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Redisca, I don't think that mid-life crisis is an entirely male phenomenon. I think that women mature before men... By the time he faces his mid-life crisis, she's already gone to her enlightening journey and back. Maybe her (our) midlife crisis is not so defined, belonging to a certain time period. Maybe it's more latent and spread over years, while we are toiling at work, at home, with kids, trying to solve the "happiness" question, and quietly arriving at a solution, for us. But, we can't take "them" with us, since it's a very personal journey.
Redisca, I don't think that mid-life crisis is an entirely male phenomenon. I think that women mature before men... By the time he faces his mid-life crisis, she's already gone to her enlightening journey and back. Maybe her (our) midlife crisis is not so defined, belonging to a certain time period. Maybe it's more latent and spread over years, while we are toiling at work, at home, with kids, trying to solve the "happiness" question, and quietly arriving at a solution, for us. But, we can't take "them" with us, since it's a very personal journey.
I think the likelier explanation is that it is not nearly as socially acceptable for a woman to have a mid-life crisis as it is for a man. You are right -- women do work through their own "issues" while toiling at work, at home and with kids, as opposed to just unilaterally taking a vacation from it all -- but that is not due to some inherent female nature, but simply because this is as much as public opinion will allow us. It gives men much more leeway, I'd say. Just imagine the reaction to this story had the genders been reversed.
The comments to this story are just priceless. Most have commended this woman for realizing the whole thing wasn't about her and her happiness -- it was about her husband and his happiness. Which also explains why men go through "mid-life crises", and women do not. Because at the end of the day, it's all about men and men's happiness, not women and women's happiness -- that's why.
Ya know, I usually don't follow the little links, just because most of the time I just don't have the time it takes to read all of them.. but this one, wow. The author made things so vivid and alive that one cannot help but notice. That's exactly the way things should be handled.. No arguing, no fighting, no pointing figures.. just patience and love..
I think the likelier explanation is that it is not nearly as socially acceptable for a woman to have a mid-life crisis as it is for a man. You are right -- women do work through their own "issues" while toiling at work, at home and with kids, as opposed to just unilaterally taking a vacation from it all -- but that is not due to some inherent female nature, but simply because this is as much as public opinion will allow us. It gives men much more leeway, I'd say. Just imagine the reaction to this story had the genders been reversed.
The comments to this story are just priceless. Most have commended this woman for realizing the whole thing wasn't about her and her happiness -- it was about her husband and his happiness. Which also explains why men go through "mid-life crises", and women do not. Because at the end of the day, it's all about men and men's happiness, not women and women's happiness -- that's why.
Actually I think she was thinking about her kids and the family as a whole. Most people are not secure enough within themselves to have put forth good reason as she did in this situation. She wasn't going to put up with it forever. She gave herself a deadline of six months. She felt she knew her husband well enough to see how it would play itself out before she took any kind of action.
"LET’S say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. You’re still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s — gazing into each other’s eyes in candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny — have for the most part come true.
Moderator cut: Please post a snippet of the article and link to it, not full text.
It annoys me when people have the notion that marriage is all about children. I cannot believe how many times children were referenced during an article about a marriage.
It's obvious to me that the reason the man in the story was not happy is that he has been a second class citizen to his children all of their lives. He is there to go to work, bring home the check and "help with the children". Let's forget about his dreams, hopes and desires shall we? It's all about the children after all.
No wonder the divorce rate is at 50 percent. Marriage is about a man and a woman not children.
My Dad said something similar to my Mom back in the day, i.e. "I don't love you anymore." He walked and my Mom, my brother, and I were devastated. It felt like the end of the world but after a couple of years we managed and we thrived. After reading this story frankly I'm disgusted.
If that guy were my Dad, I make his every waking moment following his return a living hell. He's a punk and the writer practically endorsed his behavior - he walks away because he's having a crisis and she gives him a pass? He has an obligation to his family; he abdicated his responsibilties - he gets no respect.
Actually I think she was thinking about her kids and the family as a whole. Most people are not secure enough within themselves to have put forth good reason as she did in this situation. She wasn't going to put up with it forever. She gave herself a deadline of six months. She felt she knew her husband well enough to see how it would play itself out before she took any kind of action.
