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Old 01-05-2017, 10:28 PM
 
3 posts, read 2,814 times
Reputation: 10

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Hi,

My situation: Been with my boyfriend for a few years, he's 32, I'm almost 29, we're currently long distance because his work transferred him to another country, but we have lived together before that for about two years in total.

So, here's the thing- He wants me to move to be with him, which theoretically isn't hard for me (I work selfemployed and I'd actually love to move to that new country), but I'm scared. We're not engaged. And even though I know that being engaged/married doesn't mean the relationship is safe, I kinda don't feel comfortable moving to a different country to live with him, without being engaged at least, especially considering that we have been together for over three years. We have talked about marriage before but he isn't in a rush, he says we will get married one day but doesn't see the point of doing it now.
Also, he has bought an apartment there where we would live (I didn't buy it with him because back then I wasn't sure if I should really move), which scares me a bit as well- Moving to a different country to live in HIS apartment (while he could kick me out whenever) without even being engaged?

I don't know, am I expecting too much? I really wanna be with him but I feel like it's natural that I expect us to be engaged at least for me to move. He doesn't seem to understand my problem.

What do you think? What would you do?

Thanks!
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Old 01-05-2017, 10:42 PM
 
Location: 🇬🇧 In jolly old London! 🇬🇧
15,675 posts, read 11,449,865 times
Reputation: 12547
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lluvia17 View Post
Hi,

My situation: Been with my boyfriend for a few years, he's 32, I'm almost 29, we're currently long distance because his work transferred him to another country, but we have lived together before that for about two years in total.

So, here's the thing- He wants me to move to be with him, which theoretically isn't hard for me (I work selfemployed and I'd actually love to move to that new country), but I'm scared. We're not engaged. And even though I know that being engaged/married doesn't mean the relationship is safe, I kinda don't feel comfortable moving to a different country to live with him, without being engaged at least, especially considering that we have been together for over three years. We have talked about marriage before but he isn't in a rush, he says we will get married one day but doesn't see the point of doing it now.
Also, he has bought an apartment there where we would live (I didn't buy it with him because back then I wasn't sure if I should really move), which scares me a bit as well- Moving to a different country to live in HIS apartment (while he could kick me out whenever) without even being engaged?

I don't know, am I expecting too much? I really wanna be with him but I feel like it's natural that I expect us to be engaged at least for me to move. He doesn't seem to understand my problem.

What do you think? What would you do?

Thanks!
Welcome to the forum

Yes it's a scary prospect my love but if you love him and would relish the chance to move to that country anyway why not?.

Maybe marriage for him just doesn't hold the same sacred bond and the sense of security that it does for you?..... Doesn't mean he doesn't love and cherish you. ( I'm like that myself btw )
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Old 01-05-2017, 10:45 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,932 posts, read 59,552,039 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lluvia17 View Post

I'm scared.

I kinda don't feel comfortable moving to a different country to live with him....

Moving to a different country to live in HIS apartment (while he could kick me out whenever) without even being engaged?
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

If he REALLY doesn't understand your feelings, then you two are on different pages in terms of the relationship.

You aren't expecting too much. It's smart to be cautious. LISTEN to your gut.
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Old 01-05-2017, 11:16 PM
 
Location: SoCal
20,160 posts, read 12,652,476 times
Reputation: 16993
I'd ask for a big ring before I move. That's just me.
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Old 01-05-2017, 11:18 PM
 
Location: Sweet Home...CHICAGO
3,421 posts, read 5,187,256 times
Reputation: 4355
Marriage or no move.
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Old 01-05-2017, 11:38 PM
 
636 posts, read 390,237 times
Reputation: 714
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lluvia17 View Post
Hi,

My situation: Been with my boyfriend for a few years, he's 32, I'm almost 29, we're currently long distance because his work transferred him to another country, but we have lived together before that for about two years in total.

