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I don't disagree that people change making it hard to keep those vows. But why make a promise unless you're absolutely sure you can keep it? There's a reason politicians never promise to keep a balanced budget. It's because they know things can happen (war, natural disaster, etc.) that might require them to spend more than they have. Maybe the marital vows need to be conditional. "I promise to love, honor and obey...unless I decide someday that I don't want kids or you gain a bunch of weight, etc." I this is actually becoming a trend. Lawyers write such conditions into marital contracts.
Often wedding vows are overlooked formalities, couples repeat them as part of the ritual, and because they love one another at the time, they're ok with the way they're written. No one is going into a marriage with the idea that they will intentionally break these vows. Just like no one knows what their partner will look like 20 years from now. But you don't think of those things when signing on the dotted line. People break promises to themselves all the time, so it's not unusual that they would break a promise to someone else. Most people can't keep a new years resolution or stick to a diet or exercise routine that they promised themselves they'd follow for their own benefit. I'm not saying it's alright to break wedding vows, but I don't think it's something to beat someone up about either. Think back to when you were in high school or college, are the things that mattered to you then still important to you today, and are your priorities still the same? Lot's of people get married young, and they still have a lot of growing and maturing ahead of them.
Addressing your original question, I think the marriages that prevail when one partner ages faster than the other, are the ones who developed a growing fondness and respect for one another over the course of the marriage. They are still beautiful in one another's eyes and they truly love one another which transcends any superficial limitations.
People break promises all the time. But that doesn't make it right. I reiterate my original point which is don't make a promise unless you're sure you can keep it. It's one thing to break a promise to yourself. But it's entirely different to break one you made to someone else. That's one reason I'll never understand these people who get married really young. How can a 20 year old make such a commitment? At least the 40 year old has had enough life experience and knows themselves well enough to know whether they can make such a pledge.
True Denny, getting married that young increases the risk of divorce down the road. Sure there are exceptions to the rule, but I agree that people that young should not get married. The idea of vows is a slippery slope to begin with. It's very challenging to make a promise to someone that you can keep for a lifetime when there are so many different elements in life that can effect those vows. The vows are very general in nature and can be interpreted in different ways...love, honor, and obey can mean any number of things to different couples.
The idea of vows is a slippery slope to begin with. It's very challenging to make a promise to someone that you can keep for a lifetime when there are so many different elements in life that can effect those vows. The vows are very general in nature and can be interpreted in different ways...love, honor, and obey can mean any number of things to different couples.
Vows are very general and therefore open to interpretation and difficult to keep. To love, honor and cherish. I bet there's some guy out there who beats his wife but still convinces himself that he loves and cherishes her. But it does seem like fewer and fewer people are willing to keep those vows, as if they didn't mean as much to begin with. You always hear about the person who dumps their spouse because they gained weight or dared to turn old. What happened to the days when a vow meant something?
But when I saw them last year, the husband looked like he could pass for his wife's father. Overweight, too much sun, probably too much drinking and smoking, etc. His wife was very active and health-conscious. She looked like she still took good care of herself. The guy on the other hand looked like he stopped caring.
Bingo! I think you hit the nail on the head.
It's not that people don't accept aging. But if one partner makes an effort to maintain health and fitness and the other one does not? That's a huge disparity in life values.
What happened to the days when a vow meant something?
What days are you talking about, the ones where people didn't divorce for fear of stigma or being labeled a certain way? Vows weren't what kept people together when things went bad, social pressures and public perceptions had more to do with that, as well as the rules of the church and influence of extended family members. Back then, women were looked upon with a suspicious eye if they were divorced...those days are over.
Obviously when you marry someone, you know their appearance will change over time. They'll get wrinkles, gray hair, gain weight, maybe lose their hair. But you accept that cause you know the same thing will happen to you and because you know this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. But what happens when one of you grows older much faster than the other? Hopefully, you're not the type who would trade in for a newer model. How would you react, though, if you suddenly woke up 10 years later and you looked 10 years older, but your partner looked 20 years older? I realize people age at different rates for various reasons (genetics, lifestyle, etc.). Whatever the reasons, your partner now looks a lot older than you or the reverse, you look a lot older than your partner but didn't start out that way. How would you handle it?
I would start to wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I have lived so long but am such a shallow good for nothing &^%&. We all age at different rates and some of us get sick. If we can't see beyond looks we are in trouble.
If it bothers you that much maybe some counseling would be in order. Maybe you feel your spouse's looks somehow reflects on you. I would much rather be married to a man who is more concerned about our marriage and making it last then how both of us look. Hard in today's society that is all about image but it can be done. Those are the happiest people.
What days are you talking about, the ones where people didn't divorce for fear of stigma or being labeled a certain way? Vows weren't what kept people together when things went bad, social pressures and public perceptions had more to do with that, as well as the rules of the church and influence of extended family members. Back then, women were looked upon with a suspicious eye if they were divorced...those days are over.
I don't buy your generalization and I would love to see some studies to back up your assertion. While it's true that divorce had greater stigma in the past and many women were either afraid or simply unable to divorce their husbands, I reject the idea that this applies to all marriages of the past. IMO, the real problem today is the way people have been raised. Values like hard work, loyalty and commitment aren't emphasized the way they used to be. That's why so many people bail out on relationships rather than do the hard work it takes to maintain them. Today, people suffer from ADD, getting bored easily and always on the lookout for the next best thing. Whether it's a better job, better house, better car, better cell phone, or even better partner, few people are ever satisfied with what they have.
That's why so many people bail out on relationships rather than do the hard work it takes to maintain them. Today, people suffer from ADD, getting bored easily and always on the lookout for the next best thing. Whether it's a better job, better house, better car, better cell phone, or even better partner, few people are ever satisfied with what they have.
What you seem to be failing to realize is that it takes two people to put in the effort, hence the reason for pointing out you've never been married. It's easy to say what a person should do, but without monitoring the behavior of the other party, exactly HOW MUCH work is one person supposed to do. At some point, you have to choose what is best for every one involved. Some things IMO, are unforgivable, infidelity is one of them.
Last edited by floridadreamer; 08-26-2009 at 05:31 PM..
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