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Old 08-14-2009, 09:10 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,555 posts, read 3,940,073 times
Reputation: 8512
Quote:
Originally Posted by max's mama View Post
The deadline is saying nothing to me. Just because she "said" that she gave a deadline of six months doesn't mean that she would have stuck to it if the time came.
It means something to me that she didn't react in a knee-jerk fashion. Why wouldn't I believe what she said? It sounds logical to me. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

The bottom line is that only the people involved know how they feel, what they want to do, and how they want to handle it. We're all too quick to judge others.
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Old 08-14-2009, 09:11 PM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,330,437 times
Reputation: 7860
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aylalou View Post
I have known couples who thought they didn't love each other anymore because so many things get in the way or they want that first feeling back that they had when they started out. Some of these couples had to work through these problems and came back together, renewed. This is not to say that this particular couple will succeed at that; who's to know? We also don't know really know what goes on between them.
That's right. We don't know, therefore I cannot honestly say that this woman is such a genious, I don't know his side of a story.
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Old 08-14-2009, 09:13 PM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,330,437 times
Reputation: 7860
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aylalou View Post
It means something to me that she didn't react in a knee-jerk way. Why wouldn't I believe what she said? I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.
I believe what she said. What I'm saying is that we don't know what would have happened if 6 months passed and he would still be acting this way. We don't know if she would have stuck to her deadline.
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Old 08-14-2009, 09:16 PM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 9,330,437 times
Reputation: 7860
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aylalou View Post
It means something to me that she didn't react in a knee-jerk fashion. Why wouldn't I believe what she said? It sounds logical to me. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

The bottom line is that only the people involved know how they feel, what they want to do, and how they want to handle it. We're all too quick to judge others.
You are mistaken. I'm not judging and I said that clearly in my last post. As I said, it's not for me to judge what was right for her family. I was saying that for me that wouldn't work.

Eta: the thing is, what I would rather have seen is this:
she let him leave
he explored his life.
she explored her life
he came back and said: I'm such a damn fool. I love you like crazy. Scratch everything I said. You are the best woman in the world. I want to come back and be there for you forever.

How can you find satisfaction in something she had to work for so hard and put up with so much?
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Old 08-14-2009, 09:50 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,555 posts, read 3,940,073 times
Reputation: 8512
Your points are well taken. I just don't know how high or low her tolerance, patience, and love are. We are all different. I have no choice but to take her word for what she's written and how she seems to feel about it. How could I do otherwise? I am speaking about other posters who seem to "know" what happened above and beyond what the woman herself wrote, and those posters spill out a whole lot about their own issues.
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Old 08-14-2009, 09:54 PM
 
Location: Land of 10000 Lakes +
5,555 posts, read 3,940,073 times
Reputation: 8512
Quote:
Originally Posted by max's mama View Post
That's right. We don't know, therefore I cannot honestly say that this woman is such a genious, I don't know his side of a story.
I never thought of her as a genius - that has more to do with intellect than with character. In my opinion it's silly to say whether or not she would have stuck to her word of giving it six months. It sounds reasonable to me. Why would I doubt it?
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Old 08-15-2009, 06:52 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
43,277 posts, read 51,756,487 times
Reputation: 35443
Quote:
Originally Posted by nuala View Post
"LETíS say you have what you believe to be a healthy marriage. Youíre still friends and lovers after spending more than half of your lives together. The dreams you set out to achieve in your 20s ó gazing into each otherís eyes in candlelit city bistros when you were single and skinny ó have for the most part come true.

Moderator cut: Please post a snippet of the article and link to it, not full text.


http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fa...T5ruxguUIQmJeg
A fresh approach to an old problem - I liked it. It wouldn't work in every situation, but she knew her husband well enough to know it was worth a try, good for her.
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Old 08-15-2009, 07:10 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
12,680 posts, read 20,778,950 times
Reputation: 9765
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
A fresh approach to an old problem - I liked it. It wouldn't work in every situation, but she knew her husband well enough to know it was worth a try, good for her.
Agree! I'm very happy for her that her marriage stayed intact. Giving him ultimatums and throwing him out of the house would have only accomplished getting a divorce. And I have yet to see counseling save a marriage. Her actions worked for her, but every failing marriage is a unique situation. It just so happened that her husband was going through a mid-life crisis that didn't get too out of control.

I think that the article was helpful in terms of showing how one couple managed to keep it all together. And I think that it was right that she always brought up their children as their wellbeing is the responsibility of both parents. All too often, the divorcing dads are let off the parenting hook with only paying for child support.
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Old 08-15-2009, 07:15 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
43,277 posts, read 51,756,487 times
Reputation: 35443
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aylalou View Post
She loves him - warts and all and apparently isn't needy or insecure. I know of many marriages (especially of that many years) that, at some point or another - there is doubt about loving the other; one wants to leave or take a time out. Two humans living together is not easy. A timeout isn't always bad, you know, because it gives a person a chance to figure things out as to what he or she really wants. Space is the great savior of many a marriage, and not necessarily leaving the home. Many a man has said his garage workbench has saved a marriage. People can drive each other crazy just because they are with that same person day after day, night after night. If someone needs a timeout, maybe that is the best course - to see if a marriage can be saved and how one really feels. Distance creates the best perspective, the same as when we take a vacation, we return home with a somewhat fresh perspective.

Most men show their love in the acts they perform, and fixing up a house or doing some like task is one of the ways of demonstrating that.

He obviously realized he loved her and what he had with her. She knew it all along.

"you must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Aylalou again"

hey, I tried
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