE ON!!!! Find a decent woman without these head issues and a need for drama to have a relationship with. She's 27 and probably going to get worse when she turns 30 years old and has a real mid-life crisis about not living the Sex and the City lifestyle she so desires to emulate. Aside from the dating lifestyle, does she also want to copy how they shop and dress? And she's going to further fall apart when her youthful looks start to fade. She's really not what any man wants for a s/o imo.
Stop trying to save her.
wow, you are so on point with the Sex and the City lifestyle.. this girl is so proud to call herself a "girly-girl" and i also think its has alot to do with her upbringing.. her mom left her biological father when she was 3 (to cheating or betrayal issues on the dad's part but im sure she looks at her mom as a strong woman who can just leave any guy).. so she did not really know her real dad.. then the mom married a new guy and now she has 3 younger sisters in which she played the "Super elder Sister" role.... so she definately does not understand men at all in some sense... she even had to buy that book called "why men love *******" because maybe she just didn't know how to communicate or be a real woman no matter how hard she tried.. an example is the way she totally blindsided me by moving otu on the FIRST fight (yes, the first argument) 4 months after we got engaged!.. talk about quick to break a marriage promise..
anyway, yes ever since she's been back on the market lately she's been spending so much money on new clothes, a totally new look, getting her hair highlighted... this is so not her.. my sister even pointed it out in her pictures saying she's losing her sense of self respect...its like she has so much insecurity to cover up... when she was with me, she became conservative and family oriented.. her crowd is definately pulling her back in its pathetic in a sense... this is the only reason why I feel like I want to save her..because I know deep down inside she's happy when she wasn't with this crowd but now she just has no choice because my jealousy-anger pushed her away.. this sucks for both of us.. but yeah, if she can't save herself after all this settles, then she's changed for good and its going to be hard for her to come full circle to who she once was when she was with me...
...its like she has so much insecurity to cover up... when she was with me, she became conservative and family oriented.. her crowd is definately pulling her back in its pathetic in a sense... this is the only reason why I feel like I want to save her..because I know deep down inside she's happy when she wasn't with this crowd but now she just has no choice because my jealousy-anger pushed her away.. this sucks for both of us.. but yeah, if she can't save herself after all this settles, then she's changed for good and its going to be hard for her to come full circle to who she once was when she was with me...
She DOES have a choice, and she has made it.
She hasn't changed. She changed to be with you, and now she has gone back to who she really is.
My youngest brother dated someone exactly like this - she wrecked him, too. It took him months to recover. You are not her only hope. It's just what people like her do.
Stay far, far away from her. Do not try to help her. Not that she shouldn't be helped, but YOU are NOT the one to help her. She will only use you more.
wow, you are so on point with the Sex and the City lifestyle.. this girl is so proud to call herself a "girly-girl" and i also think its has alot to do with her upbringing.. her mom left her biological father when she was 3 (to cheating or betrayal issues on the dad's part but im sure she looks at her mom as a strong woman who can just leave any guy).. so she did not really know her real dad.. then the mom married a new guy and now she has 3 younger sisters in which she played the "Super elder Sister" role.... so she definately does not understand men at all in some sense... she even had to buy that book called "why men love *******" because maybe she just didn't know how to communicate or be a real woman no matter how hard she tried.. an example is the way she totally blindsided me by moving otu on the FIRST fight (yes, the first argument) 4 months after we got engaged!.. talk about quick to break a marriage promise..
anyway, yes ever since she's been back on the market lately she's been spending so much money on new clothes, a totally new look, getting her hair highlighted... this is so not her.. my sister even pointed it out in her pictures saying she's losing her sense of self respect...its like she has so much insecurity to cover up... when she was with me, she became conservative and family oriented.. her crowd is definately pulling her back in its pathetic in a sense... this is the only reason why I feel like I want to save her..because I know deep down inside she's happy when she wasn't with this crowd but now she just has no choice because my jealousy-anger pushed her away.. this sucks for both of us.. but yeah, if she can't save herself after all this settles, then she's changed for good and its going to be hard for her to come full circle to who she once was when she was with me...
Actually, I think that the REAL her is her trying to live the Sex and the City lifestyle. And her circle of girlie friends far outweighs the company of you, the ex boyfriend. You are just one person against the pull of all of her friends. You can't isolate her and be the only person she spends her time with. Human beings are naturally social creatures. The girl you first met has grown up and changed into this wilder woman with highlights in her hair. She's not going to go back to her 18 year old self.
Move on. The girl you fell in love with eight and a half years ago doesn't exist any longer. And it's normal for people to become a very different person from who they were at 18 years old. There are plenty of good single women out there to meet and date. Don't be afraid to be single again. You may be a little out of practice for asking a woman out on a first date, but it's really not that difficult or scary.
