Not in love, but may be facing last chance for a family (surrogate, date)

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

Sierra, I love ya, but you are wrong on this one dear. The man I really wanted is the one I am married to and he makes GREAT marriage material.

I understand you've been burned and had a different experience than me, but it's just not fair to say the ones we want are never "marriage material" when it actually happens a lot.

It's just that we all need to learn to "want" what some of you "have wanted" or pretend to "have wanted" (which is more often the case; guess denial can work even for a lifetime), but it's hard... Frankly, I don't see it happening a lot... never mind my own experience. Usually the settling-type marriages work.

Anyway, the OP needs different perspectives.

[Whyte Byrd]

Here's a thought. Unless you go into a marriage with this woman with the mutual agreement of settling for one another, think about how you would feel if you found someone had settled for you. I was only 19 when I settled so I didn't think of anything like that.

[Raena77]

Originally Posted by Whyte Byrd

I can't count how many complaints I've heard in the sex department from married couples who did sleep together before marrying. "Before we married she was really into me, now she doesn't like me touching her", "He used to be all over me before we married, now he's always too tired"..... Maybe it's just like they say, marriage is the #1 cause of divorce.

I've never been married but I already see it with my bro....I caught him mistakenly call his wife a B*tch......we were talking about his mother in law and i said i know shes a *****...then he said yeah Beth can be...And I was refering to the mother in law. I started laughing cause within a year ..hes calling her that.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

It's just that we all need to learn to "want" what some of you "have wanted" or pretend to "have wanted" (which is more often the case; guess denial can work even for a lifetime), but it's hard... Frankly, I don't see it happening a lot... never mind my own experience. Usually the settling-type marriages work.

Anyway, the OP needs different perspectives.

What? PRETENDED to have wanted? I can assure you, there is nothing pretend about the way I feel about my husband - he is THE man for me, bar none. You need to maybe broaden your social circle - I know PLENTY of happily married people - it really does happen.

I have already said a marriage of convenience or of "settling" can work - but just having something "work" would never be good enough for me - I need the joy, pleasure, passion, to make all the "work" worthwhile.

[sierraAZ]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

What? PRETENDED to have wanted? I can assure you, there is nothing pretend about the way I feel about my husband - he is THE man for me, bar none. You need to maybe broaden your social circle - I know PLENTY of happily married people - it really does happen.

I believe I worded my post carefully enough to exclude present company.

[Raena77]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

What? PRETENDED to have wanted? I can assure you, there is nothing pretend about the way I feel about my husband - he is THE man for me, bar none. You need to maybe broaden your social circle - I know PLENTY of happily married people - it really does happen.

I have already said a marriage of convenience or of "settling" can work - but just having something "work" would never be good enough for me - I need the joy, pleasure, passion, to make all the "work" worthwhile.

i think you need love...then comes the rest... but im a hopeless romantic.

[Whyte Byrd]

Originally Posted by lovesMountains

What? PRETENDED to have wanted? I can assure you, there is nothing pretend about the way I feel about my husband - he is THE man for me, bar none. You need to maybe broaden your social circle - I know PLENTY of happily married people - it really does happen.

I have already said a marriage of convenience or of "settling" can work - but just having something "work" would never be good enough for me - I need the joy, pleasure, passion, to make all the "work" worthwhile.

That's what I was thinking b'c history is full of marriages that were prearranged by the parents. But we've come a long way since then. It doesn't need to happen. Truthfully, I'd rather stay single forever than settle ever again b'c I know the damage is can cause.

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by sierraAZ

I believe I worded my post carefully enough to exclude present company.

After rereading it you did - I take back my indignation

[NotARedneck]

By all means, if you don't have any feelings for her, move on. This has nothing to do with settling, just common sense.

I see nothing in your post that indicates that you have set a list of high standards that are getting in the way of you finding someone. That is where settling comes in.

What I see instead is that you have allowed someone to use up your time. A lot of guys do this for reasons such as not wanting to let her down, but you are doing her no favor either.

If she is playing games to keep things going, like always being in the middle of some sort of crisis, this will require that you get up the nerve to call it quits, despite this. Few people are really in a constant crisis and if they are, you hardly want to marry them!

[orangeapple]

Originally Posted by NotARedneck

If she is playing games to keep things going, like always being in the middle of some sort of crisis, this will require that you get up the nerve to call it quits, despite this. Few people are really in a constant crisis and if they are, you hardly want to marry them!

Sounds like you're reading into things