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Good Morning all!
I am very serious about my need for some feedback. Obviously I have kept myself anonymous so that I can ask this question honestly without hiding behind any false statements like "I have a friend here that needs advise".
So here goes:
I am a very youthful appearing 50 yrs old. I am considered attractive by some people. Or cute. 5-4' 130 lbs. I work out, run, and in general active. I have primarily worked as a medical professional although that may change soon.
I am very spiritual minded, (metaphysical) and into self growth type books, workshops, etc. I am a deep type thinker not shallow and try to live my life with kindness and integrity.
My whole life has been a journey of unfoldment.
Here is my dilemma.
I have been gay or a lesbian most of my life. Oh not the kind seeped in the subculture of being a lesbian although I did go through that stage.
I came out as a young girl and then for religious reasons went back into closet, became a born again christian , married and had two children(sons).My husband at the time was not a good man nor father.(Or I wqould have never divorced him. I loved the role of wife and mother) He refused to work, was sexually abusive to me and in general had issues.
I divorced him, came back out, went to school, knowing that I would be my childrens only support system.
Well, needless to say it has been rough. My ex husband has chosen to live as a slob in a trailor with no heat, running water or electricity. His brother on the other hand is a millionaire and high functioning in the community.
I should have kidnapped my kids and gotten them away from him (in retrospect) but I did not and as a result my sons have had many issues and poor influences from their father. My older son who was an angel (truly) died 4 yrs ago and my younger son is fraught with issues as well as being opinionated, outspoken , some ashbergers syndrome and has made some poor choices. I have had very little emotional support or help from their father.
In the meantime while all the above has been going on I have continued to work, been the responsible parent, pursued my spirituality and self growth type activtivities and overall unfolded into a mature woman who is kind, compassionate, level headed. While I was doing that I somewhat almost by accident if you will, lost my desire and interest in the gay life and being with women. (My last GF was a highly trained government official) so its not like I have been in the bar scene dancing on speakers and getting drunk.
So I gave you some background so that I can ask for feedback on the fact that I would very much like to meet a nice man who treats me like a lady and with respect. Someone who is kind, spiritually aware (in a ghandi/metaphysical/tony robbins type way) Someone who I may have stability, companionship, romance with and have the type of relationship with that I have always desired to have.
Part of me feels like "How can I expect to have this type of relationship when most heterosexual women who have been this way all of their lives cannot find this"?
I would like some feedback from men (and women too)
whether I am being realistic? I know that I have baggage from my life. But if you were to take me on my own I am really a very nice woman to become involved with and very loving and conscious.
I have had occassion in the last few years in another location to go out with two different men who treated me like a lady and with deep respect. I am no feminist and enjoy it when a man opens doors, stands when I leave the table and stands upon my return.
The other issue is how would I go about meeting such a wonderful man? E harmony? Craigslist? Here?
Do I disclose the above? I know eventually i would but is it appropriate to disclose this up front?
Would most men be intimidated by a son from another marriage and from ex partners being in my life (as friends) an ex husband who is around (I have forgiven him and basically have pity on him) .
I need a truly spiritual minded man who understands our purpose here on earth to give and receive love. To truly make a difference.
I have multiple interests from spirituality, to finances, to alternative medicine and regular type actitivities like art, museums, reading. sorry sports is not one of them. Perhaps a more European type man who are more open generally to thinking outside the box.
What do you all think about this?
I am sorry if this is long but I felt it necessary to to give some background.
Thank you all in advance.
You have my sincerest condolences regarding the loss of your son. The pain of losing a child is something that you never fully recover from, and it's something that a future partner will have to understand and accept at some point in your relationship.
I'm curious, are you looking for a man because you feel as though you HAVE to choose a man? Are you naturally attracted to men and forcing yourself to bury your attraction for women? Deep down do you think you'd be happier with a man or a woman? Everyone knows what is best for themselves, and they should not compromise that for anyone. Could you be happy spending eternity with a man, and never again being emotional and physically involved with a woman?
You have my sincerest condolences regarding the loss of your son. The pain of losing a child is something that you never fully recover from, and it's something that a future partner will have to understand and accept at some point in your relationship.
I'm curious, are you looking for a man because you feel as though you HAVE to choose a man? Are you naturally attracted to men and forcing yourself to bury your attraction for women? Deep down do you think you'd be happier with a man or a woman? Everyone knows what is best for themselves, and they should not compromise that for anyone. Could you be happy spending eternity with a man, and never again being emotional and physically involved with a woman?
