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I agree completely, we're all here to gain some kind of insight, or to help others gain insight by expressing what we've been through.
A couple of the things you mentioned I disagree with, but on the whole, I don't see anything that any normal person wouldn't expect.
"He has to impress me" - Nothing wrong with that, I think of it as attraction. If you're not attracted to someone, then there will be no desire to go out with that person in the first place. In addition, I think the attraction should continue for as long as you're together - it's just part of the "magic" that happens..
"He cannot be overweight" - I disagree with this, but at the same time I do agree with it.. It goes back to the attraction thing. If I'm not attracted to someone who weighs more than me, well, I'm just not attracted to them. I don't think that it should be the main deciding factor though. I've seen some very beautiful ladies who are a bit on the large side. Thing is, they take care of themselves, and show a desire to be the best they can.
"He must be financially stable" - On this, I have to completely disagree with. If you combined that with a lack of desire to work, or in general just lazy, then I understand. But, I've met a lot of people who aren't financially stable but it's due to outside reasons, and has nothing to do with them. I think I just made a post about this in another thread.. ?
Number 4 and 5 are really both the same to me. "He has to show his appreciation. When I buy him something, I expect something in return." - I agree completely here. Having the feeling of appreciation is critical for a good relationship. It's the whole give and take side of things, if both people are in it for the greater good, then I think that those people will have a happy and healthy relationship. It's the little things in life that make life worth living..
Really, I don't think any of this is selfish at all. Only you know what makes you happy, if anyone has anything bad to say about it, well, foo on them. I think that everyone has certain things they look for in a relationship, and without those things I don't think that the relationship will reach its fullest potential. Still, we all have to compromise a little. If I have a list of things that I look for, and someone I meet has everything but one thing, well, I'm not going to rule them out because of it. If they make me happy, then I'll go with things for awhile. Who knows what might happen..
I looked through the posts and can't see what you are talking about.
Most only seem to state that women must be prepared to bring as much into a relationship. (If you read between the lines, they are saying "Sex isn't enough")
She has stated that she is prepared to do so.
If one wanted to be critical, the 5 items really break down as follows. As all men know, women generally look for the three superficial attributes, looks, money and an easy charm that comes from the confidence of having the first two. There is nothing inherently bad about these, if taken in moderation, but often this is not the case. PassTheChocolate does a good job of dressing them up in a palatable form, but this does not hide the fact that its how rigorously she applies her standards, that really counts. At the same time, nobody wants her to be stuck with an unemployed boor who she finds unattractive.
She did not state a hard dollar amount.
The remaining two points are mere a reiteration of the first. Not only does she want him to have money, but she wants him to spend it on her in some sort of "fair" manner. I have a problem with this one, as did another correspondent. IMHO, this is just wrong. Besides, constantly giving gifts and expecting reciprocation is a silly way to establish a successful relationship. However, only expecting to receive them is worse and at least she doesn't go down that road.
Well if that's what she wants then that's what she want's. If you can't handle it don't step up. One person should not do all the giving in a relationship.
She also wants him to be a charmer and at the same time charm her. This sounds like many divorces, where people exclaim "I can't believe she's leaving him. He's so nice!" They knew nothing about went on behind closed doors.
She wants a man with some class whats wrong with that?
These last two points make me wonder whether she's had some very poor experiences with men and doesn't trust them. Perhaps trustworthiness is what she should look for. However, that takes an approach that goes beyond the superficial and if she aims too high on the superficial, her chances are VERY slim with this and other important qualities.
Trust is an underlyng givin in all of this. People are coming from a position of scarcity on this; There's plenty of fish in the sea and I believe you don't have to settle.
In any relationship, it takes both parties to make it work. I do not understand why some people have these "lists" of demands of a potential partner, because no one is perfect and you're just setting yourself up for either loneliness or disappointment. You've just got to go with the flow sometimes and just use your judgment.
That's just it - if someone is looking for a "partner" they are looking for a counterpart - either someone who is very much like them or someone who complements them. No one wants to do all the giving, all the talking, all the everything. One might be better at earning money, the other at maintaining a house, one might change the tires, the other remember birthdays and events.
Unconditional love isn't something for a partner you want to build a life with, but it can be for other people like children.
As long as you only as what you're asking of others is the same as what you're prepared to put into a relationship yourself, I see no problem at all, aside from the fact that I don't like having pre-determined "lists" of what I expect from a prospective partner.
Round and round we go with the "lists". Take a look around CD. You'll see plenty of lists of what is sexy, what our favorite restaurants are, what activities we enjoy, what your deal breakers are - the "list" goes on and on. Seriously, if you cannot let go of the list issue, best to just drop it. You are hanging on to negatives that just don't exist in my particular case.
