I could use a little advice (date, boyfriend, long distance, girl)

[Temika27]

I am 31 years old and very single. My ex-boyfriend who is 32 broke up with me almost 5 years ago but I still want to be with him. We started out young (I was 14 he was 15) and we were on and off for over 13 years. Of course we had problems but I feel like I especially did whatever I could to work things out and hold us together. I wasn't an angel so I won't try to make it seem that way but anything I did he didn't have to hear about it in the street.

Basically, we had a long distance relationship for awhile when I was away for college. After moving back home we got back together and I ended up moving away for about a year for a job opportunity. We were still together when I was preparing to move back home in 2004 and this is when I really noticed the change. He was always busy, always working, had no time for me. I found out 4 months after the move through snooping that he had been involved with someone else. He said he didn't want to break up and of course I wanted to work things out but after a couple months of "trying" he broke up with me saying he just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore but he still loved me. The drama ensued, I lost my mind (for a long time), I did everything I could to hold onto him, drive by's, walk-in's, phone calls, discussions with his mom, whatever, it didn't matter to me. You don't just throw away 13 years with someone.

Anyway, he ends up with a baby by the girl he cheated on me with despite the fact that he constantly told me he was no longer involved with her. Through all the drama, the mean words, the fussing and fighting, we still maintain contact with each other. The calls are infrequent and short, I want to spend time with him, he still says he is too busy. We haven't seen each other in at least 7 months now. When we argue he'll say "I never want to talk to you again, don't call my phone, stay out of my life". Most times I call him first but there have been times when I tell myself "this is it, I'm through" I won't call him for weeks but he turns around and calls my phone to say "I wanted to see how you were doing since we haven't talked in awhile". If he is so over me and the relationship, why doesn't he just leave well enough alone by not calling after he's heard nothing from me? Like I said, I have been more than willing to work things out, nothings perfect. I am a good person, I've always been there for him, I know love isn't enough but what more can I do? If he refuses to be a part of my life and refuses to allow me to be apart of his shouldn't I just stop all communication. He thinks there is nothing wrong with maintaining contact but I think he should just leave well enough alone.

[yankeegirl313]

You answered your own question.
Yes. Stop all contact.

[Chowhound]

I must have ADD, as I can't read that much info.

Sorry, I'm sure Yankee gave you good advice.

[findinghope]

yes its true, you spent 13 yrs together, and it seems that you are no longer in love with eachother. its just a matter of being used to being around eachother. but maybe what he wants from you is to know how you are doing, to be only freinds who care about how each is doing and nothing more. what you say is true---you dont throw all that away, but it does change what it is over time.
go on with your life, be alone for a while and then go find someone to spend your life with. in the mean time, have this freind in your life who knows you probably better than anyone since you have experienced a great deal of your lives together.

[Braunwyn]

This sounds really toxic. Imo, you should stop all contact with him. Change your number, get some hobbies, and perhaps see a therapist. What always worked for me during hard break-ups was keeping busy. I would join a meditation center and start a new or continue an old hobby. If you don't have friends, try to make some. If you have a support system, let them know you need help. Don't waste what's left of your younger years on this.

[PassTheChocolate]

You may be able to be friends down the road, but not while feelings are still there. He may not be taking you seriously. You're going to have to stop responding. At some point, if he's not a loon, he'll get the hint and go away.

[AllAboutEve]

Originally Posted by Temika27

The drama ensued, I lost my mind (for a long time), I did everything I could to hold onto him, drive by's, walk-in's, phone calls, discussions with his mom, whatever, it didn't matter to me. You don't just throw away 13 years with someone.

Temika - I'm sorry you had to go through such a hard break up. 13 years is a long time. But like you said, you have done everything to get back together and none of it has worked. I think you need to cut him out of your life for good. Stop taking phone calls, stop calling him. No emails. Nothing. You may need to talk to someone like a counselor to get you through it.

If it is meant to work out, maybe after a separation the both of you will be at a place where you can start over. But don't depend on that.

Leave the past in the past, and start focusing on the present.

~Lizzy

[Naomi Manischewitz]

i have been there and it sucks. but you know you need to stop contact. its hard to move on. go out with friends and family and just have a good time going out. things like that do make you forget the one you are trying to forget about. it took me over a year to get over someone myself.

[Sunnydee]

You will never find "Mr. Right" as long as you are tethered to this guy. Cut him loose, get on with your life, and be happy.

[Jay100]

Originally Posted by Temika27

I am 31 years old and very single. My ex-boyfriend who is 32 broke up with me almost 5 years ago but I still want to be with him. We started out young (I was 14 he was 15) and we were on and off for over 13 years. Of course we had problems but I feel like I especially did whatever I could to work things out and hold us together. I wasn't an angel so I won't try to make it seem that way but anything I did he didn't have to hear about it in the street.

Basically, we had a long distance relationship for awhile when I was away for college. After moving back home we got back together and I ended up moving away for about a year for a job opportunity. We were still together when I was preparing to move back home in 2004 and this is when I really noticed the change. He was always busy, always working, had no time for me. I found out 4 months after the move through snooping that he had been involved with someone else. He said he didn't want to break up and of course I wanted to work things out but after a couple months of "trying" he broke up with me saying he just didn't want to be in a relationship anymore but he still loved me. The drama ensued, I lost my mind (for a long time), I did everything I could to hold onto him, drive by's, walk-in's, phone calls, discussions with his mom, whatever, it didn't matter to me. You don't just throw away 13 years with someone.

Anyway, he ends up with a baby by the girl he cheated on me with despite the fact that he constantly told me he was no longer involved with her. Through all the drama, the mean words, the fussing and fighting, we still maintain contact with each other. The calls are infrequent and short, I want to spend time with him, he still says he is too busy. We haven't seen each other in at least 7 months now. When we argue he'll say "I never want to talk to you again, don't call my phone, stay out of my life". Most times I call him first but there have been times when I tell myself "this is it, I'm through" I won't call him for weeks but he turns around and calls my phone to say "I wanted to see how you were doing since we haven't talked in awhile". If he is so over me and the relationship, why doesn't he just leave well enough alone by not calling after he's heard nothing from me? Like I said, I have been more than willing to work things out, nothings perfect. I am a good person, I've always been there for him, I know love isn't enough but what more can I do? If he refuses to be a part of my life and refuses to allow me to be apart of his shouldn't I just stop all communication. He thinks there is nothing wrong with maintaining contact but I think he should just leave well enough alone.

Sounds like a crazy ex relationship. I would just move on and find another person to date because I am not the type to play games in romantic relationships. I wouldn't expect that from somebody that I've known for 1 week, much less 13 years. But some people like having drama in their lives; they like to fuss and fight; they like to bicker and argue; some even like to be hit (to show you love them). That type of relationship could be right for you being that you're willing to accept what he gives you.