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Very weird article. The first thing that struck me was how she presented HER thoughts (eloquent) and how she presented HIS statements (HUH? repeatedly). She belittles the pain he is feeling and decides to handle it like she would a "child's tantrum." And then she regales us with examples of how strong she really is -- in other words, she doesn't need him.
This woman has broken her husband like one of her horses. She may have him under the same roof but doubtful that she'll ever see the light of love shine at her from his eyes. Note that nowhere in the article does it say he ever recanted what he told her.
She presents the fact that he's doing chores around the house and coming home at the regular time from work as evidence that she's won. Yep, she wore down his resolve and broke his spirit but she hasn't won him back. For whatever reason (we never hear his POV), he decided it was best to go along with her. So, he will join all of the other husbands with dull, unblinking eyes who follow their wives around at the mall. She may be crowing about her "victory," but I certainly wouldn't call it that.
And, now, she's telling the world all about what she did. There will probably be talk show interviews and maybe even a book deal on the horizon. I really feel for this guy. I hope that at some point he can find someone who truly loves him.
... and in doing so, she sent the message that he can walk out on his family and treat them like dirt every once in a while, and have an affair (she doesn't say it, but the account makes it almost a certainty that he had an affair), as long as he only does it a few months at a time. She also sent the message that in the future, he can extract concessions from her by acting like a brute. This is absolutely one of the worst ways to conduct oneself in a marriage. When your husband is wonderful to you and the children, when he is doting on you -- that's the time when you should give him "space" and let him have his "toys" to the extent that you can afford them. By contrast, when he tells you that he doesn't love you and starts trampling on you -- that's not the right moment to become the model wife. If you do that, then your husband will know that the way for him to negotiate more "space", better ironed shirts, more elaborate meals and a total accommodation of his whims is to push you around a bit. Or a lot. In the future, he will expect rewards for his misconduct as his due -- and since like all people, he is bound to be fond of rewards, misconduct is assured. And I am not even touching the subject of how all this reinforces the misogynistic belief (often voiced on this forum, as you might have noticed) that women respond favorably to being treated badly, and that therefore, the best way for a man to get a loving and accommodating wife or girlfriend, is to treat her like crap.
Unlike the author of the article, I don't work with animals, so I cannot comment on horse behavior -- though I must say, by making that analogy, she manages to be at once submissive and condescending. (Which actually illuminates the passive-aggressive nature of the "traditional" relationship in which the wife renounces her own personal wants and needs and dedicates herself to accommodating her husband's.) But I do know this about people: in all relationships, people regardless of age and gender, men, women, children, will from time to time push the envelope by acting badly and see what they can get away with and if they can shift the balance of power in their favor. (And unfortunately, our best intentions notwithstanding, power is an aspect of every human relationship, no matter how loving and intimate.) Children scream and roll on the floor looking to see if they can set the pattern of getting their way by screaming and rolling on the floor, which is certainly easier than doing chores, for example. Adults will experiment with cruelty, infidelity and overspending to see if they can get their spouses to put up with awful behavior by only slightly improving it -- which is exactly what happened in this case, where the husband is still apparently mistreating his family, but the wife is fawning over him because he is mistreating them somewhat less than before. That's why, the key to having a healthy and happy relationship, one in which you aren't reduced to a doormat, seething with indignation in private while putting on a mask of fake appreciation is never to reward bad behavior, ever. Not even a little.
This woman did a disservice to herself and set a bad example for her children. She didn't "put forth good reason". The only thing she put forth was a rather pitiful rationalization for not standing up for herself and her family. Her husband played on her understandable terror of finding herself alone in middle age -- and did so successfully.
I don't see it that way, and I am sure glad I don't.
I don't know, call me crazy but this was a full blown manipulation...and I'm sorry, I just could never ever do that. If my husband said that to me, I would say: go...fly free...
I think he will do this again. I think he will leave at the end.
She allowed herself to be treated like crap. She could have used this to EXPLORE HER OWN HAPPIENESS, because hum...she is a human being too!
Great story. What a strong woman. Can't say I'd put myself through it, but it does make sense. It wasn't about her. But she loved him through it and that says a lot.
