Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Your wife deserves to know. And by that, I mean before you start plowing some twenty-something like an Iowa cornfield.
It is totally normal to pull your head up from the grindstone and wonder what it's all about. In fact, I would offer that it's far more sane that not doing so. Midlife crises, after all, are spiritual and existential in nature.
For men in their twenties, thirties and forties tend to define themselves by the work they do. Suddenly, in their forties, they want a little more dimension to their lives. Heck, last night, I talked to a friend of mine from church who just chukked 20+ as a computer systems guy to go into nursing school. He absolutely LOVES it, and his wife is supporting him every step of the way. A career is not a life sentence and, at the age of 45, you deserve the right to not hate going into work every day.
Here is a thought: what would have happened if you told your wife that you came across your ex from 40 years ago and you would like to contact her and find out how she is doing? This way you will kill the curiousity and stay honest? I mean after so many years of being with you, she has no reason not to trust you right?
It's just I think trying to suppress whatever feelings you have now is not going to work. You will just want to get in touch with this woman even more, eventually you will anyway.
Let's just get it out in the open and call it a day.
"Closure" as a concept is overrated in many circumstances and can serve to be a disappointment on many fronts. Why bother to contact someone whom you knew that long ago? You each charted new lives from the point where you diverged and she's not worth your time. Your wife deserves the young 60-year-old to whom she is married, so instead of wondering about some other woman, plan some spontaneous fun, trips, romantic dinners, etc. for you and your wife to share together. Rekindle your current marriage, rather than wondering about what could have been.
__________________
All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances; and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages.
~William Shakespeare (As You Like It Act II, Scene VII)
"Closure" as a concept is overrated in many circumstances and can serve to be a disappointment on many fronts. Why bother to contact someone whom you knew that long ago? You each charted new lives from the point where you diverged and she's not worth your time. Your wife deserves the young 60-year-old to whom she is married, so instead of wondering about some other woman, plan some spontaneous fun, trips, romantic dinners, etc. for you and your wife to share together. Rekindle your current marriage, rather than wondering about what could have been.
Yeah, I hate "closure," as a term. Because it assumes that life is supposed to be neat and tidy. It's not.
When I was young and insecure (although I thought I was mature and secure), a 20 year old girl
suddenly gave me the "let's see other people" deal. As a 22 year old, I did nothing to try to keep her, or very little. Devastated, it took me at least two years to get over her.
I think you need to stop casting this woman as the bad guy. You don't need to go back and see if she was "worth it" or tell her "she missed out". You dropped the ball and can't admit it to yourself. That doesn't make her the bad guy, that makes YOU the bad guy. You have to take a look at the reasons why you didn't fight for the relationship and forgive yourself. She has the life she wanted. You will make yourself look like a pathetic loser if you contact her with some whacked out, 40 year old grudge for being honest with you. You will also look like your life hasn't been happy at all but has been lived to spite someone who was just a concept in your head.
Another thing to consider she may have moved on because you were so passive. Do you want to confirm that for all these years you've been the same passive guy nursing fantasies instead of taking responsibility for your happiness? Don't go out like that, man! Work it out with a therapist!
cp... On a rational basis, I know what you are saying.
Emotionally, I'm off flying in another direction. Part of me wants to walk up to her now (1500 miles away) and say "F You, look at all I have now. You blew it".
Your response is timely for me. But, I can't figure out where these thoughts came from. I didn't ask for them, that's for sure.
At least for myself, I've found ZERO harm in getting in touch with ex's and the likes on Facebook..... There was actually a past flame that I had (like you) been thinking about every since I had lost contact with her and finally caught up with her on Facebook...
Ya know what? Yes, there IS such a thing as closure..... What I discovered (and hopefully you would discover) is that you have an epiphany and realize how inappropriate it would be to bring up anything about past feelings and such and you turn out to not really have much to discuss except the occasional little joke about someone's status or whatever....
Through this I have personally realized a big, "So what?" as far as what I missed out on or whatever..... You know what? Their life is hardly any different from yours as it turns out..... They look happy, your (in general) happy, so eventually it just dies a quiet and peaceful death.....
Anyway, choose your own path, but it was a good thing for me to do.
There are so many mediocre counselors out there. You can spend a couple thousand easy going from one to another trying to find one that has some talent
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Problem is
