I confess, I will not enter any relationship with no benefit to me. (marriages, guy)

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by Family_Guy27

The list is fine. The problem with most women is they don't bring anything to the table themselves. Do you try to impress your man? Are you financially stable? Are you in shape? Do you show appreciation to your man? I find 9 times out of 10 women hold unrealistic expectations that they can't meet themselves.

I would never expect any of those qualities if I did not feel that I was in possession of them myself.

[ChessieMom]

Originally Posted by seven up

And when you are finished changing him = divorce.

You misread. This is not about changing someone.

[SandyCo]

Why would anyone want to enter a relationship that doesn't benefit them, unless they have masochistic or codependent tendencies?! Is there really such a thing as unconditional love? That always seemed so unhealthy to me!

I also see nothing wrong with the list.

[mongoslade223]

It's funny to me because you hear all these stories about women staying with abusive and no good losers and all they can say is "But I love him". Then people call her crazy. A women makes a reasonable list of standards of what she wants in a guy and she gets hated on. WTH?

[mango tango]

Originally Posted by ChessieMom

I would never expect any of those qualities if I did not feel that I was in possession of them myself.

I wish I could rep you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I agree with this except I also think sometimes a quality might be interchangeable for a person with another. For example (don't flame me) the person might not be financially secure but is exceptionally good looking and the other person is financially secure but is average looking.

[JeepGirl118]

Originally Posted by PassTheChocolate

[Sounds pretty selfish, doesn’t it? What do you take from this? Remember, this is not about using someone.....or is it?

Without having read past the initial thread, none of what you said is selfish at all nor is it about using someone. What you said is beautifully thought out and well written. Appears that you are hoping for a very nice, loving, inter-dependant relationship and it's clear that you derive much pleasure in giving, as well as receiving. And I hope you find him very soon!

I see 94 posts minus the original, before mine, that I need to catch up on reading and I am scared! LOL - What's in store here?

[NotARedneck]

Originally Posted by mongoslade223

It's funny to me because you hear all these stories about women staying with abusive and no good losers and all they can say is "But I love him". Then people call her crazy. A women makes a reasonable list of standards of what she wants in a guy and she gets hated on. WTH?

I looked through the posts and can't see what you are talking about.

Most only seem to state that women must be prepared to bring as much into a relationship. (If you read between the lines, they are saying "Sex isn't enough")

If one wanted to be critical, the 5 items really break down as follows. As all men know, women generally look for the three superficial attributes, looks, money and an easy charm that comes from the confidence of having the first two. There is nothing inherently bad about these, if taken in moderation, but often this is not the case. PassTheChocolate does a good job of dressing them up in a palatable form, but this does not hide the fact that its how rigorously she applies her standards, that really counts. At the same time, nobody wants her to be stuck with an unemployed boor who she finds unattractive.

The remaining two points are mere a reiteration of the first. Not only does she want him to have money, but she wants him to spend it on her in some sort of "fair" manner. I have a problem with this one, as did another correspondent. IMHO, this is just wrong. Besides, constantly giving gifts and expecting reciprocation is a silly way to establish a successful relationship. However, only expecting to receive them is worse and at least she doesn't go down that road.

She also wants him to be a charmer and at the same time charm her. This sounds like many divorces, where people exclaim "I can't believe she's leaving him. He's so nice!" They knew nothing about went on behind closed doors.

These last two points make me wonder whether she's had some very poor experiences with men and doesn't trust them. Perhaps trustworthiness is what she should look for. However, that takes an approach that goes beyond the superficial and if she aims too high on the superficial, her chances are VERY slim with this and other important qualities.

[mango tango]

Okay, I went back and read this read and I am compelled to post my thoughts.


EVERYONE has a mental list (some may have literal written out lists) of what they want in a relationship. If you say you have no expectations or requirements, then you are full of BS.

Here, I'll point out a few things that I KNOW everyone has on their mental list:

1. The other person must make me happy. Because who wants to be with someone that makes them miserable?

2. I must be attracted to them. I know a lot of people say that they don't rule out people based on physical things but everyone generally likes people that they find attractive. Note: I didn't say they had to be the perfect epitome of beautiful in the way society views it but that the person must find the other attractive. If you're repulsed by someone's physical appearance, then that kind of puts a curb on the sexy activities, no?

3. The person must show his/her feelings for me. Who wants to be in a relationship with a statue? Not me!

[mango tango]

Originally Posted by NotARedneck

I looked through the posts and can't see what you are talking about.

Most only seem to state that women must be prepared to bring as much into a relationship. (If you read between the lines, they are saying "Sex isn't enough")

If one wanted to be critical, the 5 items really break down as follows. As all men know, women generally look for the three superficial attributes, looks, money and an easy charm that comes from the confidence of having the first two. There is nothing inherently bad about these, if taken in moderation, but often this is not the case. PassTheChocolate does a good job of dressing them up in a palatable form, but this does not hide the fact that its how rigorously she applies her standards, that really counts. At the same time, nobody wants her to be stuck with an unemployed boor who she finds unattractive.

The remaining two points are mere a reiteration of the first. Not only does she want him to have money, but she wants him to spend it on her in some sort of "fair" manner. I have a problem with this one, as did another correspondent. IMHO, this is just wrong. Besides, constantly giving gifts and expecting reciprocation is a silly way to establish a successful relationship. However, only expecting to receive them is worse and at least she doesn't go down that road.

She also wants him to be a charmer and at the same time charm her. This sounds like many divorces, where people exclaim "I can't believe she's leaving him. He's so nice!" They knew nothing about went on behind closed doors.

These last two points make me wonder whether she's had some very poor experiences with men and doesn't trust them. Perhaps trustworthiness is what she should look for. However, that takes an approach that goes beyond the superficial and if she aims too high on the superficial, her chances are VERY slim with this and other important qualities.

My father once told me that different people like to get "loved" in different ways - or that some ways are stronger than others. Stay here with me now. Some people want physical affection, some people want time, some people want gifts (because people often spend money on those they care about), and the list goes on.

People are wired differently from others.

[mango tango]

Oh, and about the whole money thing since that is always such a wonderfully controversial topic - I will be the first to say that I don't like cheap and stingy guys. This doesn't mean I want the guy to try to buy my love - that rubs me the wrong way too. However, a generous guy (not just in money but in all things) will always be loved by women because it shows that whether she needs it or not, he wants to care for her.