And btw, your ex will be more likely to want you back if she sees you dating other women. Right now, you're her faithful doormat ex who will always be there for her. Don't be, she doesn't deserve you. More importantly, you both are incompatible for each other. She's looking for a Mr. Big to show off to her friends... and you're not (and this is not meant as a put down to you).
More importantly, you both are incompatible for each other. She's looking for a Mr. Big to show off to her friends... and you're not (and this is not meant as a put down to you).
Actually, I think that the REAL her is her trying to live the Sex and the City lifestyle. And her circle of girlie friends far outweighs the company of you, the ex boyfriend. You are just one person against the pull of all of her friends. You can't isolate her and be the only person she spends her time with. Human beings are naturally social creatures. The girl you first met has grown up and changed into this wilder woman with highlights in her hair. She's not going to go back to her 18 year old self.
Move on. The girl you fell in love with eight and a half years ago doesn't exist any longer. And it's normal for people to become a very different person from who they were at 18 years old. There are plenty of good single women out there to meet and date. Don't be afraid to be single again. You may be a little out of practice for asking a woman out on a first date, but it's really not that difficult or scary.
And btw, your ex will be more likely to want you back if she sees you dating other women. Right now, you're her faithful doormat ex who will always be there for her. Don't be, she doesn't deserve you. More importantly, you both are incompatible for each other. She's looking for a Mr. Big to show off to her friends... and you're not (and this is not meant as a put down to you).
Well, she was never isolated to begin with when she was with me.. she had her sisters, family, cousins, and other friends around and we had quite an awesome social life together.. in fact, we went to europe and hung out with one of the best friends im talking about while she lived out there... our families were already merged and everybody was happy... however, as I mentioned, earlier this year, (she has 2 best friends that she held on to since high school despite the fact that THEY have all grown apart (all of them lived in opposite sides of the world, 1 in NYC, 1 in London) and became different people but for some reason they are the types that would call each other once a month and held on to their friendships throughout the years...I know for a fact that the guys I Thought were my best friends in the past have turned out to be different people so they are no longer my best friends).. i respect they were able to treasure their friendships for that long.. I just always sense some threat to my girl getting easily influenced by her peers (think about it, she was easily influenced by some dude to give it up to him as a goodbye present in the beginning and then she felt that need to stay friends with ex flings.. ).. she's too friendly i guess.. or perhaps insecure and afraid of what others would think..
I don't think she's changed for good.. she just changed right after we broke up.. and people do these things so they can feel better about themselves in a time of confusion and hurt.. Again, I'm trying put myself in her shoes.. My jealousy pushed her away despite her loyalty and faithfulness over the past several years.. she's been absolutely great and trusting with me... I read about "walking on eggshell" relationships and the woman loses her identity... Its only been 2.5 months since we've broken up and its summer time so it just happens that there's been so much going on around her lately and alot of partying to keep her from not having to face the problem.. I can't wait till all this settles and she really feels the lonely nights.. btw, her best friends all still remotely live a plane ride away from her so im waiting for the usual routine life to kick in for so she can finally reflect and realize what she's doing.. her sisters and her family want us back together... not that Im counting on it though... thanks for all the advice you guys... I really appreciate it.. no matter how devastating a broken engagement is to me, I'm trying my best to move forward as fast as I can...
this same thing happened to my sister and her husband (they broke up for 4-5 months while they were engaged and the husband came back, and my sister said she was already dating some new guy so maybe the dating factor made her husband come running back).. also happened to a close guy friend of mine.. his girl wanted to test the waters and she dated some dude and he was free to roam for 6-7 months and now they are married.. also to my cousin who ended up getting engaged a year after their breakup.. i hope this is a "clean out the closet" type of deal..
this seems to be a common trend with long term relationships that start from 18 to late 20s life.. the girl or guy, whoever it is, starts to lose themselves and try to blame it on the relationship (identity crisis) because all they know is one person and they have GIGs (Grass is Greener syndrome) and then soemtimes they come running back once they find out it ain't true and realize their happiness is in the relationship and not alone... again, not that Im counting on it.. and I am doing my best to get back into the dating game.. no rebounds or anything but casual flirting and fun for now..
gosh, i guess im being stubborn by not being able to let go just yet... i just hate knowing that im about to throw away almost a decade or 3rd of my life away and knowing im 6 months away from turning 30... but I guess I'm one of those that believe in 2nd chances... but yes, I will not keep myself hopeful becuase it will only hurt more if fate doesn't deliver... i guess ill give myself a year before i settle with another girl.. they say it takes a 4 months for every year in a relationship to get over somebody.. so that means its going to take me 3 years?!! yikes... life is so evil sometimes.. i just don't understand how someone you love so much, who's stuck around you for so long, can just vanish in an instant... love is crazy..