Hi, thank you for your condolences on the death of my son. It has been a journey of healing for me and I have learned invaluable lessons as a result. I know that may seem to be an odd statement but my sons death has given me invaluable gifts.And I love and miss him so very much!
As far as being with a man, yes, I am attracted to men. Both emotionally and physically. I enjoy the energy of being around men very much.
I would really describe myself as a "Me" type person.
I believe I could be estatically happy spending eternity with the RIGHT MAN.
Whether I am with a man or not I know and am commited to the fact that I will NOT be with another women. Honestly I have no attraction for women any longer on that level.
A friend of mine has said to me "Honestly so and so, you are so loving of a human being that I truly believe you are more than capable of loving anyone you set your heart too".
You know to be honest with you I am so firmly commited to the understanding that we are spiritual beings having a human experience that I can most defintely see myself being with the right man in a loving, commited relationship.
First, I find the sexual orientation thing pretty much a yawner -- plenty of gals go through lesbian phases. No big deal; whatever makes you happy. A man today who dates many women will likely encounter women who have had a relationship(s) with other women. So, frankly, I suspect you are thinking it will be a bigger impediment than it really is. I can only see it being a real problem if you are very "butch" and/or make you past lesbian experiences a big part of who you are, talk about it a lot, etc. (it could also be a problem if you run into a very traditionalistic guy, but given your obvious touchy-feely spiritual stuff I can't really see you connecting with someone like that).
But I do have to ask: why is it either/or? Sounds to me that you have bi tendencies. Have you thought of pursuing something along that route?
Yes, meeting a guy via online dating sites would be a good option. But it should not be your only way -- pursue traditional face-to-face opportunities, too.
Good Morning all!
I am very serious about my need for some feedback. Obviously I have kept myself anonymous so that I can ask this question honestly without hiding behind any false statements like "I have a friend here that needs advise".
So here goes:
I am a very youthful appearing 50 yrs old. I am considered attractive by some people. Or cute. 5-4' 130 lbs. I work out, run, and in general active. I have primarily worked as a medical professional although that may change soon.
I am very spiritual minded, (metaphysical) and into self growth type books, workshops, etc. I am a deep type thinker not shallow and try to live my life with kindness and integrity.
My whole life has been a journey of unfoldment.
Here is my dilemma.
I have been gay or a lesbian most of my life. Oh not the kind seeped in the subculture of being a lesbian although I did go through that stage.
I came out as a young girl and then for religious reasons went back into closet, became a born again christian , married and had two children(sons).My husband at the time was not a good man nor father.(Or I wqould have never divorced him. I loved the role of wife and mother) He refused to work, was sexually abusive to me and in general had issues.
I divorced him, came back out, went to school, knowing that I would be my childrens only support system.
Well, needless to say it has been rough. My ex husband has chosen to live as a slob in a trailor with no heat, running water or electricity. His brother on the other hand is a millionaire and high functioning in the community.
I should have kidnapped my kids and gotten them away from him (in retrospect) but I did not and as a result my sons have had many issues and poor influences from their father. My older son who was an angel (truly) died 4 yrs ago and my younger son is fraught with issues as well as being opinionated, outspoken , some ashbergers syndrome and has made some poor choices. I have had very little emotional support or help from their father.
In the meantime while all the above has been going on I have continued to work, been the responsible parent, pursued my spirituality and self growth type activtivities and overall unfolded into a mature woman who is kind, compassionate, level headed. While I was doing that I somewhat almost by accident if you will, lost my desire and interest in the gay life and being with women. (My last GF was a highly trained government official) so its not like I have been in the bar scene dancing on speakers and getting drunk.
So I gave you some background so that I can ask for feedback on the fact that I would very much like to meet a nice man who treats me like a lady and with respect. Someone who is kind, spiritually aware (in a ghandi/metaphysical/tony robbins type way) Someone who I may have stability, companionship, romance with and have the type of relationship with that I have always desired to have.
Part of me feels like "How can I expect to have this type of relationship when most heterosexual women who have been this way all of their lives cannot find this"?
I would like some feedback from men (and women too)
whether I am being realistic? I know that I have baggage from my life. But if you were to take me on my own I am really a very nice woman to become involved with and very loving and conscious.
I have had occassion in the last few years in another location to go out with two different men who treated me like a lady and with deep respect. I am no feminist and enjoy it when a man opens doors, stands when I leave the table and stands upon my return.
The other issue is how would I go about meeting such a wonderful man? E harmony? Craigslist? Here?
Do I disclose the above? I know eventually i would but is it appropriate to disclose this up front?
