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Old 08-06-2009, 11:26 AM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,752 posts, read 4,653,622 times
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Default Transition from best friend to significant other...

I've been best friends with a guy for 4 years, and recently we've both been "hinting" to start something more. We already made the promise that if neither of us are married by the time we're in our late 30's, we'd get married (explanation below). Let me preface this question by telling you a little bit about us:

We're absolutely perfect for each other in nearly every way possible, from our pasts, our careers, our family life, our passions in life, the way we like to spend our time, our social groups, religion, morals, etc. We spend nearly every day and evening together, we spend hours on the phone every week, and we are really the only one each other trusts. There is one major difference/disagreement between us (kids vs. no kids), and that is the reason we really shouldn't have anything happen until later on in our lives.

My question is: has anyone had to make the transition between best friend to significant other? How do you suggest we go about doing this so as not to ruin the relationship we have now. Is it a horrible idea to even try to progress, or should we stay right where we are?
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Old 08-06-2009, 11:49 AM
 
7,281 posts, read 7,749,611 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MAtheBanker View Post
My question is: has anyone had to make the transition between best friend to significant other? How do you suggest we go about doing this so as not to ruin the relationship we have now. Is it a horrible idea to even try to progress, or should we stay right where we are?
I don't think it's necessarily a horrible idea, but obviously there are huge risks involved. The biggest one is what happens if things don't work out. Can you easily go back to being best friends or will things always be awkward afterward. In a way, it may be too late already. If both of you are hinting at wanting something more, things may already be awkward. And if one of you started seeing someone else, how would the other react?

It's one thing to start off as friends with someone and have it turn into something more. That's how most of my relationships have started. But to have it be your best friend is something else entirely. If you decide to go down this road, be sure there's no obvious deal breakers. You mentioned that you're on different pages with respect to kids. If you can't find agreement on an issue like that, then why risk it if you know it won't work out in the long run? I got involved with someone who was one of my best friends. It didn't work out. Thankfully, it wasn't a bad breakup where we ended up hating each other. But at the same time, there was no going back. I lost one of my best friends. I don't regret getting involved with her, despite how it turned out.
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Old 08-06-2009, 11:59 AM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,752 posts, read 4,653,622 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane View Post
I don't think it's necessarily a horrible idea, but obviously there are huge risks involved. The biggest one is what happens if things don't work out. Can you easily go back to being best friends or will things always be awkward afterward. In a way, it may be too late already. If both of you are hinting at wanting something more, things may already be awkward. And if one of you started seeing someone else, how would the other react?

It's one thing to start off as friends with someone and have it turn into something more. That's how most of my relationships have started. But to have it be your best friend is something else entirely. If you decide to go down this road, be sure there's no obvious deal breakers. You mentioned that you're on different pages with respect to kids. If you can't find agreement on an issue like that, then why risk it if you know it won't work out in the long run? I got involved with someone who was one of my best friends. It didn't work out. Thankfully, it wasn't a bad breakup where we ended up hating each other. But at the same time, there was no going back. I lost one of my best friends. I don't regret getting involved with her, despite how it turned out.
I would guess that we'd be fine if things did work out. We're both extremely laid back and don't make a big deal out of small things, which is why we've never had a real argument in 4 years. I can't say for sure that we'd be ok going back to best friends, because I've never been in this situation before. The kids thing may or may not be a big deal, because he's said he would adopt if he ever really wanted kids, he just doesn't want bring more kids into this already messed-up world. I'm not in a huge hurry, and definitely don't want to rush things, I just wanted to get other people's opinions...
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Old 08-06-2009, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Reno
1,911 posts, read 2,436,943 times
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first of all, dont do the "if by xxxx age we are still single, lets get married" thing. the best advice someone gave me was to not try to live your life like you were in a movie. i used to very much have the same way of thinking about marrying someone just because i couldnt find someone else, but had a great friendship with a guy.

personally, i would love to end up having a romance with a best friend because i like the idea of combing a best friend with a boyfriend/husband. however, some arent too into that idea. i spoke to a guy i dated once (and someone remembered friendly with) about this. he said he would never combine the two, and he likes having a guy as his best friend and wouldnt want a girlfriend or wife being in the best friend position.

if you are fine with the transition, check out if your friend is. he may or not be into it.
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Old 08-06-2009, 02:32 PM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,503 posts, read 13,203,374 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MAtheBanker View Post
I've been best friends with a guy for 4 years, and recently we've both been "hinting" to start something more. We already made the promise that if neither of us are married by the time we're in our late 30's, we'd get married (explanation below). Let me preface this question by telling you a little bit about us:
How dull.

Why not start dating and meet someone you really care about?
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Old 08-06-2009, 02:42 PM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Woof Woof Woof! View Post
How dull.

Why not start dating and meet someone you really care about?

That's me! Dull, drama-free, stress-free, and sane. Who knew!

Aaand, I do care about him. That's the point.
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Old 08-06-2009, 02:50 PM
 
Location: Some place very cold
5,503 posts, read 13,203,374 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MAtheBanker View Post
That's me! Dull, drama-free, stress-free, and sane. Who knew!

Aaand, I do care about him. That's the point.
There's a difference between "caring" and "passion."

If you wanted to be with him, you would have done so four years ago and you wouldn't be posting this thread!
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Old 08-06-2009, 02:55 PM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,752 posts, read 4,653,622 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Woof Woof Woof! View Post
There's a difference between "caring" and "passion."

If you wanted to be with him, you would have done so four years ago and you wouldn't be posting this thread!

Four years ago I was still a teenager. No one should be in a serious relationship until they're mature...and I wasn't at that time.
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Old 08-06-2009, 03:01 PM
 
Location: Houston, TX
15,124 posts, read 14,154,866 times
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Sounds like nature has put you on the path anyway. Go forth if both of you are thinking about it. Unfortunately there is no turning back. If it doesnt work out, you will lose a friend and feel quite empty until you meet someone else. If it does you will be very happy and wonder why you didnt start earlier. Good Luck.
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Old 08-06-2009, 03:06 PM
 
Location: East Valley, AZ
3,752 posts, read 4,653,622 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oildog View Post
Sounds like nature has put you on the path anyway. Go forth if both of you are thinking about it. Unfortunately there is no turning back. If it doesnt work out, you will lose a friend and feel quite empty until you meet someone else. If it does you will be very happy and wonder why you didnt start earlier. Good Luck.

Thanks!
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