She loves him - warts and all and apparently isn't needy or insecure. I know of many marriages (especially of that many years) that, at some point or another - there is doubt about loving the other; one wants to leave or take a time out. Two humans living together is not easy. A timeout isn't always bad, you know, because it gives a person a chance to figure things out as to what he or she really wants. Space is the great savior of many a marriage, and not necessarily leaving the home. Many a man has said his garage workbench has saved a marriage. People can drive each other crazy just because they are with that same person day after day, night after night. If someone needs a timeout, maybe that is the best course - to see if a marriage can be saved and how one really feels. Distance creates the best perspective, the same as when we take a vacation, we return home with a somewhat fresh perspective.
Most men show their love in the acts they perform, and fixing up a house or doing some like task is one of the ways of demonstrating that.
He obviously realized he loved her and what he had with her. She knew it all along.
I don't know, call me crazy but this was a full blown manipulation...and I'm sorry, I just could never ever do that. If my husband said that to me, I would say: go...fly free...
I think he will do this again. I think he will leave at the end.
She allowed herself to be treated like crap. She could have used this to EXPLORE HER OWN HAPPIENESS, because hum...she is a human being too!
I think most women would feel the way you do. This woman doesn't allow herself to feel like crap. No woman who felt she was being treated like crap would say, "I don't buy it," because she'd be too busy feeling like crap. It doesn't sound to me like she needed to explore her own happiness; she sounds happy enough within herself to have waited to see how it all played out. She didn't have a problem; he did, and to make it her problem would have been dumb and the way most of us would have reacted. She was much too smart for that. She wasn't going to wait forever. As I said before, she gave HERSELF (not him) a deadline of six months; to me, this speaks of a very confident, secure, reasonable, and decisive woman. She wasn't going to wait on him; she was waiting on herself.
I'm not buying it. This is ALL her side of events ONLY. The fact that she portrayed him as a neanderthal barely capable of speech in the article and the fact that HIS side isn't included is bogus. This reads like her very own power trip, and he'll only be able to take so much before he splits.
Oh, and she should also realize that men also fix up the house when they think it might be put up for sale.
I smile, not in ridicule, but in how people (myself included, of course) bring themselves into their responses. You can get a sense of people's own lives in here.
I smile, not in ridicule, but in how people (myself included, of course) bring themselves into their responses. You can get a sense of people's own lives in here.
Aylalou, I speak logically (and as a former editor) and not from my own life. To print this one-sided story isn't responsible. This woman has humiliated her husband to the max and if the newspaper offered him equal time to comment (but he refused), then they should say so. If they didn't offer, then they behaved irresponsibly. And when the husband goes to work and faces ridicule from his coworkers, he'll lament his short-sightedness.
Sorry to ruin your "theory," but I've never been married and don't share any of these "experiences." However, I DO know couples who have split and they did some work on the home before they put it up for sale, obviously to get a better selling price. So, Ms. I'm-going-to-tame-my-husband better not count her chickens before they're hatched. You'd think she'd want him to say he really DOES love her and not have to read into what home repairs mean, in a way that supports only HER case, of course.
I think most women would feel the way you do. This woman doesn't allow herself to feel like crap. No woman who felt she was being treated like crap would say, "I don't buy it," because she'd be too busy feeling like crap. It doesn't sound to me like she needed to explore her own happiness; she sounds happy enough within herself to have waited to see how it all played out. She didn't have a problem; he did, and to make it her problem would have been dumb and the way most of us would have reacted. She was much too smart for that. She wasn't going to wait forever. As I said before, she gave HERSELF (not him) a deadline of six months; to me, this speaks of a very confident, secure, reasonable, and decisive woman. She wasn't going to wait on him; she was waiting on herself.
The deadline is saying nothing to me. Just because she "said" that she gave a deadline of six months doesn't mean that she would have stuck to it if the time came.
Look, she did what she thought was right for her family. Who am I to judge if it was right or wrong. What I'm saying is that for me that wouldn't work. I like freedom, I'm a free spirit myself and trying to manipulate the situation would not be my thing. He wants to leave? Fine - leave. I'll do my own thing.
ETA: oh, and just like Teatime said: wait until he reads this article and sees the game she played.
I have known couples who thought they didn't love each other anymore because so many things get in the way or they want that first feeling back that they had when they started out. Some of these couples had to work through these problems and came back together, renewed. This is not to say that this particular couple will succeed at that; who's to know? We also don't know really know what goes on between them.
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You can get a sense of people's own lives in here.
To print this one-sided story isn't responsible. This woman has humiliated her husband to the max and if the newspaper offered him equal time to comment (but he refused), then they should say so. If they didn't offer, then they behaved irresponsibly. And when the husband goes to work and faces ridicule from his coworkers, he'll lament his short-sightedness.
