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What you seem to be failing to realize is that it takes two people to put in the effort, hence the reason for pointing out you've never been married. It's easy to say what a person should do, but without monitoring the behavior of the other party, exactly HOW MUCH work is one person supposed to do. At some point, you have to choose what is best for every one involved. Some things IMO, are unforgivable, infidelity is one of them.
Where exactly do I say that both people don't have to put in the effort? I never said such a thing. Obviously, it takes two people to sustain a relationship. If one person is doing everything they can to keep the relationship alive while the other is just coasting, then obviously it's the fault of the other person if the relationship deteriorates. Exactly how much work one is supposed to do is up to the other person. If my partner feels I'm not trying hard enough or that I'm falling short, then clearly I need to either work harder or tell them this is all I'm willing to give. Whether their expectations of me are reasonable is a separate issue.
What you seem to be failing to realize is that it takes two people to put in the effort, hence the reason for pointing out you've never been married. It's easy to say what a person should do, but without monitoring the behavior of the other party, exactly HOW MUCH work is one person supposed to do. At some point, you have to choose what is best for every one involved. Some things IMO, are unforgivable, infidelity is one of them.
That is 100% correct. When one puts forth the effort, it leads to disappointment. Been there done that.
My question was about you would handle it when you became aware of those changes. You might notice those changes until someone else points them out. But the point is that now you've been made aware of them. What do you do then?
Do? What do you mean, what do you do?
Maybe you don't get this but the truth is, when you LOVE someone you love WHO they are, not what they look like necessarily
As long as a spouse does his/her part to remain healthy and as active as possible there really isn't anything to "do" or be upset about when they begin to age - IT'S JUST PART OF LIFE.
Where exactly do I say that both people don't have to put in the effort? I never said such a thing. Obviously, it takes two people to sustain a relationship. If one person is doing everything they can to keep the relationship alive while the other is just coasting, then obviously it's the fault of the other person if the relationship deteriorates. Exactly how much work one is supposed to do is up to the other person. If my partner feels I'm not trying hard enough or that I'm falling short, then clearly I need to either work harder or tell them this is all I'm willing to give. Whether their expectations of me are reasonable is a separate issue.
You didn't have to say it. You are going on and on about the sanctity of marriage vows. At some point, the SO has broken their vows, changing the whole dynamic of the relationship. Try focusing on the marriage as a whole, rather than one persons "responsibility" to their vows.
Today, people suffer from ADD, getting bored easily and always on the lookout for the next best thing. Whether it's a better job, better house, better car, better cell phone, or even better partner, few people are ever satisfied with what they have.
I have news for you..."keeping up with the Jones'" dates back to the early part of the 20th century, maybe further. People have always been striving for something better than what they have, and trying to keep up with the neighbors. Perhaps you're watching too many wholesome movies from the 50's which you are using as your glimpse into the past, romanticizing a time that you THINK was better in every sense. I agree that our attention spans, standards of conduct, and values have whittled down since then, but back in the 50's the older generation was saying the same thing of the younger generation of that time. Every generation of middle-aged and elderly thinks that it's the end of days and how the wheels of the world are falling off. So back then people kept their vows by not divorcing as much, but they broke their vows by having flings and affairs. It was just as common then as it is now. Life wasn't Leave it to Beaver back then.
Maybe you don't get this but the truth is, when you LOVE someone you love WHO they are, not what they look like necessarily
As long as a spouse does his/her part to remain healthy and as active as possible there really isn't anything to "do" or be upset about when they begin to age - IT'S JUST PART OF LIFE.
I wasn't looking for advice. I know what I would do if my partner suddenly looked 10 years older than me. I'd do exactly what I did before, which is be the best partner I could be. My question was directed at others. I wanted to gauge how others react or if they react at all.
Quote:
Originally Posted by floridadreamer
You didn't have to say it. You are going on and on about the sanctity of marriage vows. At some point, the SO has broken their vows, changing the whole dynamic of the relationship. Try focusing on the marriage as a whole, rather than one persons "responsibility" to their vows.
I am focusing on the marriage as a whole. Like any relationship, it takes both people to keep it alive. But if one person doesn't do the work while the other does, then it's clearly the fault of the one not working if the relationship fails.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coolhand68
Perhaps you're watching too many wholesome movies from the 50's which you are using as your glimpse into the past, romanticizing a time that you THINK was better in every sense. I agree that our attention spans, standards of conduct, and values have whittled down since then, but back in the 50's the older generation was saying the same thing of the younger generation of that time. Every generation of middle-aged and elderly thinks that it's the end of days and how the wheels of the world are falling off. So back then people kept their vows by not divorcing as much, but they broke their vows by having flings and affairs. It was just as common then as it is now. Life wasn't Leave it to Beaver back then.
I never said life was idyllic back then. The point I was making was the very one you just made, that "our attention spans, standards of conduct, and values have whittled down since then."
[quote=DennyCrane;10479942]I wasn't looking for advice. I know what I would do if my partner suddenly looked 10 years older than me. I'd do exactly what I did before, which is be the best partner I could be. My question was directed at others. I wanted to gauge how others react or if they react at all.
I didn't give you any advice I gave you the reaction you asked for - I said there is nothing TO do if/WHEN your partner starts to age - when you love someone it doesn't matter - aging is just part of life.
I am 7 years older than my hubby but don't look it. Since we married his hair has turned grey but so far I don't have any grey. Funny, but I would get mad at those who remarked on my hubbys age. We were in a Young Married Couples group at church and were the oldest in the group but we wanted to belong to a group at church. They would say if Jim joined us anyone can. I wanted to tell them I was 7 years older than Jim so if I joined than anyone can. Geesh.
I dated a guy who was very good looking. I asked him if he knew how good looking he was. He said---"yes he knew." LOL WRONG answer as far as I was concerned. He would have earned so many brownie pts if he said---no, but I do know how good looking you are! LOL, and that is how my hubby is and that is why he won my hand and I fell for him. He tells me how beautiful I am, etc, etc and makes me feel beautiful. I am no looker by any means but he makes me feel like I am.
He did grow back his beard once and it came in grey. I did tell him to shave it off since it made him look older. I got him to shave his beard and then his mustache after we got married. He grew them to look older when he was young and shaved them off to look younger when he got older.
I think we all do out best to look good but I don't want to be shallow by focusing on it very much. My hubby likes me without make-up and I rarely wear it. I like his grey hair even though it is thinning. It would be horrible to be married to a person who was so concerned about our looks.
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I gave you the reaction you asked for - I said there is nothing TO do if/WHEN your partner starts to age - when you love someone it doesn't matter - aging is just part of life.
