Not in love, but may be facing last chance for a family (women, single)

[nuala]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

DON'T DO IT. Marriage is hard enough without bringing such low expectations into it.

But marriage becomes hard when there are high expectations for it that go un-fullfilled.

[Redisca]

Originally Posted by nuala

But marriage becomes hard when there are high expectations for it that go un-fullfilled.

Having low expectations and goals in life isn't the best way to meet its challenges. If all people did that, we'd still be swinging from trees.

[sanrene]

I don't find this odd at all. In fact, they already have something in common here. Both have a strong enough belief system not to have sex.

How about kissing? I take it he hasn't kissed her yet?

[nuala]

Originally Posted by Redisca

Under all circumstances, marital satisfaction only decreases with time --it never increases.

Agree.

Originally Posted by Redisca

because, obviously, the higher up on the satisfaction scale you start your marriage, the higher you will end up when it reaches its lowest point; the lower on the satisfaction scale you start, the more likely you are to hit absolute rock-bottom.

Disagree with the straight-line assumption here.

You can start at the highest of the highest, and the drop from that point (absolutely or relatively low) will feel MORE painful than falling from a lower expectation point.

A relationship started with lower expectations, already assumes and accepts a token of dissatisfaction from the start. If people agree on life with no roses, how much losing those roses that were not there to start with, will hurt?

(Note, I'm not advocating settling or arranged marriage - read my above post about my DH. Merely saying, to each its own.)

[20yrsinBranson]

Originally Posted by Northman

I'm a 40 year old, single guy with a solid career. I've never even been close to marrying, although I have always wanted a wife and children more than anything.

I am the last remaining single adult in my family tree. I have been holding out for the one great love of my life, but I do not date well, and at my age I'm very worried about being alone for the rest of my life.

I have been dating one woman in particular on & off for about a year now. The relationship has not really progressed that much, as I must be honest and say that I have not developed any feelings for her over the handful of dates we've had. We get along fine, but just don't seem to have much in common. There has been no attempt at anything physical at this point from either side.

That said, the rest of the situation is overwhemingly inviting in correlation with the potential for finally having a family of my own. Her family are good, Christian people. They have welcomed me with open arms, and made it known in no uncertain terms that they want me around. I love being with them, too.....I'm just not sure if I should pursue things because I have yet to feel anything towards the woman in question. I know without a doubt that she's been waiting for me to take things to the next level.

Has anyone else walked in these particular shoes? I'm worried that if I haven't developed any feelings for her over an entire year that I never will. On the other hand, we've never even kissed, and haven't seen nearly as much of eachother as most people who've been dating for a years time. I'm going to keep seeing her, but am just wondering if anyone out there's been through something similar, and how it turned out. I fear I may never be presented with such a potential opportunity to have a family again at my age.

Marriages have been put together with less.

Love and passion is not a requirement for a marriage. On the contrary, a sense of respect, honor, and affection would probably make for a better union than all the flurry of sexual passion and lust that *most* people mistake for love.

If you (and the lady in question) go into this with both eyes open and a keen sense of honesty from both parties; *and* if both parties agree to the arrangement, I see no reason not to proceed. You might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

That having been said, however, I would certainly review my reasons for being so adamant about having a family. Make certain that your motivations are not selfish. Having kids is a lifetime commitment and is fraught with joys AND HEARTACHE. Make certain you (and your intended) are completely ready to cross THAT bridge, long before you come to it.

20yrsinBranson

[WheredoIlive?]

Originally Posted by Northman

I'm a 40 year old, single guy with a solid career. I've never even been close to marrying, although I have always wanted a wife and children more than anything.

I am the last remaining single adult in my family tree. I have been holding out for the one great love of my life, but I do not date well, and at my age I'm very worried about being alone for the rest of my life.

I have been dating one woman in particular on & off for about a year now. The relationship has not really progressed that much, as I must be honest and say that I have not developed any feelings for her over the handful of dates we've had. We get along fine, but just don't seem to have much in common. There has been no attempt at anything physical at this point from either side.

That said, the rest of the situation is overwhemingly inviting in correlation with the potential for finally having a family of my own. Her family are good, Christian people. They have welcomed me with open arms, and made it known in no uncertain terms that they want me around. I love being with them, too.....I'm just not sure if I should pursue things because I have yet to feel anything towards the woman in question. I know without a doubt that she's been waiting for me to take things to the next level.

Has anyone else walked in these particular shoes? I'm worried that if I haven't developed any feelings for her over an entire year that I never will. On the other hand, we've never even kissed, and haven't seen nearly as much of eachother as most people who've been dating for a years time. I'm going to keep seeing her, but am just wondering if anyone out there's been through something similar, and how it turned out. I fear I may never be presented with such a potential opportunity to have a family again at my age.

I am conflicted by this.

I want to tell you on one hand, maybe if it would work, because her family sounds great and if you are both going into it with both eyes open, then it could work out but on other hand, knowing marriage is so hard, that if you are basically only friendly roommates that have sex with each other to have children it is bound for failure.

I believe many people marry for companionship, to have children, financial security. Love can play second fiddle.

One thing, I am disturbed about...is I am guessing she would be kept in the dark about your lack of romantic love here....What if she was to find out? Let's say 10 years down the road, she figures out you married her for children and family and really felt nothing for her. Do you feel at least affection, friendship? What emotional attachment is there?