So, here's the thing- He wants me to move to be with him, which theoretically isn't hard for me (I work selfemployed and I'd actually love to move to that new country), but I'm scared. We're not engaged. And even though I know that being engaged/married doesn't mean the relationship is safe, I kinda don't feel comfortable moving to a different country to live with him, without being engaged at least, especially considering that we have been together for over three years. We have talked about marriage before but he isn't in a rush, he says we will get married one day but doesn't see the point of doing it now.
Also, he has bought an apartment there where we would live (I didn't buy it with him because back then I wasn't sure if I should really move), which scares me a bit as well- Moving to a different country to live in HIS apartment (while he could kick me out whenever) without even being engaged?

I don't know, am I expecting too much? I really wanna be with him but I feel like it's natural that I expect us to be engaged at least for me to move. He doesn't seem to understand my problem.

What do you think? What would you do?

Thanks!
I would go. But, I make a career out of living in different countries.

One big concern, would be getting a visa to live in this country. Most places don't just allow someone to move for an unlimited amount of time (90 days is usual).

Also, in some countries, it could even be illegal for an unmarried couple to live together.


As far as him kicking you out, which is the only real concern that you mentioned, what's the worst that would happen if he did that?

Most likely, you'd have to rent a hotel for a few days, while you sort out a flight back home. Not really that big of a deal.


ETA:
The move and the marriage should be completely independent decisions. People should get married because they want to get married, not for any other reason, IMO
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Old 01-05-2017, 11:39 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,055 posts, read 106,854,652 times
Reputation: 115795
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post

You aren't expecting too much. It's smart to be cautious. LISTEN to your gut.
Just what I was going to say. We have that inner voice of guidance for a reason; it's to be listened to, and taken seriously. You're having misgivings for a reason, OP. Heed those misgivings. He doesn't see the point in getting engaged or married? Not in a rush? I predict that if you were to move there, the years would drag on with still no engagement.

You two aren't on the same page on that important issue. You could either break up with him, or -- just thinking outside the box, here -- you could consider it to be just a temporary thing; go over there for a year or two (IF you could find a job, or take your job with you, working remotely), have fun getting to know a foreign country and travelling a little, then come home. If he objects to your leaving, tell him he's not committed to you, you're not committed to him. Why would that be a problem, you could ask him. Maybe if you're able to put yourself in that frame of mind, treating it more like an extended visit than a big life move, you'd be able to get some enjoyment out of it, then leave.

If you're not able to do that emotionally, or you don't want to give up a good job, just tell him you're moving on. "Thanks, but no thanks", essentially.
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Old 01-06-2017, 02:06 AM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
10,932 posts, read 11,656,829 times
Reputation: 13169
I moved permanently from the US to Denmark 20+ years ago. It wasn't for love, though. It was for a permanent job. I was familiar with the culture, having spent a lot of time there as a tourist and then visiting friends I had made. I had already started learning Danish; my job was in English and everyone I knew and their friends all spoke English. I thought adjusting to the new culture would be super easy. Was I in for a shock.

Moving for love doesn't make things easier. It makes it even harder. I've seen this over and over again since I arrived; dated a lot and then married a Danish woman. Adjusting to the Danish romantic relationship culture was hard. Most of the Americans I met, who came to Denmark for relationship reasons, have gone back home not knowing what hit them after they moved here with a girlfriend or a spouse. They came without jobs, didn't know anybody, and worst of all they found that their partner could quickly adjust back to their native culture and the change bewildered them.

If you can, make a trial move for 90 days. Test the waters.

Do you even know the immigration laws of the country you may go to? Does your boyfriend? That's a whole other story.
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Old 01-06-2017, 03:42 AM
 
Location: between Mars and Venus
1,748 posts, read 1,286,304 times
Reputation: 2471
Quote:
Originally Posted by NewbieHere View Post
I'd ask for a big ring before I move. That's just me.

^Agreed.

Make sure there is real commitment from him for you to make the move. Love is one thing, but you don't wanna be the girl who move to another country to be with a boyfriend, because "there's no point to get married now".

Whats next? He'll tell you dont need a piece of paper to prove anything since you've lived together so long.
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Old 01-06-2017, 05:58 AM
 
Location: Florida
23,154 posts, read 26,041,602 times
Reputation: 27882
Being engaged doesn't ensure one damn thing that not being engaged does.
Go if it's a good choice for you for all other reasons.
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