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Wow. These are what you consider red flags? Sounds like you generalize about people pretty easily. I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt when I meet them. Let's examine all the points you made.
1. I've met plenty of women who prefer guy friends and don't have female friends because they find them to be catty. Having seen the way some women talk trash about each other behind each other's backs, I can see why a woman might not want female friends.
2. Everyone has scars of some kind. Did it ever occur to you that some people have fully healed? Not everyone who's been abused is damaged beyond repair.
3. Guys who were always dumped. Does this automatically mean there was something wrong with the guy? No. It could mean the guy has been dating the wrong kind of girl. The same is true of the guy who always dumps the girl. Maybe by the time he's met you, he's figured out what he's been doing wrong.
4. Many guys spend their 20s focused on their careers and don't have time for serious relationships. Maybe they're a doctor who's been in residency and fellowships for 10 years. Maybe they've been working as a consultant and do a lot of traveling.
Good points. Rather than looking for "signs", that are always overlooked anyway, when the guy is hot, they need to do their homework.
One thing that women overlook is how easy it is to make discreet enquiries through male friends to get a candid appraisal of men. Many men do not like way the player and bad boy types make them all look bad and they usually have a far better knowledge of where the dirt can be uncovered.
Of course, women in lust will seldom believe good advice.
This is a fun and interesting post and one is tempted to immediately "pile on" but I find it interesting that these all indicate what's wrong with the other person. How many red flags are coming up for others with you (meaning any of us)? What is it about you that attracts people with these attributes or brings them out in people? Remember (especially where you see a pattern of these "red flags" with different individuals) that the only common denominator is you. What do you bring to the table when a new opportunity presents itself? A great inviting attitude, open mindedness, support? Or caution, cynicism, judgment and waiting for the other shoe to drop among other things. I'm not directing this to any individual here and while this may not be the most popular opinion in this thread, it's something to think about nonetheless - again especially where there are patterns.
I don't think I could come up with a comprehensive list of red flags. There are just too many of them.
The ones that bother me the most, personally, that I seem to run into -
People who are "looking to avoid drama." This is code-language for: "I am unable to function without drama"
Taking problems out on me is a red flag.
Literal belief in the ritualistic aspect of religion is a red flag.
A lack of education is a red flag.
A lack of natural curiousity is a red flag
A preoccupation with the wedding ceremony, but lackluster interest in the long-term marriage is a red flag
Debt is a red flag
Flattery or submissiveness to wealth, fame or power is a HUGE red flag
Adherence to socially or culturally-driven distinctions - like the one between "medicine" and "drugs" - is a minor red flag. I think these people look for happiness in social acceptance. I like people who show the ability to arrive at their own opinions.
On the other hand, I can tolerate an awful lot of stuff that seems to drive other guys away. Go figure.
One thing that women overlook is how easy it is to make discreet enquiries through male friends to get a candid appraisal of men. Many men do not like way the player and bad boy types make them all look bad and they usually have a far better knowledge of where the dirt can be uncovered.
I've seen very few women do this kind of homework. Us guys know who the players are and just roll our eyes when we see women go for them. Sooner or later, she gets hurt and wonders why she didn't realize sooner what kind of guy he was.
Quote:
Originally Posted by marlene09
Remember (especially where you see a pattern of these "red flags" with different individuals) that the only common denominator is you. What do you bring to the table when a new opportunity presents itself? A great inviting attitude, open mindedness, support? Or caution, cynicism, judgment and waiting for the other shoe to drop among other things.
I agree. People are quick to blame others for their relationship failures and bad track record. But if you keep ending up with the wrong people, maybe it's time to look at what you're doing wrong instead of finding fault in others.
This is a fun and interesting post and one is tempted to immediately "pile on" but I find it interesting that these all indicate what's wrong with the other person. How many red flags are coming up for others with you (meaning any of us)? What is it about you that attracts people with these attributes or brings them out in people? Remember (especially where you see a pattern of these "red flags" with different individuals) that the only common denominator is you. What do you bring to the table when a new opportunity presents itself? A great inviting attitude, open mindedness, support? Or caution, cynicism, judgment and waiting for the other shoe to drop among other things. I'm not directing this to any individual here and while this may not be the most popular opinion in this thread, it's something to think about nonetheless - again especially where there are patterns.
My red flag to someone else might be the fact that I am a single mom. They don't wanna mess with baby daddy drama (luckily my ex and I have a great parentship) or they dont wanna become a step-dad (which I am not looking to pawn my kid off on the next guy who shows interest in me). But they wouldn't know these things unless they get to know me. And if my single motherhood is a red flag for them, we won't even get that far! And that's fine with me. I wouldn't want to date a person who isn't willing to accept my son. But it's their perogative. No hard feelings.
I think very few people are interested in such books early in life or if their lives are going well. It's usually a major train wreck that paves the road to them. Their audience is not particularly dumb, either. A little awareness hasn't killed anybody so far, cpg. It tends to go hand in hand with some humility as well, which is not a horrible trait.
Now, there is plenty of trash available who hasn't opened a book in her life and is perfectly content with the way she and her worthless life are. If that's what you like better, more power to you. I'm talking about a woman because even though you were careful enough to use the word "person," we all know hardly any male "persons" read such books.
Oh, I'm not referring to having a copy of "Please Understand Me" on their bookshelves. I'm talking about anybody who has boxes of these books, people whose language is permeated with its vocabulary. People who toss around phrases such as "you're projecting" or "I'm in a good place right now," for they are typically dealing with serious problems deep down, no matter how calm the surface might be.
My red flag to someone else might be the fact that I am a single mom. They don't wanna mess with baby daddy drama (luckily my ex and I have a great parentship) or they dont wanna become a step-dad (which I am not looking to pawn my kid off on the next guy who shows interest in me). But they wouldn't know these things unless they get to know me. And if my single motherhood is a red flag for them, we won't even get that far! And that's fine with me. I wouldn't want to date a person who isn't willing to accept my son. But it's their perogative. No hard feelings.
See, I think that's more of a situational issue based on the man's current state of mind, rather than a personality problem that would make just about any relationship hellish. I think that's really what we're really trying to define here.
This is a fun and interesting post and one is tempted to immediately "pile on" but I find it interesting that these all indicate what's wrong with the other person. How many red flags are coming up for others with you (meaning any of us)? What is it about you that attracts people with these attributes or brings them out in people? Remember (especially where you see a pattern of these "red flags" with different individuals) that the only common denominator is you. What do you bring to the table when a new opportunity presents itself? A great inviting attitude, open mindedness, support? Or caution, cynicism, judgment and waiting for the other shoe to drop among other things. I'm not directing this to any individual here and while this may not be the most popular opinion in this thread, it's something to think about nonetheless - again especially where there are patterns.
You make a very valid point.
The biggest red flag is they prepare a "must have" list and start with the superficial things. If they look too good to be true, they probably are.
Its difficult to be objective when you are in lust. It is easy to rationalize away your doubts instead.
Location: somewhere close to Tampa, but closer to the beach
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Guess i need to tell mama to stop making beer runs
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