You know not everyone is meant to be married or to have children. {I am married but never could have children}

Marrying out of "love" [passion] can go bad. Even if the fires burn hot, they eventually burn out and illness and old age, can all basically turn that meaningless, especially if the other partner has not matured or is in much different place. Sometimes a person can be the love of your life for years, and then life throws you a curve ball, or they change in a way that is astounding and that you never would imagine.

That can be a source of its own problems.....{I agree respect, honor and affection can go a long way}

But overall marriage is hard, if you do not have some emotional attachment, even of a deep friendship, it will never make it. Think about this, what if she gets disabled and can't work? What if you face other hardships? Without at least some foundation it will falter. Oh make sure she has no personality disorders or other surprises waiting for you. If you don't love her, do you really know her? Make sure you aren't marrying a stranger. [course that can happen to those who have the passion burning]

Do you at least share the same goals, so when the two of you are pulling the sled, it would be in same direction? Both of you Christian? Both of you share same values and vision for your life?

[Redisca]

Originally Posted by nuala

You can start at the highest of the highest, and the drop from that point (absolutely or relatively low) will feel MORE painful than falling from a lower expectation point.

Which only goes to show that people who take on a lifetime of misery merely have given up.

Originally Posted by nuala

A relationship started with lower expectations, already assumes and accepts a token of dissatisfaction from the start. If people agree on life with no roses, how much losing those roses that were not there to start with, will hurt?

I am in favor of having realistic expectations of everything in life. "Realistic" doesn't automatically mean "low", though people often use the word in that sense. In fact, low expectation can be downright unrealistic, and may act as the catalyst for failure (and failure itself becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy). Moreover, realism entails a sober cost-benefit analysis. If a person is to expect that marriage is to be hard and joyless, then the seminal question he needs to ask is "Why do it at all?" What are the benefits? I'm sorry, but merely having your expectation of an unsatisfying relationship validated doesn't sound like much of a benefit to me. If you can't expect happiness, comfort and solace out of a marriage, then there is simply no point. My opinion is that you get married to improve your situation -- that is, to make yourself happier -- and if you can't realistically expect or aspire to that, then it's better to remain single. That's all I'm saying.

[Aylalou]

In defense of the idea that marriage is hard work: I believe this is a response to people who are not willing to compromise and negotiate for a variety of reasons (immaturity, control issues, selfishness) and who are quick to divorce in situations that could be resolved with the willingness of the two people involved. You have to have some sort of grit, tolerance, forebearance along with playfulness, excitement and fun. I don't believe anyone thinks marriage won't be fun; in fact, that is exactly why they're so quick to leave - when it's not constantly "fun." I don't think this holds true just for Americans, by the way. Some other cultures resolve this "no longer fun" attitude with a little "fun" on the side.

I don't believe that marital satisfaction always decreases with time. I've seen old people who are very happy together, and I'm sure they've survived some painful marital times and are now grateful to have reached the other side when the pressures are off and they can finally appreciate the fact that they stuck it out and maintained a history together, are grateful to still have each other, especially when they see others who haven't been able to succeed in that way. (Sorry for the run-on sentence).

[lovesMountains]

Originally Posted by Aylalou

In defense of the idea that marriage is hard work: I believe this is a response to people who are not willing to compromise and negotiate for a variety of reasons (immaturity, control issues, selfishness) and who are quick to divorce in situations that could be resolved with the willingness of the two people involved. You have to have some sort of grit, tolerance, forebearance along with playfulness, excitement and fun. I don't believe anyone thinks marriage won't be fun; in fact, that is exactly why they're so quick to leave - when it's not constantly "fun." I don't think this holds true just for Americans, by the way. Some other cultures resolve this "no longer fun" attitude with a little "fun" on the side.

I don't believe that marital satisfaction always decreases with time. I've seen old people who are very happy together, and I'm sure they've survived some painful marital times and are now grateful to have reached the other side when the pressures are off and they can finally appreciate the fact that they stuck it out and maintained a history together, are grateful to still have each other, especially when they see others who haven't been able to succeed in that way. (Sorry for the run-on sentence).

I completely agree with you!

Redisca said "Under all circumstances, marital satisfaction only decreases with time --it never increases." and that is just plain wrong. I know many situations like the one you described above

[Tia 914]

Originally Posted by Aylalou

In defense of the idea that marriage is hard work: I believe this is a response to people who are not willing to compromise and negotiate for a variety of reasons (immaturity, control issues, selfishness) and who are quick to divorce in situations that could be resolved with the willingness of the two people involved. You have to have some sort of grit, tolerance, forebearance along with playfulness, excitement and fun. I don't believe anyone thinks marriage won't be fun; in fact, that is exactly why they're so quick to leave - when it's not constantly "fun." I don't think this holds true just for Americans, by the way. Some other cultures resolve this "no longer fun" attitude with a little "fun" on the side.

I don't believe that marital satisfaction always decreases with time. I've seen old people who are very happy together, and I'm sure they've survived some painful marital times and are now grateful to have reached the other side when the pressures are off and they can finally appreciate the fact that they stuck it out and maintained a history together, are grateful to still have each other, especially when they see others who haven't been able to succeed in that way. (Sorry for the run-on sentence).