Guys, I found this on another relationship forum (enotalone.com) and this is exactly what my ex fiance is going thru (on top of the jealousy issues, it was a recipe for disaster waiting to happen)..
[CENTER][SIZE=5]The Grass Is Greener Syndrome[/SIZE] (AKA; itchy feet, quarter life crisis, early-twenty-itus)[/CENTER]
I thought I would put together a thread here to provide some information on and a place to discuss this particular type of break up. I've had relationships end because of it along with a few of my friends. In addition, I've had friends be the ones stricken with this 'syndrome', so I've seen how it plays out from both sides. Hopefully, I can provide a little insight to help those of you going through this type of breakup. The more we understand something, the more comfortable with it we become and the less scary it seems.
In my opinion, outside of infidelity, this is one of the toughest types of breakups to go through. It seemingly comes out of nowhere, seems to have no rhyme or reason behind it, and it can strike even the best of couples. In your 'run of the mill' break up, there's usually an identifiable reason or set of reasons that led to the split, such as personality conflicts, fighting, different life goals, etc. These breakups are also difficult, but I've always found them a bit easier to cope with because you can identify a cause to the effect. Not so with the grass is greener syndrome. It's like going through a root canal even though your teeth are perfectly healthy.
This syndrome usually tends to fall on women within the age range of 20-25 (it happens to men, too, but seems to be less often). It usually happens in a long term relationship (maybe two or more years) when the couple is about to make a much larger commitment to each other, such as an engagement or marriage. It's as if the mixture between the person's young age and the thought of making such a huge commitment almost makes them want to go on the relationship equivalent of the Amish's Rumspringa.
Some of the classic symptoms of this are as follows:
Reasons for the break up are contradicting or sound like the dumper is grasping at straws for reasons. As if they are trying to convince themselves of it, too.
Not much warning that something is going on before the actual break.
An extreme change in lifestyle, such as suddenly starting to drink a lot, party a lot and hang around people they normally wouldn't.
Wishy-washiness on the part of the dumper. They love you, but aren't IN love with you. They say that this doesn't mean you two are over forever and maybe someday down the road you'll be together again. At the same time, they'll tell you to move on.
Quickly entering new relationships with people they aren't very compatible with.
One of the biggest problems with these sorts of breakups is that the dumpee will be more likely to want to stick around in the dumpers life. Due to the dumper's extreme mixed signals and the fact that they'll try harder than usual to keep the dumpee around as a friend, the dumpee will make all sorts of excuses to stay around. They'll say things such as "She's just confused, so we're going to remain friends and see what happens". These sorts of breakups need to be treated like any other kind of breakup. Give the dumper as much space as possible and gracefully bow out of their life.
The thing to keep in mind is that in these sorts of breakups, the dumpers themselves don't have any sort of answers to give. They're usually just as confused about the situation as the dumpee. This often adds more pain to the dumpee because they're just looking for some sort of reason as to why they're being hurt so badly and get completely frustrated when the dumper can't give them one. They think the dumper may be acting cruel or like the dumper is hiding something from them. This is usually not the case. The dumper isn't giving any answers because they don't have them.
Now for the good news. If the dumpee does completely exit the dumpers life and resist the temptation to remain friends, the chance that the opportunity for reconciliation will arise is actually quite good. If the relationship was a good one, the dumper will find out eventually that the grass isn't greener, it's just different grass and may even be a little worse than the pastures they left. However, that doesn't mean that a reconciliation will happen. Due to the hurtfulness of this type of breakup, the dumpee will most often refuse the offer for reconciliation when it eventually comes up (which can be months or over a year down the line). Since the breakup happened out of nowhere and for no real good reason, it can be difficult for most people to get the trust back in the relationship. The fear that they'll suddenly be dumped out of nowhere will hinder the relationship from developing into anything. This is why I said the "opportunity" for reconciliation is a lot higher and not that actual reconciliations are common for these types of breakups.
So, my heart goes out to all of you enduring this particular type of breakup. Just remember, it's not your fault and it's not the dumper's fault, either. It's just due to human nature and unfortunate sets of circumstances. No amount of picking your ex's brain will result in any sort of meaningful answers to the questions that plague you. Just remember that this is a phase and it doesn't last forever. So, as long as your ex is in this phase, all you can do is go about living your own life and making yourself a better person.
So, as long as your ex is in this phase, all you can do is go about living your own life and making yourself a better person.
So just work on making yourself the best person you can be, and making yourself happy. Don't count on her coming back to you, but leave the door open if you must.
Otherwise, go watch the movie The Tao of Steve and follow his rules.
1. Put your desire out of your mind, because that makes you seem needy and desperate.
2. Don't chase what you desire, because people tend to pursue that which retreats from them.
3. Show your excellence in her presence, which shows your worthiness as a suitor.
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