Being taken for granted..i think the old love flame is dead (dating, wife)

[yungeddy]

hello Guys. I am hoping to get some GREAT responses to help me out.

I have been in a relationship for the last 4 and a half years. And my GIRLFRIEND used to be okay about everything before these last 3 years. She used put in extra effort into dressing up whenever we met. She would call me none stop, i would would do the same and we would both send each other long text messages. Now i send her a long poem / text message and all i would get back would be something "i love you" and maybe" YOU ARE SO SPECIAL TO ME TOO" at the end ".. she never turns up on time when we are going out and sometimes questions why i am wearing what i wear to meet her. she never had a problem with my dresscode when she was calling me none stop 4 years ago...and the worst part of all this is i tell her how much i love her and go ALL SOFT for her only to find out she has been sleeping on the phone the whole time. then when she wakes up the next day. she pretends that nothing ever happened and gets into an argument if i even mention it. She sleeps almost once a week..i would tell her how stupid i feel whenever she does that. she will apologise sometimes and the same problem will happen again 3 days down the line. ...... and i am talking about a this being continous for the last 2 years..... falls asleep , falls asleep falls asleep. ......

i feel like she's just being insentitive to my feelings. and ignores the fact that i feel stupid & booring whenever she falls asleep. I feel like she's taken me for grannted....any advice on what to do.. I love her and don't get it twisted she is a nice girl if she wants to be..

[yankeegirl313]

Play hard to get! I know it sounds sort of "out there" but do it!
It will get her attention Although, its nice to hear the mushy, lovey stuff..sometimes you have to turn the page. Catch her off guard somehow.
Maybe tell her that you want to take her somewhere special.
Sometimes, you just have to mix it up a little, try diffrent things, new approaches.
Do something totally diffrent.

[miu]

I agree with the above advice. Stop smothering her with all those calls and texts about how much you love her. How long are these phone calls anyway? And how many ways can you tell her without repeating what you've said before? Back off from the love talk and instead plan on one good creative date a week. Otherwise, what you are doing is boring her to sleep. After four years of being together, I sure as heck wouldn't want my boyfriend calling me up at night and rambling on and on about how much he loves me. That would put me to sleep too.

And btw, if she's falling asleep on you and you can't tell she's getting sleepy, it seems to me that you aren't actually having a good conversation with her. Stop hogging the call and let her talk while you listen to what she has to say. And when there is nothing more to say, it's just time to hang up the phone.

How old are the two of you? Are you two in school? Or what is it you both do for work? Any plans on marrying her?

[yungeddy]

Thanks Miu. and as much as your comments come as a shock. most of it is right ?
I am 21 and she is 22. She will be finishing college soon. and i am only in my second year.
We do talk about marraige once in a while and we only meet once a week becuase we both work alot.

But the issue is that. She brings up a topic and the min we start talking about anything seriuos . she falls asleep.. like every three days..there was once that she slept 5 mins after SHE called me. and this happens alot

Worst part of it is she pretends nothing happened the next day and gets angry when you tell her how you feel....

[miu]

Originally Posted by yungeddy

Thanks Miu. and as much as your comments come as a shock. most of it is right ?
I am 21 and she is 22. She will be finishing college soon. and i am only in my second year.
We do talk about marraige once in a while and we only meet once a week becuase we both work alot.

But the issue is that. She brings up a topic and the min we start talking about anything seriuos . she falls asleep.. like every three days..there was once that she slept 5 mins after SHE called me. and this happens alot

Worst part of it is she pretends nothing happened the next day and gets angry when you tell her how you feel....

Define what a "serious" topic of conversation is. Talking about marriage? Talking about college and schoolwork?

1. How often are you talking to her? Every night?
2. How long are these phone call?

I feel very strongly that after 4-1/2 years of dating, even if you are only seeing each other once a week, talking every evening for a long session is not necessary. And telling her how much you love her is also unnecessary as there is so much more to a long term love relationship than talking about how much you are crushing on her. In the beginning, that was fine, but now that you are an established couple, I would also treat as you would your best friend and focus on planning and doing activities that are less "mushy", but that you both still enjoy. Like whatever she likes to do with her girlfriends, do some of that with her. And love talk is serious talk, so lighten up and instead be more light hearted and try to make her laugh.

And if she is falling asleep during the serious parts of your phone conversation, you should be a gentleman as you notice it and just tell her that you know that she's had a long day at school, and tell her to get a good night's sleep and just say goodnight to her. And definitely don't bring up in the next conversations that she's falling asleep on you. Her getting sleepy is her being tired, the conversation being long and unstimulating. Don't fight with her about stuff like this, but just let it go and let her get some sleep.

And if you are talking with her in length every night, you are not giving her a chance to miss you. It's one thing to call her up or text her to wish her a quick goodnight, but another thing to have a long conversation about how much you love her romantically and then going over everything you both did during the day. And when you do that, you have nothing new or interesting to tell her on your weekly face to face dates.

