Not in love, but may be facing last chance for a family (marriages, woman)

[big daryle]

Originally Posted by lakefront

How old is she?


I don't know what you should do, but I want to acknowledge that your age is a legitimate concern if you want biological children - 40 is already in the risk zone for paternal age effect.

I thought it didnt matter how old the man was?????????

[Raena77]

Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd

Oooooooh! I detect something there. Something. We're not all bad--any more than all non-Christians are.

No but they do believe in no sex till married...which is not totally a bad thing its just if you wait and you both suck what then. At least true christians.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Northman

I'm a 40 year old, single guy with a solid career. I've never even been close to marrying, although I have always wanted a wife and children more than anything.

I am the last remaining single adult in my family tree. I have been holding out for the one great love of my life, but I do not date well, and at my age I'm very worried about being alone for the rest of my life.

I have been dating one woman in particular on & off for about a year now. The relationship has not really progressed that much, as I must be honest and say that I have not developed any feelings for her over the handful of dates we've had. We get along fine, but just don't seem to have much in common. There has been no attempt at anything physical at this point from either side.

That said, the rest of the situation is overwhemingly inviting in correlation with the potential for finally having a family of my own. Her family are good, Christian people. They have welcomed me with open arms, and made it known in no uncertain terms that they want me around. I love being with them, too.....I'm just not sure if I should pursue things because I have yet to feel anything towards the woman in question. I know without a doubt that she's been waiting for me to take things to the next level.

Has anyone else walked in these particular shoes? I'm worried that if I haven't developed any feelings for her over an entire year that I never will. On the other hand, we've never even kissed, and haven't seen nearly as much of eachother as most people who've been dating for a years time. I'm going to keep seeing her, but am just wondering if anyone out there's been through something similar, and how it turned out. I fear I may never be presented with such a potential opportunity to have a family again at my age.

Just my 2 cents - I would never marry someone I wasn't wild crazy in love with. Marriage is just too hard, with too much work involved, to not have the love connection as payoff. And parenting?? Even harder work - best done with someone you have A LOT of love and respect for.

I understand you are afraid to miss an opportunity -but did you ever consider maybe having a wife and kids is just not in the cards for you? Not everyone is called to that kind of life. Being single might be what gives you the freedom and disposable income to do other big things instead.

I know there are marriages of convenience that do succeed and are probably very "comfortable", but without the passion and dedication of true love they are not what I would ever want to be a part of.

And think about this - suppose you force this square peg into a round hole, marry this friend, and THEN the woman of your dreams shows up. Do you realize the EXTREME heartache and angst that would cause you? It would be a living hell. Just trying to make sure you've thought this thing through.

[Whyte Byrd]

Originally Posted by Raena77

No but they do believe in no sex till married...which is not totally a bad thing its just if you wait and you both suck what then. At least true christians.

I can't count how many complaints I've heard in the sex department from married couples who did sleep together before marrying. "Before we married she was really into me, now she doesn't like me touching her", "He used to be all over me before we married, now he's always too tired"..... Maybe it's just like they say, marriage is the #1 cause of divorce.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

And think about this - suppose you force this square peg into a round hole, marry this friend, and THEN the woman of your dreams shows up. Do you realize the EXTREME heartache and angst that would cause you? It would be a living hell. Just trying to make sure you've thought this thing through.

He already established the fact that the women of his dreams are not the women he'd marry. Same deal for both genders... However we twist it, the people we really want are not the marriage material we want.

[Raena77]

Originally Posted by Northman

I'm 40. She's 32.

Niether of us have ever been married. No kids on either side.

She's already told me she doesn't condone sex outside of marriage. I freely admit to having lost my virginity at 18. Each knows about the other regarding this, and it hasn't resurfaced since that initial discussion.

Yes, we are both Christians. She is much more involved in church and associated activities than I am, however. My reluctance to participate in worship recently has been due in large part to my single status. I do not feel comfortable being the only single person my age in the midst of a churchful of couples. Not saying that validates anything, just being honest.

Someone mentioned "butterflies" This is a major reason I feel compelled to at least dig a little deeper in correlation with the topic at hand. Every.....EVERY woman I have ever pursued because I had "butterflies" over her turned out to be a complete and utter waste of my time. Although this particular relationship has yet to develop, it seems that it somehow keeps getting put in my path, and this intrigues me to some extent.

I like hearing all these perspectives. I think talking with people you don't actually know can be occasionally beneficial.

Tell her eggs aren't getting any older.....lol j/k I think maybe you need to pull some romantic stunts get the chemistry going! Then if still nothing maybe you may rethink the lady....and go for someone more out going! ---I'm 31...have a kid already ...hence had sex...and was catholic sooo I know religion....lmao im kidding. But serious talk to her!

[Raena77]

Originally Posted by big daryle

I thought it didnt matter how old the man was?????????

The man usually not unless he has low sperm count....but yes you do become with age less fertial.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

He already established the fact that the women of his dreams are not the women he'd marry. Same deal for both genders... However we twist it, the people we really want are not the marriage material we want.

Sierra, I love ya, but you are wrong on this one dear. The man I really wanted is the one I am married to and he makes GREAT marriage material.

I understand you've been burned and had a different experience than me, but it's just not fair to say the ones we want are never "marriage material" when it actually happens a lot.

[Aylalou]

Originally Posted by Northman

I'm not even close to committing to her in any way. I guess I'm trying to decide if I should try and take things to the next level. I haven't dug deep enough, so to speak, to really know what makes her tick. Is it possible to really know a potential lovers true personality before any intimacy has occured? She's not exactly outgoing, and I've been hesitant because of my past failures.

I can't just drop it....not yet at least. I'm 40 years old and do not look like George Clooney, so they're not exactly lining up outside my door. I feel like my window for having a family is closing fast, and that I should exercise some patience in case there is a chance this becomes something.

Why not try to find out what makes her tick, first off? Then see how it goes. Spend time getting to know her, BUT if there is no chemistry,then I say no marriage, no family. It would not benefit the kids at all, and eventually you might want out. That would be disastrous all around.

It's definitely possible to know a lover's true personality before any intimacy has occurred because many who started out as friends got to know each other very well and then it led to more.

It's a bad idea to marry just because you think it's time and have had previous experiences that went awry.

[nuala]

I think either way is possible, depending on the inclinations of a particular person.

Some like stability and can live without the drama. There have been several threads here lately - about pluses of an arranged marriage, about how unreliable the "butterflies" are for the solid marriage... Some long-lasting coupes do become friends or partners in the long run.

On the other side of the equation, we still have hearts that need excitement.

My hubby story was similar - was swept off his feet in his early 20s, a tragedy ended that, and no woman ever evoked the same feeling. There was a lady, a family friend who he had no romantic feelings for whatsoever, but many years of being "dates" for social events. By 35 or so, they decided to get hitched because "it was their chance for a family." My hubby almost threw up at the altar. Several years of progressive distancing and finally got divorced. My hubby is not a ladies man so he settled into bachelorhood, tinkering with his work and his hobbies. They didn't have kids because she didn't want.

He met me when he was 55. I didn't clue in as fast but eventually started noticing the stars in his eyes. He was crazy with his feelings. We have kids, he's an older father, the kids are healthy.

So who knows. Not everyone would hold off till 50 or 55 or 60 or whatever. There is no right or wrong answer.