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Originally Posted by mongoslade223
Well you asked for haters, you got em
All it takes is a breath and they'll come out of the woodwork like cockroaches. Everything offends them.
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Originally Posted by BCreass
Who said that I have no standards? I do...but I prefer to just "go with the flow" and be open minded about people.
I have my standards too, they are on that list. I also go with the flow, or do you think that isn't possible?
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Originally Posted by Ivorytickler
We are all looking to get something out of relationships. We wouldn't put in the effort if we didn't. Sometimes, it's just getting to be with the person we want to be with. The more important it is for us to be with them, the more we'll do to keep the relationship going.
Yes, ma'am.
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Originally Posted by Aylalou
I have a friend who had certain expectations when she married her first husband. They were together 4 years before they married. She applied logic and practicality as to whom to choose. Her friends could see that this guy was putting on to meet her "expectations." They married. Four years later, he wanted out.....so he told her he had been with another woman, taking the easy way out.
What I'm trying to say it's OK to have certain expectations, but your heart has to play the biggest role in your relationship, so that when there are falters, you still go on loving. Personally, I don't like lists; I really don't think they work. People change, circumstances change, but, all the rest being equal, you still go on loving and persevering. That's how marriages last.
I agree.
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Originally Posted by LaoTzuMindFu
Okay, I think I am somewhat with you on 1-4 but number 5? Really? If you buy him something you expect something in return? Really? You arent just giving out of the kindness of your heart, but are hoping for a return?
I stated it gives me pleasure in knowing that I made him smile or made his day. That is my return. That is what's in it for me.
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Originally Posted by seven up
And when you are finished changing him = divorce.
It makes no sense to be with someone who did not meet my expectations. What exactly is the point of being with someone you have to change when you can have what you want?
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Originally Posted by NotARedneck
If one wanted to be critical, the 5 items really break down as follows. As all men know, women generally look for the three superficial attributes, looks, money and an easy charm that comes from the confidence of having the first two.
Here we go again.
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There is nothing inherently bad about these, if taken in moderation, but often this is not the case.
More of the same.
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PassTheChocolate does a good job of dressing them up in a palatable form, but this does not hide the fact that its how rigorously she applies her standards, that really counts.
And why would I do this exactly? To endear myself to whom? I don't apply my standards any more rigorously than you and your dog-pound insist they are not what I present them to be.
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At the same time, nobody wants her to be stuck with an unemployed boor who she finds unattractive.
I wonder.
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Not only does she want him to have money, but she wants him to spend it on her in some sort of "fair" manner.
That entire statement has gold-digger written all over it. What you underlined is your focus. I'll ask you to back it up with a quote from any of my posts on this topic. Take your time.
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I have a problem with this one, as did another correspondent. IMHO, this is just wrong.
It would be wrong if any of what you are asserting is accurate.
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Besides, constantly giving gifts and expecting reciprocation is a silly way to establish a successful relationship.
This is true, who does this?
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However, only expecting to receive them is worse and at least she doesn't go down that road.
Strike up a point for the choc!
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This sounds like many divorces, where people exclaim "I can't believe she's leaving him. He's so nice!" They knew nothing about went on behind closed doors.
Do you know what goes on behind mine?
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These last two points make me wonder whether she's had some very poor experiences with men and doesn't trust them. Perhaps trustworthiness is what she should look for.
I have had bad and good experiences. And trustworthiness is what I am looking for, along with everything else.
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However, that takes an approach that goes beyond the superficial and if she aims too high on the superficial, her chances are VERY slim with this and other important qualities.
Tell me what should the approach be, since you know more about me and what I want, and all men and women.
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Originally Posted by malamute
That's just it - if someone is looking for a "partner" they are looking for a counterpart - either someone who is very much like them or someone who complements them. No one wants to do all the giving, all the talking, all the everything. One might be better at earning money, the other at maintaining a house, one might change the tires, the other remember birthdays and events.
Unconditional love isn't something for a partner you want to build a life with, but it can be for other people like children.
PassTheChocolate, as simple and fundamental as your list is (if you want to call it that) this thread shows that it's too much for some, and that's pretty surprising. Although, given all the whining that goes on in this forum it shoudn't be.
PassTheChocolate, as simple and fundamental as your list is (if you want to call it that) this thread shows that it's too much for some, and that's pretty surprising. Although, given all the whining that goes on in this forum it shoudn't be.
I said pretty much the same earlier in the post, Its not so much the
whining, but the inability to grasp. The gold digger remarks
There just clueless.
I said pretty much the same earlier in the post, Its not so much the
whining, but the inability to grasp. The gold digger remarks
There just clueless.
That goes hand-in-hand with the whining.
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