After 4-1/2 years of your relationship being like this, probably you've become a little boring to her because she knows you too well. And she knows you too well because of these long phone conversations. There is no longer any mystery or excitement about you. She knows that you will call her every night and talk to her until she falls asleep. She knows that like clockwork, she will have a weekly date with you. So you need to get a little unpredictable on her. Think about signing up for a new activity or hobby at school. Make some new school friends, even female ones. Maybe get a new style for your hair but if she comments on it, shrug it off as no big deal. Maybe say that your new hair style was a suggestion of the female person cutting your hair. But don't ask your girlfriend to comment on your new do. And something like that hints that another woman has shown interest in you. Now you DON'T want to make her jealous by you actively flirting with other women, but see if you can change your style and attitude a little so that other women want to flirt with you. It's fine for you to only have eyes for your girlfriend, but she needs to feel that you are a good catch and that other girls would like to date you.

And if you like to write long long poems to her, why not join a poetry or writing club?You can share with your fellow poets some of your love poems and get some positive feedback from them. Also, start writing poems that are less mushy. If you have a talent for writing, then do more of it and share your work with others.

And again about your "dresscode", you say that in the beginning, she put more effort into dressing up for you, and now she doesn't, but she now has a problem with the way you dress. Is that because you have always been a casual dresser? Three things, maybe because you dress so casually, she thinks that her dressing up is too dressed up when she is out with you on a date. Secondly, why should she get all dressed up when you have already fallen in love with her? Dressing up is for catching a man, and you are all caught, hook line and sinker. She knows that you are not going to break up with her over not being dressed up on your dates. Or maybe where you are taking her on your current dates, there is no need for her to get all dressed up. Lastly, dressing up costs money. Makeup costs money, nice new clothes cost money. You are both students. Neither of you works full time. School is expensive.

The compromise could be that some dates are casual and cheap (because you are students). Then once a month, the two of you plan a date where you do something special and you BOTH get dressed up for it. Sometimes art museums and art galleries have special events or openings for new exhibits. Those can be good inexpensive and fun dress up ocassions. And again, you getting dressed up makes you look good and worthy of being shown off to her girlfriends.

Again, never remind her about how she falls asleep during your phone conversations. It makes her mad and upset, so why on earth would you keep doing that? And it makes you sound like a nag. Just let that stuff go and let her get her beauty sleep.

[yungeddy]

Thanx Mui- you have really great points and sound like a generously wonderful person with this experience.
when i say serious topics we talk about that she is generally concerned about- Marraige, work, friends, her family, my family....and she falls asleep..its like 30-40 times now and i have told her i dont mind..but after telling her that i feel just because i dont mind it does happen again. and i feel so stupid because i will be answering a question she's asked and then BAM!!!! she's gone..and i wouldnt know till i finish talking. i dont even call her back. i really just allow her to continue sleeping.
I have confronted her in the past. But there are a whole lot of things i do for her.

On birthdays i get her really expensive stuf and as you said ( i am a student)..on my birthday i get something like a pair of boxer shorts from her and her sisters. and she always goes out on the day of the birthday to go shop for my present with her sisters and they always get me one item from the two of them....valentines day- i send her massive flowers and send her sister massive flowers as well. i get nothing. not even a card. she comes back to tell me i dont really need one as i am a guy....i take that like a man....

I get her the best concert tickets to see her fav bands, musicians, shows...i never let her pay for anything. any .thing i mean.
i buy her clothes, shoes, bags when i have the money. AND SHE FORCED ME INTO GETTING THIS PHONE ON CONTRACT JUST SO WE CAN TALK MORE... i only started talking to her more and more becuase she complained i always spent time with my friends and sports at college.

About talking and flirting with other girls- she is soo protective. i cannot even be seen hugging another female ( i am seriously not making this up). she gets cross about other girls saying just hello how r u doing on my social networking sites..but i live with that because she would hardly hug other guys or do the same. I am young i know that. But i dont want to just jump up in her face and tell her all these in one go....so i do address them once in a while over a lovely meal . and she would tell me things like..(i get very confused, its all the work from college and family and a big ,long story) but then she does the same things again & again.


Thank you so much for the heads up and you are cutually right about a lot of the things you mentioned. i feel she threats me like a minor as well because she is older


...last but not the least..she goes angry when i dont call as well....

[corgis]

Let the poor girl get her sleep - you are not doing anyone any good if you continue to be upset because she is so tired she falls asleep during your marathon phone calls every evening. Don't assume what she means or doesn't mean by falling asleep - give her and yourself a break and stop those nightly long phone calls. Get going with your studies and both of you get through college before demanding more emotional promises from each other. School is more important than phone calls and sleep is more important than phone calls. You need to start thinking logically.

[miu]

I'm a woman, and I really don't like that you've spoiled her so much with the expensive presents, flowers and everything else. That's one high maintenance girlfriend you've got there!!! It's one thing to court a woman in the beginning by picking up the tabs and giving her flowers and expensive gifts, but after a year, I think that the guy should be able to tone down on the presents and the girlfriend should also chip into the cost of the dates. Especially since you are only a student. Plus all that money could be sitting in a savings account to use for a more productive cause. Of course, if I saw my boyfriend throwing money away on toys for himself, I might get peeved that he's not buying me presents. lol.

