i am accused that my love is conditional, does it make sense? (dating, boyfriend)

[alohaha]

I broke up with my bf, the major reasons are:

1. I don't like his friends. his friends' lives are a mess, no proper jobs, knock up their girlfriends, play video games all the time, etc.

2. he doesn't work hard. he has been trying to figure out what he wants to do for a while and we were together for 5 months. He did find a job because I was pushing him on this, but he is complaining about the job and is trying to find another one, etc.

so i broke up with him, because i don't feel secured, how can he and i have a life together if he is not financially responsible? he accused me of giving him conditional love, because I am supposed to be with him while he figures out his work stuff. He thinks that I don't have faith in him.

I don't know how to argue with that. I just felt that I am just being realistic, any girl would want security and know that her man can be dependable, all I am asking him to have is to have a stable income and a proper job, is this too much???

[Currency Pair Crocodile]

The current financial meltdown is the perfect happy hunting ground for a financial stability test

[AllAboutEve]

Be with him because you want to be with him. Don't stay because he's making you feel guilty, don't stay out of pity, stay because that's what you really want to do.

If you don't think its going to work and your heart is not in it - then you won't be doing him a favor if you give in.

[allforcats]

The best definition of love I ever saw is this: I love what I'm like when I'm with him. Real, isn't it?

"Unconditional" love doesn't mean you agree with every tiny detail about another person. That's impossible -- otherwise the two people would be only one person. Impossible. What unconditional love is about is enjoying the other person with delight, feeling safe and completely unthreatened, giving the other safety and never threatening, feeling he's on your side, showing him you're on his side. And you demand nothing of him and he demands nothing of you.

" ... Love in the open hand, no thing but that,
Ungemmed [uncomplicated], unhidden, wishing not to hurt,
As one should bring you cowslips in a hat,
Swung from the hand, or apples in her skirt,
I bring to you, calling out as children do:
'Look what I have! And these are all for you.' "
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay


Love in the open hand means you hold back nothing, you give freely and openly, the other is free to enjoy it or leave it alone. And you both are free. Gentle. Sweet. Calm. Joyous.

I wish you joy!

[mir86]

If you love him despite his difficulties then you should stay with him, that is what he means by conditional, because if you love someone unconditionally, there are no conditions under what you will love them for. If you simply don't love him and all these issues together make you love him less, than both of you deserve to move on.

I might sound really harsh for saying this, but this economy is an excuse to be financially irresponsible. People are used to pretending to be rich all the time that they don't know how to cut back when they have to. All you have to do is cut back on things you don't absolutely need (like a tanning membership, nice car or fancy clothes, etc), re-evaluate your budget and spending, take any job you can, even if its McDonalds if that's what it's gonna take to put food on the table. That's what I did, and that's what everyone else is doing (except i don't work at McDonalds). I don't think a girl should be picky about what type of job her partner has in these economic times (or ever really), so long as he's doing what it takes to be responsible, without being a drug dealer . yes there are some cases where its just not enough, but I don't mean those people..because those are the ones doing everything they can, not making excuses.

If your boyfriend just has no motivation, and finds dumb reasons to leave his jobs, then I would feel unsafe too, especially when you have yourself to worry about too. Good luck with whatever happens!

[Andreams]

Originally Posted by alohaha

I broke up with my bf, the major reasons are:

1. I don't like his friends. his friends' lives are a mess, no proper jobs, knock up their girlfriends, play video games all the time, etc.

2. he doesn't work hard. he has been trying to figure out what he wants to do for a while and we were together for 5 months. He did find a job because I was pushing him on this, but he is complaining about the job and is trying to find another one, etc.

so i broke up with him, because i don't feel secured, how can he and i have a life together if he is not financially responsible? he accused me of giving him conditional love, because I am supposed to be with him while he figures out his work stuff. He thinks that I don't have faith in him.

I don't know how to argue with that. I just felt that I am just being realistic, any girl would want security and know that her man can be dependable, all I am asking him to have is to have a stable income and a proper job, is this too much???

After only 5 months, I wouldn't be worrying too much about figuring out if you can build a life together. Don't let his hardship of finding a job stop you from being with him, IF that is what you really want.

But, if you see your future responding negatively to him being in your life, you should feel no guilt in breaking up with them. Don't base your love for him on whichever job he holds. Base it on HIM. We all want stability, but it's a two way street. There may be a time in your life that your future husband gets laid off, and I would hope that you would still love and support him in a hard time, even without a "proper" job.

It's one thing if he was doing whatever job he had to in order to provide, and complain here and there. I wouldn't want to be with a guy that had absolutely no drive to contribute, and had to be pressured into working. That doesn't sound healthy to me.

From how you described him, it sounds like you made a good choice in breaking up with him.

[UrbanBlasphemy]

Two things:

Yes, you did put conditions on things...

But, here's the second thing. Everyone has their conditions for dating. Hell, I do.. I don't want to just pick some random chick without having some idea of what I'm looking for. That's what dating is all about - finding that person who fits you perfectly. Sure, there will be minor things that don't fit, but overall, you should be happy with the person your with. If you're not, then move on until you do find the person you're most happy with. Then you'll fall in love.. get married.. have kids.. start drinking..

Ok, maybe not the drinking thing, but you get my point.

Once you really fall in love and devote yourself to the other person, conditions no longer apply. You will have gotten through all of that by this time..

It doesn't sound like you've been happy with this guy, so put the past in the past and forget about it. You don't have any obligation anymore to argue with him about anything.. Just let it go.

I will say this though, don't set all of your expectations to revolve around financial security. While that's important, it's not really relevant. That's just a small part of who a person is. When I moved back to Tulsa, I gave up a job where I was making 56,000 a year for working four days a week. My first two years here I was lucky to make 15,000 a year.. But, I was working for my parents for free because they needed the help or their business would go under. I wasn't financially secure, but I think that what I was doing was a little more important than myself. And not every girl just wants security.. most of the girls that I've met want something more than that: love..

Anyway, I hope that answered your question.. I wish ya the best..

[NotARedneck]

Originally Posted by Antlered Chamataka

The current financial meltdown is the perfect happy hunting ground for a financial stability test

I can't say that I agree with the way you put it but perhaps you mean that it will get people thinking more about financial stability (jobs, spending, debt, planning) and it will also separate "the men from the boys".

Unreliable partners in the good times become a nightmare in the bad.

[NotARedneck]

Originally Posted by allforcats

The best definition of love I ever saw is this: I love what I'm like when I'm with him.

Wealthy, good looking men make their women feel smug, superior, successful and vain. This feels good but these relationships have a high failure rate. Most feel like they're depressed, when its done.

Originally Posted by allforcats

Real, isn't it?

Yes. Too real!

[sueprnova]

we are human...our love IS conditional...we are not capable of anything else