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I'm of the opinion that some women want to have the option, even if they say they don't want kids. But I agree with mgt04, she may not be as undecided as she says.
I mentioned this in another thread. A good friend of mine recently had a vasectomy. His girlfriend of two years (age 40) knew all along he did not want kids. She resigned to it, saying she was too old and set in her ways to have kids anyways. When he got it done, she was fit to be tied because he didn't discuss it with her first. There was nothing to discuss. Other than informing her that he was getting the procedure done, there was nothing to discuss. She didn't have a say.
Turns out she did want kids and was going along with his choices because she didn't want to lose him. That's a whole other dilemma for another thread.
I don't want any more kids either, I know this for a fact. But if that option was taken from me, for example, through a hysterectomy, I'd be sad and feel like I've lost control somewhat.
I think you should talk to her more about it to make sure she doesn't end up resenting you, even if she is reading too much into it.
This is the part of it all that baffles the life out of me. Some of her 'feelings' on things is to go along for the sake of peace, to avoid confrontation, and then somewhere down the line she'll come out and say whatever it is she's silently going along with is frustrating.
If your friend's feelings were clearly put on the table, and her fear of losing him made her put up with it, even though deep inside she didn't feel right about it, she can't look at him at being wrong when she never honestly spoke how she felt.
I really don't get the hope and prayer that a man will change after the wedding. I understand for some women (and some men), that it's in their nature to go along for the sake of peace, but if your feelings on matters are encouraged, you are doing yourself a disservice to not express them clearly upfront, as soon as the topic is on the table, ESPECIALLY when the mate's desires conflict with your own.
Given that vasectomy reversals are big business in this country, it's a lot more common than one might suppose.
Heck, after #3 popped out ten years ago, my wife was adamant about not having more kids. Now, whenever she sees a baby, she says, "Oh, don't you want another baby?" At times like that, I think, "Thank God I had the procedure."
I haven't decided to go as far as snip my plumbing, LOL. I feel that if it happens despite my preventive measures, I'll live. But it's not something that I am immediately planning for.
Her complaint is that everything with me needs to make sense, and I can list a number of reasons that I don't want kids (I'm 31, she's 29, and we are working towards marriage). She feels that with kids it shouldn't be so cut and dry. Whatever.
That's not to say that, should it happen by accident, I wouldn't stand up to prepare to be a father.
I'm not surprised at your ages. Neither one of you is a kid and many women want to marry or begin motherhood in their late 20s. It's good you broached the subject.
I'm a woman that has known all my life that I didn't want kids in my life, and I'm now 50 years old and with no regrets. My boyfriend is 29 and has never wanted kids. And with his impatient temperament and low tolerance for noisy kids, I don't think that he should ever be a father either.
I think that it's fine for anyone to decide that they don't want kids. And I wish more people thought this way. Sigh.
I love kids- I play my Uncle role well! I get my nephews and have them over, let them eat me out of house, tear up my grounds, but come Monday I can ship them back to Mom and Dad. That's the best of both worlds.
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. It's also perfectly all right to not want to have kids with a particular person, whom you don't mind dating. And it's also quite common to change one's mind. All of this is perfectly fine, as long as there is honesty and openness in your relationship.
That said, I understand how your girlfriend feels. I think she is just afraid to face the truth. I don't know, OP, if you will relate this advice to her, but when your SO tells you "I don't want to have kids, but may change my mind in the future", it's best to assume it means "I don't want to have kids with you, but I also don't want you dumping me over this right now." And one should plan accordingly.
Yeah I'm going to come back to discuss it. We discussed this early on, since our intent is to someday marry, and being that it's undecided, it must not be high on her list.
Perhaps what's not high on her list is the "someday marry" part of the equation -- the converse being, "someday not marry."
There is nothing wrong with not wanting to have kids. It's also perfectly all right to not want to have kids with a particular person, whom you don't mind dating. And it's also quite common to change one's mind. All of this is perfectly fine, as long as there is honesty and openness in your relationship.
That said, I understand how your girlfriend feels. I think she is just afraid to face the truth. I don't know, OP, if you will relate this advice to her, but when your SO tells you "I don't want to have kids, but may change my mind in the future", it's best to assume it means "I don't want to have kids with you, but I also don't want you dumping me over this right now." And one should plan accordingly.
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I think it's more of "I want kids, but don't want to say it, since some days I don't feel like I want them", or even "I want kids, but for the sake of harmonly, I'll say I'm undecided". If she had it her way we'd be married by now.
Sometimes she feels since we've discussed something once before it's established, where I'd rather discuss important issues a few times throughout the relationship to ensure that what's being said is consistent and we thoroughly understand each other. Depending on the phase, a person may say something that goes over an SO's head because they are so in love.
The subject came up while we were in an hour wait for a 30 second ride at an amusement park. A female friend of ours was in line as well, and we were talking about death and kids. My girl wants to be buried, I want to be cremated. We laughed about me planning to burn her against her will. But she didn't laugh about that. So at one point when we were alone, I brought it up again, and I saw how serious she was about it.
According to her, it's not high on her priority, but it has to be for her to react in this manner. I don't think she's going to break up over this, but this matter will be discussed again.
IZ: Hey, if you don't want kids, and your gf really wants to have them (without coming out and saying so), just tell her about autism. Now 1 in 100 children in some places, and still climbing.
Nah that's pretty much established. Unless she tells me her name used to be Paul, we're going there. LOL
"Pretty much," huh? Those are great odds -- NOT!
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