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I am finally at a point where i can think about what happened with getting anxious and really upset. About a year ago I was working alot and admittedly not giving my wife all the emotional support she needed, I figured as long as I was providing for her, being a good father, loved her and we had a good sex life everyting was fine.
It wasnt. She met a guy on her girls nite out and became friends, They started texting and hanging around. She went to his house during the day a few times and it started getting physical. She never wanted sex but after a couple of weeks he said either you have sex with me or I'm gunna find someone who will. She gave in.
We got into an arguement the next week over her going out on her wednesday nite with the girls ritual and then she told me. I was devastated, I never cheated on her. I wasnt sure I was gunna make it at one point.
We have gone to counseling and have worked through most of the issues. I have forgiven her.
So many questions still haunt me. How could she have done it? Why didnt she threaten me with divorce at least if things were that bad? What goes through her mind when she sees that I am a loving husband that didnt deserve what happened? What did she think the kids (we have 3 young ones) would think when they find out. We live in a small city.
I would love to her from someone who has been through this.
Isn't it sad how the person betrayed is always the ones left with the issues. You wife has confessed and is (from the outside looking in) free of the burden of guilt.
If she told you so readily, it was something she wanted you to know. There are two reasons she wants you to know; 1, she wants a divorce or 2, she wants something to change. You need to think long and hard about which you really think it is with her because, if I want something to change, I just come out and have a little talk about the change... Did she try talking to you or give you an indication that something was upsetting her in the relationship?
She told me after I suspected something she was only with him twice. I have changed alot so has she and I believe our marriage is btter for it. The questions still remain. Thanks for your insight.
I agree with 1984. It's not that she didn't see you as a loving husband and a good father, nor do I think she was looking for a divorce and I seriously doubt it really had anything to do with sex. Most sexual affairs don't have anything to do with the rejection of a partner for sex. It was most likely an emotional detatchment she felt between you over time or an emotional need that wasn't being fulfilled or even her own self esteem and maybe her age and you may not have had anything to do with it - it could have all been about her.
If I were you, I would have tons of questions myself and not sure how well I could continue to function in the relationship but I can say with some assurance, this may not and probably isn't about you at all. And I say this to you as a woman.
You still seem to have some unresolved conflict within yourself and many unanswered questions which may continue to escalate and drive you nuts and quite possibly continued therapy together should address these questions.
I give you a ton of credit for being able to forgive and work through this and put effort into it - but you haven't forgot yet and a bit more attention to it sounds necessary.
Last edited by Thursday007; 08-31-2009 at 07:21 PM..
Speaking as a wife, or rather a woman, I personally could never do it. I slept with a married man once, not having all the information before the deed was done. I couldn't eat for days when I realized I had slept with someone's husband. I had this horrible feeling in my pit of my stomach that just wouldn't go away. But, the fact is, this was probably a guy that did the same thing to women all the time. He would go away from home for events for the club where I met him, and use it as his "playtime". Lets just say it was the last time I was duped ( I was 18, he was 27). I learned a lot about myself that day.
This guy she was with, is no doubt experienced at what he does. He can probably recognize when someone isn't getting what they need, and took advantage of her. If you can honestly say your marriage is better off than it was before, then do yourself a favor and put your effort in to making the next years the best you've had together. Don't waste them tearing yourself up over it.
If I didnt know better its like you know my situation. This happened las t november and I know of at least 2 other married women he did the same thing with. They are both divorced or in process. This guy is a creep. I have a question I am so worried about my wifes reputation. Since we are working this out whats the perception? Shes a **** or I'm a loser for having her back or...
I have a question I am so worried about my wifes reputation. Since we are working this out whats the perception? Shes a **** or I'm a loser for having her back or...
It wasnt. She met a guy on her girls nite out and became friends, They started texting and hanging around. She went to his house during the day a few times and it started getting physical. She never wanted sex but after a couple of weeks he said either you have sex with me or I'm gunna find someone who will. She gave in.
This is the part where I smell a rat. Sorry, but she did very much intend to sleep with this man or she never would have gone to his house by herself--and then she would make up the part about him "making" her have sex so that she could make herself look less guilty to you. But that's BS, and she needs to come completely clean if she wants to work on it. Also I'm not sure I'd trust the part about it only being twice. Maybe it was, but maybe he was thru with her after twice too. Players don't usually keep coming back and I'd say that men who hit on married women almost always are players. It takes a lot of work to make a partner who cheated, recommit, and often an outside influence. That's not to say that it can't be done, just that it can't be done easily. And you'll be the one left with most of the pain and guilt. At least drop the guilt please. You're not the one who broke the vows and if you take on too much guilt she'll see you as a weenie and be even more likely to stray again. Show some rightous anger man!
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