How do you afford to pay for all these presents and flowers on a student budget?

I don't know if you can fix your relationship, as I don't think that your girlfriend is going to change who she is. I'd suggest spending a lot less on presents and flowers for her, and going on less expensive dates. And use the excuse that you want to start saving up money for an engagement ring and various wedding expenses. Then see if she sticks around. Of course, don't buy her an engagement ring until all of your concerns about her are resolved. Marriage is really really serious stuff. And also, I feel that the two of you are too young to actually exchange marriage vows and start living together as man and wife. I'd say, don't even get engaged until you are at least 25 years old and still ecstatically happy with the woman you are with after at least 3 years of dating.

I do think that she really liked/crushed/loved you in the beginning. But some of that feeling was influenced by all that great attention you showered on her... like those expensive presents and flowers. And it's part of why she sticks around is she's still loving getting that sort of attention from you. She's not going to try to replace you until she finds a guy that can spend even more money on her.

I think that it's terrible that she only gives you presents like a pair of boxer shorts for your birthday. That shows me that she doesn't really care about you. And her desire to have you call her daily is being able to show her college roommate and friends that she has you wrapped around her little finger. This is NOT the sort of woman that you want to marry and spend the rest of your life with!!!!!

[bxlefty23]

Originally Posted by yungeddy

Thanx Mui- you have really great points and sound like a generously wonderful person with this experience.
when i say serious topics we talk about that she is generally concerned about- Marraige, work, friends, her family, my family....and she falls asleep..its like 30-40 times now and i have told her i dont mind..but after telling her that i feel just because i dont mind it does happen again. and i feel so stupid because i will be answering a question she's asked and then BAM!!!! she's gone..and i wouldnt know till i finish talking. i dont even call her back. i really just allow her to continue sleeping.
I have confronted her in the past. But there are a whole lot of things i do for her.

On birthdays i get her really expensive stuf and as you said ( i am a student)..on my birthday i get something like a pair of boxer shorts from her and her sisters. and she always goes out on the day of the birthday to go shop for my present with her sisters and they always get me one item from the two of them....valentines day- i send her massive flowers and send her sister massive flowers as well. i get nothing. not even a card. she comes back to tell me i dont really need one as i am a guy....i take that like a man....

I get her the best concert tickets to see her fav bands, musicians, shows...i never let her pay for anything. any .thing i mean.
i buy her clothes, shoes, bags when i have the money. AND SHE FORCED ME INTO GETTING THIS PHONE ON CONTRACT JUST SO WE CAN TALK MORE... i only started talking to her more and more becuase she complained i always spent time with my friends and sports at college.

About talking and flirting with other girls- she is soo protective. i cannot even be seen hugging another female ( i am seriously not making this up). she gets cross about other girls saying just hello how r u doing on my social networking sites..but i live with that because she would hardly hug other guys or do the same. I am young i know that. But i dont want to just jump up in her face and tell her all these in one go....so i do address them once in a while over a lovely meal . and she would tell me things like..(i get very confused, its all the work from college and family and a big ,long story) but then she does the same things again & again.


Thank you so much for the heads up and you are cutually right about a lot of the things you mentioned. i feel she threats me like a minor as well because she is older


...last but not the least..she goes angry when i dont call as well....

so basically when you were doing other things like sports she actualy made an effort and now she has her hooks into you so she doesnt care anymore
if you actually want her then go back to doing other things that you want to do

although she sounds a one sided ***** so i would cut her lose

[Twinkle Toes]

Originally Posted by yungeddy

hello Guys. I am hoping to get some GREAT responses to help me out.

I have been in a relationship for the last 4 and a half years. And my GIRLFRIEND used to be okay about everything before these last 3 years. She used put in extra effort into dressing up whenever we met. She would call me none stop, i would would do the same and we would both send each other long text messages. Now i send her a long poem / text message and all i would get back would be something "i love you" and maybe" YOU ARE SO SPECIAL TO ME TOO" at the end ".. she never turns up on time when we are going out and sometimes questions why i am wearing what i wear to meet her. she never had a problem with my dresscode when she was calling me none stop 4 years ago...and the worst part of all this is i tell her how much i love her and go ALL SOFT for her only to find out she has been sleeping on the phone the whole time. then when she wakes up the next day. she pretends that nothing ever happened and gets into an argument if i even mention it. She sleeps almost once a week..i would tell her how stupid i feel whenever she does that. she will apologise sometimes and the same problem will happen again 3 days down the line. ...... and i am talking about a this being continous for the last 2 years..... falls asleep , falls asleep falls asleep. ......

i feel like she's just being insentitive to my feelings. and ignores the fact that i feel stupid & booring whenever she falls asleep. I feel like she's taken me for grannted....any advice on what to do.. I love her and don't get it twisted she is a nice girl if she wants to be..

I have a FABULOUS idea!!!!! She likes to sleep. Texas User likes to sleep. These two sound like a match made in heaven. Do you want me to help you hook these two up? I do believe the pair of them are soulmates!!!