She just wants us to be "dating" and not in a "relationship". (wife, girlfriend)

[secret4777]

I work two jobs (one full-time and the other part-time). I met this lady while at my second job. I have been dating her for the past two months. She has been trying to get into the Army, but she doesn't know if she will get in. She said awhile back that I can call her my girlfriend, so I was thinking that we were finally in a relationship now. We would go to dinner, watch a movie sometimes, and even go to church together. But on Wednesday night after dinner, she said that she doesn't know what she wants.

She said that my father would want me to marry someone who is a Nigerian Catholic. She also mentioned that my father's blessing is important. I am a 32 year old single black man who has never married, and she is a 37 year old white single mom who was twice divorced with a daughter. My parents don't want me to marry a white person, especially since she is 5 years older than me and already has a child with someone else. But even if my parents don't approve of us going out, I told her that I don't care what my parents think. She has been divorced twice, and her in-laws from her second marriage (her ex-husbands parents) didn't approve of her either, since she had a child who was black. She spent the past 18 years raising her child, working, and going to school. She currently lives with her parents.

Now that her daughter is away to college, she wants to be focused on herself and not have to compromise with someone else in a relationship. She said that she just wants us to be "dating". I understand that she wants to be focused on herself, especially since she spent so many years focusing on her daugher, but if she doesn't want to be in a relationship, then why does she want to date in the first place, especially if she is trying to get into the military anyway? You would think that if someone is trying to get into the military that they would avoid dating altogether since the military would require her to travel and be deployed in places far away. Isn't the whole point of dating to find someone to be in a relationship with? If she doesn't want to be in a relationship, then why does she keep calling me on the phone, want to have dinner with me, or spend time with me? It makes no sense. Why does she call me all the time wanting me to spend time with her? I love her so much, but I don't want to get hurt in the end. If I don't have a chance in this, why does she want to spend time with me?

[thatguy1]

Would your parents be more accepting of the relationship if you two had separate bathrooms and drinkning fountains?

Why do you care what your parents think? The issue is with GIjane you should be worrying about, bud.

[FourOhFive]

To me it sounds like she enjoys your company when it is convenient to her. She isn't looking for anything serious. Or maybe she is holding out for better but also knows that 40 is around the corner and she doesn't want to be alone at 40. You are her safety net.

[andreaspercheron]

Originally Posted by That-Guy

Would your parents be more accepting of the relationship if you two had separate bathrooms and drinkning fountains?

Why do you care what your parents think? The issue is with GIjane you should be worrying about, bud.

ouch!!! but, I agree LOL

[andreaspercheron]

And more from me.... the thing is that at your age, you need to be able to be comfortable with your own decision and clearly you are not. So, because you are worried about what your parents think, maybe it's time you let them pick a girlfriend / future wife for you.

[secret4777]

I want to be with her regardless of how my parents feel about it. I would NEVER let my parents choose my wife for me, especially after the personal issues I have had with them. I told my girlfriend that I love her, but she said that love is a strong word, and we need to know each other more. She also said that she doesn't know what she wants at this point in her life. But we kissed and kissed several times, and she left me a voicemail on my cell phone this morning so she must still be interested in me. But I keep getting mixed signals.

[cdubs3201]

Originally Posted by secret4777

But on Wednesday night after dinner, she said that she doesn't know what she wants.

There's two versions of the English language that are spoken here in America. One is standard english, the second is Womanese.

This quote is translated Womanese for "I know what I want, and it's not to be with you".

How else is she going to tell you this? She basically wants to keep a man around (you) while she finds someone else. She wants to reap the benefits of your company and support until she finds a man she DOES want.

If women like you, they want to be with you and they want to lock you in so that no other woman can have you. She could care less if you found another woman. Her agenda does not benefit you.

You're a smart man, you're afraid of getting hurt by this woman, and you damn well should be. She's setting you up for pain. Break it off, date another woman.

Edit: don't ever be the first one to say "I love you". This scared her away, or it told her that she can have you easy, you're no fun now, she doesn't have to chase you to get you. Another point of dating for women (and some men): it's more fun if they have to chase. Some people want what they can't have.

[andreaspercheron]

Ok, all kidding aside, if you are getting mixed signals then trust your instincts. Chances are you are not the only guy she is sharing her affections with and like men do sometimes, it's possible she is playing the field. When someone wants something as much as you do,you will know. Obviously this girl doesn't know what she wants and she is either playing you or she is just that confused and in this case, it might be reasonable for you to back off a bit and let her figure things out for herself.

[thatguy1]

Originally Posted by cdubs3201

There's two versions of the English language that are spoken here in America. One is standard english, the second is Womanese.

Haha, "Womanese". I wonder if Rosetta Stone carries that in the 3 peice DVD set?

[secret4777]

Originally Posted by andreaspercheron

Ok, all kidding aside, if you are getting mixed signals then trust your instincts. Chances are you are not the only guy she is sharing her affections with and like men do sometimes, it's possible she is playing the field. When someone wants something as much as you do,you will know. Obviously this girl doesn't know what she wants and she is either playing you or she is just that confused and in this case, it might be reasonable for you to back off a bit and let her figure things out for herself.

We talk on the phone almost everyday, and when I say that I miss her, she says that she misses me too. But when I say that I love her, she says that love is a strong word and that we need to get to know each other more. I usually wait until she calls me on the phone or leaves me a voicemail. I will just talk to her in casual conversations and perhaps have dinner with her from time to time and see how everything turns out.