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Old 07-18-2009, 05:16 PM
 
Location: NoVa
17,990 posts, read 17,769,850 times
Reputation: 18308

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Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
LOL He swears I'm always putting him down. I swear I'm not, I'm really not!
I know the feeling. ugh
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Old 07-18-2009, 05:21 PM
 
Location: NoVa
17,990 posts, read 17,769,850 times
Reputation: 18308
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I thought relationships are supposed to be about communication. As long as what you are saying is not criticizing, I think your SO should be open to listen. At that point, it's up to your SO to decide if they will take your opinion into consideration or not. All I'm saying is just hear me out, I would do it for him no problem. I don't think you should keep you feelings bottled up. I have a feeling that several of these responses are from men.
This is what happens with me and I am not controlling or criticizing.

He will ask me how I think this or that looks and what am I going to do? Lie? No.

A lot of what we are dealing with right now has to do with landscaping. I really do not like a heck of a lot of his ideas because our yard is so small and he is putting things in that are more proper for a larger space.

So then I say well how about this?

Then I get told I do not like any of his ideas or am never on his side.

Everything he has done in our little front yard are all his ideas and they have all been done whether I like it or not.

If you don't really want my opinion or care about it, do not ask. If you don't want to try anything I like at all, do not give me an option.....

This is an example.
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Old 07-18-2009, 05:29 PM
 
Location: in love with life!
5,289 posts, read 847,147 times
Reputation: 828
I think it does depend on how we say things when we think we are right and they are wrong.

Communication is important in a healthy relationship. But remember, 90% of what we say is not the words, it is everything else, the tone the looks, etc. So be sure that you are being helpful with all of your communication.

And it does depend on how often you correct. We all have pride, women as much as men and we all hate to be told we are wrong, especially if it happens all the time.

On the other hand, he may have self-esteem issues which he needs to deal with, because it hampers quality of life.

As a female, yeah there are times when I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall and not my SO, or when I feel like my opinions are not being considered. But then I just remember that if I wanted it done right (read: my way!) than I should have done it, and maybe he "messed up" but he will eventually learn and I didn't have to do whatever it was, so I should just be thankful.

We all learn better through our own mistakes than through lectures. As one famous Greek said "Experience is the harshest but best teacher."

Anyway, that is my 2 cents worth.
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Old 07-19-2009, 07:39 AM
 
Location: Colorado (PA at heart)
5,355 posts, read 6,703,125 times
Reputation: 6277
Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
I thought relationships are supposed to be about communication. As long as what you are saying is not criticizing, I think your SO should be open to listen. At that point, it's up to your SO to decide if they will take your opinion into consideration or not. All I'm saying is just hear me out, I would do it for him no problem. I don't think you should keep you feelings bottled up. I have a feeling that several of these responses are from men.
I'm a woman. But okay, maybe I jumped the gun. I think it would help if you gave some specific examples of what you mean. The way you described it, it DID sound a lot like you're constantly telling him what he is doing wrong in your relationship and in any kind of job he's doing. Could you give a specific example of what he's done that's so "wrong" in the relationship? Telling him how you feel is fine but you made it sound like you're constantly pointing how everything he's doing wrong rather than just telling him how you feel. Maybe you just worded it badly but that's how it came across.

As someone else said - the frequency of it matters too. Giving him a suggestion on a job he's working on once in a blue moon, not a big deal... but if you're doing it often, just back off and let him do it his way. As long as he gets the job done, who cares how he does it?
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Old 07-19-2009, 08:06 AM
 
Location: TN
264 posts, read 534,916 times
Reputation: 278
I have the same problem with husband, you can't even make a suggestion to him without him getting all bent out of shape. And these are things that are important, things I cannot just let slide. example: he is CONSTANTLY leaving his razor out on the counter where our 2 year old could reach it and cut himself, I ask him to please start putting it away...he gets pissed and says..."i always do" ....umm...no, I say, I have put it up everyday for the past week. he gets mad and storms off, ends up calling me the B word in the end. ?
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Old 07-19-2009, 08:15 AM
 
Location: Denver, CO
3,657 posts, read 4,659,426 times
Reputation: 1460
I'm guessing that he may feel you are being a little controlling. If he's doing something, then you come along with a "better idea" of how to do it, I can see where that would cause some resentment. People do't like to be told how to do something or that your way is better, etc. Some personalities just don't take that well.
I would lay off the suggestions and just let him do it his way. And don't by any means, do it your way right behind him or anything like that. Just say "Thanks for doing that, honey!" and move on. Just because you would do it differently doesn't mean he did it wrong.
Can you name a specific example? A time he was doing something you wanted to "correct"? maybe that would shed more light on it??


Quote:
Originally Posted by beckycat View Post
My DH takes everything the wrong way. If I give a suggestion or tell him how I feel, he says that I make him feel like crap. I'll give a couple examples. If he does something wrong, I want to let him know how it makes me feel. He turns it around and says you make me feel like crap and depressed. Therfore, it feels like I can't express myself or I make him feel like crap. Another example is when he's doing some type of job, I give a suggestion like maybe a better idea would be to do it this way. He turns it around to think I'm questioning him about his work and I'm insinuating he doesn't know what he's doing. It drives me nuts b/c honestly I do not mean it that way. Too me, he has low self esteem and that causes him to feel that way. I've talked to him about it before and nothing changes.
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Old 07-19-2009, 09:35 AM
 
Location: Taylors, SC
8,908 posts, read 14,915,054 times
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Here's just one example: Let's say we have some errands to get done. We need to go to the bank, Home depot and the grocery store. My DH will say let's run to the bank now and then come back home. In about 2 hours, he'll say let's go to Home Depot and them come back home. Then finally, let's go to the grocery store. Too me that makes no sense, it's a waste of gas and time. I will say, just as a suggestion, "Since everything is all located in one area, I think it's a good idea to take care of everything at once instead of making several trips." This is just a simple example. I'll try to think of some better ones.
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Old 07-19-2009, 10:14 AM
 
Location: TN
264 posts, read 534,916 times
Reputation: 278
beckycat...my husband does that too ! so inefficient and seems to me to be a complete waste of time and gas to do things "his" way. for example...he works about 45 min. away and instead of getting direct deposit...he insists on driving all the way to his office (he works from home, so he has to make a separate trip) to get his check and then take it to the bank everyother week. ? this makes no sense to me. He does stuff like that which drives me crazy cause it is just illogical. I think maybe he has ADD....very frustrating to deal with.
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Old 07-19-2009, 10:15 AM
 
951 posts, read 1,026,073 times
Reputation: 615
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tropical Trouble View Post
If I've learned anything about men over the years it's that they don't like to be told how to do something.

You can tell them what you want done, but then it's up to him to get it done however he wants to. If he screws it up, then let him screw it up. If you think there's a better way, do it yourself.
True. However, where's the fun of having a slave under contract?
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Old 07-19-2009, 11:04 AM
 
Location: On our boat!
5,684 posts, read 10,543,804 times
Reputation: 3197
Boy, I'm sure glad that I married the lady that I did!!! Need I say more??
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