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Finally, after another argument on Sunday, claiming she is tired of six years of accusations and/or mistrust she gives me an ultimatum.....either seek counseling over my trust issue or the marriage is over.
Am I the only one troubled by the "or the marriage is over" comment? I do think the OP has an issue he needs to work on, but the wife's willingness to put the marriage on the line suggests to me that there are some deep issues in that marriage, and the relationship is more tenuous than it might seem ...
Am I the only one troubled by the "or the marriage is over" comment? I do think the OP has an issue he needs to work on, but the wife's willingness to put the marriage on the line suggests to me that there are some deep issues in that marriage, and the relationship is more tenuous than it might seem ...
It doesn't bother me - she's probably fed up with the accusations and the BS. I would give the same ultimatum. Why would ANYBODY want to stay in a marriage where you aren't treated with respect, but rather accused and treated like an inmate?
I guess I'm the odd one out here... I gave up my single male friends soon after I married because over time I saw that they made my husband feel uncomfortable. He tried his best to be supportive of me still spending time with all my friends - male and female - but whenever the male friends would come around - the single ones - the air would definitely change in our home. He was a real trooper and really did try to be supportive, but he just really didn't like me spending time with single male guys unless he was also around.
So, I can understand the OP's feelings when his wife is communicating online with male friends that he does not know. I'm sure that if these guys were his friends, or mutal friends, or a married couple that he and his wife were both friends with, he wouldn't feel so upset. But the fact that he does not have relationships with these men, that they are men that his wife works with and spends time with without him being there... I can understand his being upset.
There are several things this husband can do... counseling is a great first step but not just for him - for his wife, too. If she really loves him, she will want to change behaviors, too, and come to some sort of compromise that both she and her husband can agree upon. The husband can also suggest inviting the work friends over for a bbq or out to dinner or something, so that everyone can meet and have the opportunity to feel comfortable with each other. Those are just two ideas...
Marriage is hard work and it does take sacrifice sometimes. If a person isn't willing to make sacrifices, they aren't ready for the commitment, maturity, and dedication that a marriage requires. If your wife isn't willing to work with you, and you with her, and come to an agreeable comprise or solution to this issue... it's probably best to go your separate ways unfortunately.
It doesn't bother me - she's probably fed up with the accusations and the BS. I would give the same ultimatum. Why would ANYBODY want to stay in a marriage where you aren't treated with respect, but rather accused and treated like an inmate?
I agree with you. It's just that, to me, the wife's ultimatum indicates where her mind is already at - she's ready (now) to be out of the marriage. Understandable. I think the OP needs to understand he may be waging an uphill battle. Once the crack appears (the ultimatum), it will widen ....
I agree with you. It's just that, to me, the wife's ultimatum indicates where her mind is already at - she's ready (now) to be out of the marriage. Understandable. I think the OP needs to understand he may be waging an uphill battle. Once the crack appears (the ultimatum), it will widen ....
or, the husband will see it (the ultimatum) as a wake-up call to address behavior on his part that is immature, unhealthy, and threatening to destroy the marriage; and he'll get his butt into counseling, and improve his relationship skills, and the relationship is saved and grows stronger. She's giving him an opportunity to save the marriage by addressing the problems that threaten it. It's up to him whether he takes that opportunity.
Am I the only one troubled by the "or the marriage is over" comment? I do think the OP has an issue he needs to work on, but the wife's willingness to put the marriage on the line suggests to me that there are some deep issues in that marriage, and the relationship is more tenuous than it might seem ...
Well, let me put it to you this way. If every time you smiled, talked, or had a phone conversation with the opposite sex, would you be okay with your SO having some kind of meltdown? What if this went on for years?
This isn't Riyadh. This is America, and people of the opposite sex mingle all the time. And in 99.9999% of those connections we make in everyday life with somebody of a different gender, there's not the slightest chance of any hanky-panky going on.
Trust me. I was in a six month relationship with a woman like this. She questioned every friendship and every working relationship I had with a woman. If I saw a female friend at the mall and said hello, Carol would just keep walking and give me the silent treatment for hours afterwards. So every other day, I found myself defending myself for the most innocent of statements and the most innocent friendships. It was simply exhausting.
The last straw? At my office party, she started talking to some female co-workers about a business trip I had taken with another female colleague (One where I had to check in with her every night at 10:30. It never occurred to her, of course, that wouldn't have prevented any mischief), and let slip her worries that I might have crossed the line while away. I wasn't standing there at that moment, but evidently all the women there started laughing uproariously, and said things along the lines of, "Him? We've all tried our best, but nothing doing." So then I got an earful from Carol how I should quit my very good job because three drunken co-workers had teased her on how I had NOT been seduced by them.
After that, I gave her the boot. And it was a shame, because I really, really loved her. But I knew the rest of my life would be sheer misery.
I guess I'm the odd one out here... I gave up my single male friends soon after I married because over time I saw that they made my husband feel uncomfortable. He tried his best to be supportive of me still spending time with all my friends - male and female - but whenever the male friends would come around - the single ones - the air would definitely change in our home. He was a real trooper and really did try to be supportive, but he just really didn't like me spending time with single male guys unless he was also around.
So, I can understand the OP's feelings when his wife is communicating online with male friends that he does not know. I'm sure that if these guys were his friends, or mutal friends, or a married couple that he and his wife were both friends with, he wouldn't feel so upset. But the fact that he does not have relationships with these men, that they are men that his wife works with and spends time with without him being there... I can understand his being upset.
There are several things this husband can do... counseling is a great first step but not just for him - for his wife, too. If she really loves him, she will want to change behaviors, too, and come to some sort of compromise that both she and her husband can agree upon. The husband can also suggest inviting the work friends over for a bbq or out to dinner or something, so that everyone can meet and have the opportunity to feel comfortable with each other. Those are just two ideas...
Marriage is hard work and it does take sacrifice sometimes. If a person isn't willing to make sacrifices, they aren't ready for the commitment, maturity, and dedication that a marriage requires. If your wife isn't willing to work with you, and you with her, and come to an agreeable comprise or solution to this issue... it's probably best to go your separate ways unfortunately.
I understand this, but the OP said he SAW the emails and such and that his wife DOESN'T have anything to hide. Why should she be penalized for something she hasn't done - that he is imagining?
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