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Old 07-29-2009, 02:32 PM
 
Location: Bellingham, Wa
63 posts, read 223,414 times
Reputation: 32

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I have been married for almost 9 yrs now. I have a 17yr old daughter from a previous relationship and two sons 7 and 4 from this marriage. I love my husband and my children but I am lonely. My children have all have disabilities. My husband works all of the time (he works from home). I am a stay at home mom. I am so lonely. My husband is a good provider and father. I beleive he is faithful. I can't remember when he last held my hand or kissed me. He watches tv with me at night but while on the computer. We only talk to argue about money. We rarely have sex and if we do it doesn't involve any real intimacy. I know that he has trouble with intimacy but every time I speak with him about it everything gets turned around on me and my issues. I am 37 yrs old and don't want to spend my life feeling like I'm living alone in my house with my two kids. I know having children with serious disabilities has taken a tole on us and our marriage. I want to be their for my children while they are growing up but I also don't want to live my life feeling unloved by my spouse. I could cheat but I am not the cheating kind. I don't know what to do. If I bring it up I don't think anything will change it never does. I guess worse comes to worse I can give it another year and go when our youngest is in Kindergarten so it is less hard on them. It will also give me time to get in shape again and find a job. I am sorry for rambling but I have no one to talk to and need advice.
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Old 07-29-2009, 02:37 PM
 
Location: Beautiful New England
2,412 posts, read 6,469,102 times
Reputation: 3054
I'll ask the first (obvious) question: have you two gone to counseling?
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Old 07-29-2009, 02:39 PM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,500 posts, read 20,072,624 times
Reputation: 4220
I feel for you. In my last relationship I was also very lonely. No intimacy and every night he watched TV while I played on my computer alone. He slept with his back to me on the bed. I thank god I got out of there. I never want to feel like that again.
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Old 07-29-2009, 02:42 PM
 
Location: Dallas TX
15,030 posts, read 21,753,522 times
Reputation: 22227
I feel your pain and have been there. Marriage is hard work. A few suggestions.

1. Sit down with him and talk when neither of you are angry, discuss how you are feeling.
2. Make an appt for sex, it may sound silly, but trust me it works! Say every Saturday no matter what, you will have sex.
3. Go out for a girls night, with your friends for time for yourself!
4. Go on a date night with your hubby once a month! Either dinner, or take a class, something without the kids.

These are just a few places you can start, see what happens. Good luck!
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Old 07-29-2009, 02:44 PM
 
Location: Bellingham, Wa
63 posts, read 223,414 times
Reputation: 32
We have not gone to marriage counseling. I have suggested in the past and he has said that I need to go to counseling first to deal with my issues from childhood. I think this is crap because they are separate issues.
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Old 07-29-2009, 02:56 PM
 
2,856 posts, read 4,244,539 times
Reputation: 2136
How well had you known the guy before you were married?

Have you tried finding a job or volunteering outside of the house? I don't really know your situation but it sounds like you are a bit spoiled. You have everything. He's there with you 24/7. Were you happy before you met him?

I'm just going to throw this out there but it sounds like maybe there's somebody or something else on his mind. Like maybe he has regrets about not pursuing a certain career or pursuing an old flame.
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Old 07-29-2009, 03:11 PM
 
Location: Bellingham, Wa
63 posts, read 223,414 times
Reputation: 32
I would not think of myself as spoiled. I have three children. A bipolar daughter who is 17 and tried to kill me when I was pregnant with my youngest. A seven year old Autistic son and a 4 year old son who is most likely autistic also. My husband works from home in his office. I take the kids to school therapies etc. The only way I could work is if I did so at night. Have you ever tried to look for daycare for disabled children and seen how much it costs let alone how many qualified people are out their. When my youngest goes to Kindergarten I will look for at least a part time job so that I can have a bit of sanity. I stay in the basement with the kids after they get out of school so they will not disturb my husband when he is on conference calls. We do have a kitchen and bathroom in the basement but keeping two young children in the basement with me all day until 5pm can be a bit unnerving. I am not sure if my husband has someone else on his mind or not he is always working or on the computer. He is going out of town for a friends birthday next week. I have not had a day off from the children to myself in 7yrs. I work everyday with my children who would be a challenge with just one let alone all three. My husband is a good provider and father. He takes time for his children. Their just seems to be nothing left for me.
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Old 07-29-2009, 03:27 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,269 posts, read 88,570,147 times
Reputation: 39866
Quote:
Originally Posted by OcularBeauty View Post
I would not think of myself as spoiled. I have three children. A bipolar daughter who is 17 and tried to kill me when I was pregnant with my youngest. A seven year old Autistic son and a 4 year old son who is most likely autistic also. My husband works from home in his office. I take the kids to school therapies etc. The only way I could work is if I did so at night. Have you ever tried to look for daycare for disabled children and seen how much it costs let alone how many qualified people are out their. When my youngest goes to Kindergarten I will look for at least a part time job so that I can have a bit of sanity. I stay in the basement with the kids after they get out of school so they will not disturb my husband when he is on conference calls. We do have a kitchen and bathroom in the basement but keeping two young children in the basement with me all day until 5pm can be a bit unnerving. I am not sure if my husband has someone else on his mind or not he is always working or on the computer. He is going out of town for a friends birthday next week. I have not had a day off from the children to myself in 7yrs. I work everyday with my children who would be a challenge with just one let alone all three. My husband is a good provider and father. He takes time for his children. Their just seems to be nothing left for me.
Honey, what you need to start is a good old fashioned support group. Contact the United Way office in your city and see what kinds of support groups are available for parents like you with kids who have the particular issues yours have. Just being able to talk to other parents going thru some of the same issues will give you some immediate relief.

In addition, you need some respite. There is no reason you have not had a day off from your kids in 7 years! That is nuts! Again, contact your local professionals to find out how to get involved in respite groups so that you can start getting some "me" time. Believe me, EVERY mother needs that, but especially moms of disabled kids.

Your husband is likely doing the best he can, but he sounds as overwhelmed as you - round up the troops, call in the Calvary - you guys need some help and it's up to you to find out how to get it.

Best of luck - let us know how things go after you get some help okay?
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Old 07-29-2009, 03:46 PM
 
Location: Bellingham, Wa
63 posts, read 223,414 times
Reputation: 32
Thank you. I will see what I can find here. We just moved to a new area recently which makes it extra hard.
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Old 07-29-2009, 09:41 PM
 
Location: TN
264 posts, read 733,634 times
Reputation: 289
ocularbeauty...having to keep the kids quiet while your spouse works from home I can def. relate to...mine has the choice to work from home or go into the office...and when he gets frustrated with the kids noise (while he is on conference calls, too) i want to be like...THEN GO IN TO WORK ALREADY! Plus since he works from home, it is always there for him to jump into and he does...work almost all the time. I also know how it feels to be married and yet feel so completely alone...it is not easy. The other day, my husband came in the room and asked me why are you on that computer again...(i was on a social networking site)...and I was like..."because I"m lonely, that's why."...it was a total shock to him that I felt that way, even though I was quite sure it should have been obvious from the situation...(sometimes we assume the other person knows how we feel and they truly have no idea, esp. when the other person is a male). We have been to counseling a few times and it really did seem to help him to talk some things out, especially because he really hadn't ever discussed some of it with anyone. Really, though, the only reason he went at all was because it was sort of disguised as counseling for one of our children who was having some problems, so it was presented more as "family" counseling than as marriage counseling. Maybe a similar approach would work with your husband, to get him in the door.

In any case, It sounds like you are going through some really trying times and I really hope things get better for you and your family soon.
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