... and in doing so, she sent the message that he can walk out on his family and treat them like dirt every once in a while, and have an affair (she doesn't say it, but the account makes it almost a certainty that he had an affair), as long as he only does it a few months at a time. She also sent the message that in the future, he can extract concessions from her by acting like a brute. This is absolutely one of the worst ways to conduct oneself in a marriage. When your husband is wonderful to you and the children, when he is doting on you -- that's the time when you should give him "space" and let him have his "toys" to the extent that you can afford them. By contrast, when he tells you that he doesn't love you and starts trampling on you -- that's not the right moment to become the model wife. If you do that, then your husband will know that the way for him to negotiate more "space", better ironed shirts, more elaborate meals and a total accommodation of his whims is to push you around a bit. Or a lot. In the future, he will expect rewards for his misconduct as his due -- and since like all people, he is bound to be fond of rewards, misconduct is assured. And I am not even touching the subject of how all this reinforces the misogynistic belief (often voiced on this forum, as you might have noticed) that women respond favorably to being treated badly, and that therefore, the best way for a man to get a loving and accommodating wife or girlfriend, is to treat her like crap.
Unlike the author of the article, I don't work with animals, so I cannot comment on horse behavior -- though I must say, by making that analogy, she manages to be at once submissive and condescending. (Which actually illuminates the passive-aggressive nature of the "traditional" relationship in which the wife renounces her own personal wants and needs and dedicates herself to accommodating her husband's.) But I do know this about people: in all relationships, people regardless of age and gender, men, women, children, will from time to time push the envelope by acting badly and see what they can get away with and if they can shift the balance of power in their favor. (And unfortunately, our best intentions notwithstanding, power is an aspect of every human relationship, no matter how loving and intimate.) Children scream and roll on the floor looking to see if they can set the pattern of getting their way by screaming and rolling on the floor, which is certainly easier than doing chores, for example. Adults will experiment with cruelty, infidelity and overspending to see if they can get their spouses to put up with awful behavior by only slightly improving it -- which is exactly what happened in this case, where the husband is still apparently mistreating his family, but the wife is fawning over him because he is mistreating them somewhat less than before. That's why, the key to having a healthy and happy relationship, one in which you aren't reduced to a doormat, seething with indignation in private while putting on a mask of fake appreciation is never to reward bad behavior, ever. Not even a little.
This woman did a disservice to herself and set a bad example for her children. She didn't "put forth good reason". The only thing she put forth was a rather pitiful rationalization for not standing up for herself and her family. Her husband played on her understandable terror of finding herself alone in middle age -- and did so successfully.
It annoys me when people have the notion that marriage is all about children. I cannot believe how many times children were referenced during an article about a marriage.
It's obvious to me that the reason the man in the story was not happy is that he has been a second class citizen to his children all of their lives. He is there to go to work, bring home the check and "help with the children". Let's forget about his dreams, hopes and desires shall we? It's all about the children after all.
No wonder the divorce rate is at 50 percent. Marriage is about a man and a woman not children.
20yrsinBranson
I agree whole-heartedly. I also would have liked to hear the husband's side of the story. And as I explained in my previous post, I think the wife acted very foolishly when she decided to give him a little more room to play only after he became, well, an awful husband. I have a gnawing suspicion that this man was exploited while he was nice -- and now he knows the way to have any breathing room at all is by being a jerk. A model marriage indeed. I don't see any wisdom in any of this.
It annoys me when people have the notion that marriage is all about children. I cannot believe how many times children were referenced during an article about a marriage.
It's obvious to me that the reason the man in the story was not happy is that he has been a second class citizen to his children all of their lives. He is there to go to work, bring home the check and "help with the children". Let's forget about his dreams, hopes and desires shall we? It's all about the children after all.
No wonder the divorce rate is at 50 percent. Marriage is about a man and a woman not children.
20yrsinBranson
Where is a reference to him being a second-class citizen for 20 years? How about the wife being a second-class citizen, alongside with him, since they've done all the things families do, together?
Branson, I know your general adversity to children, - however, I think you sublimated the motherly love towards your husband. I remember a couple of your posts, one your thread about speaking baby talk to each other, the other that you would want to die if your hubby dies.
These are exactly what mothers do and how they feel about their children. You still have those capacities, you just directed them towards your husband.
That is fine with me if, you sublimated and re-directed your feelings on a grown man, but don't spread your generalizations on families with children - because you have it all - a child, a husband, and God in one man. Doesn't sound very healthy, does it?
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