Would most men be intimidated by a son from another marriage and from ex partners being in my life (as friends) an ex husband who is around (I have forgiven him and basically have pity on him) .
I need a truly spiritual minded man who understands our purpose here on earth to give and receive love. To truly make a difference.
I have multiple interests from spirituality, to finances, to alternative medicine and regular type actitivities like art, museums, reading. sorry sports is not one of them. Perhaps a more European type man who are more open generally to thinking outside the box.
What do you all think about this?
I am sorry if this is long but I felt it necessary to to give some background.
Thank you all in advance.
WOW!
If you were hooked to a monitor the needle would be all over the place.
I think you should go talk to some professional. You obviously don't know what you want...how could some new man in your life know what you want?
I hope you can get things worked out in YOUR life first. NO man is going to fill in the gaps nor should he half too. Fix yourself first.
Hi, Jane. Your life has taken quite a path, and I'm sorry about the loss of your son. As a parent of three children myself, I admire your resiliency and strength.
I have to say, after reading your post, that it will all depend on how you define yourself. If you simply define yourself as a woman who has done the best she could in life through many challenges, then that is a highly positive thing. If, on the other hand, you define yourself as a survivor, a part of the walking wounded of life (Not that you are), then that's something else entirely. After all, approaching fifty myself, I know that we all have had our joys and our grief, and your experiences are just the shared experience of all humanity at this age. Don't apologize, don't dwell. Instead, keep a hopeful eye on the life ahead, for optimism and a good attitude are always the most attractive things about a person whether they are 20 or 50.
As far as your sexual preference goes, who cares? Everybody has a past. I wouldn't carry it around like a banner because, again, that would be defining yourself. You are not a 'reformed lesbian' or any other ridiculous term. You are simply a wonderful person who has a lot to share in life. To be sure, once you establish trust with someone, you need to divulge this part of your life for it is an important part of who you are.
And, as far as your son is concerned, a man your age will likely have raised his own children. The lucky few have not had problems with their own offspring, while most have dealt with their own share of grief. So you will probably have a sympathetic ear from someone who has matured enough to know the life isn't necessarily a smooth path, despite our best efforts.
So be who you are--a person who is open, caring and gifted with grace. All those other things are what you have experienced, not necessarily who you are.
First, my condolences on the loss of your son. I cannot imagine your pain.
As to your questions? Honestly I don't think you have anything to worry about. The biggest obstacle I can see is at 50, most guys are either married or marriage shy. It doesn't mean they are relationship shy, they just are no longer willing to take the big leap. And many of those that have been married have kids (and an ex) themselves. As to the girlfriend thing? I suggest only revealing what you feel you are comfortable with. Any guy that gets to know you will eventually know that you were married before, so he's not going to think that you're going through a phase. You don't have to tell him everything, everyone has a past, but if you do reveal it you could just say that it's in the past and you would rather leave it there. A man that really loves you wouldn't care or pry, and would let you share only what you want.
Hi, Jane. Your life has taken quite a path, and I'm sorry about the loss of your son. As a parent of three children myself, I admire your resiliency and strength.
I have to say, after reading your post, that it will all depend on how you define yourself. If you simply define yourself as a woman who has done the best she could in life through many challenges, then that is a highly positive thing. If, on the other hand, you define yourself as a survivor, a part of the walking wounded of life (Not that you are), then that's something else entirely. After all, approaching fifty myself, I know that we all have had our joys and our grief, and your experiences are just the shared experience of all humanity at this age. Don't apologize, don't dwell. Instead, keep a hopeful eye on the life ahead, for optimism and a good attitude are always the most attractive things about a person whether they are 20 or 50.
As far as your sexual preference goes, who cares? Everybody has a past. I wouldn't carry it around like a banner because, again, that would be defining yourself. You are not a 'reformed lesbian' or any other ridiculous term. You are simply a wonderful person who has a lot to share in life. To be sure, once you establish trust with someone, you need to divulge this part of your life for it is an important part of who you are.
And, as far as your son is concerned, a man your age will likely have raised his own children. The lucky few have not had problems with their own offspring, while most have dealt with their own share of grief. So you will probably have a sympathetic ear from someone who has matured enough to know the life isn't necessarily a smooth path, despite our best efforts.
So be who you are--a person who is open, caring and gifted with grace. All those other things are what you have experienced, not necessarily who you are.
Wow. of all the responders you truly "got it".
No I am not a victim, or a survivor, nor do I need counseling(lol) .I am not BI nor all over the map.
I am a self integrated human being that is resiliant and courageous that has navigated through life's many challenges and have come out not embittered, or angry, (I am not a butch but fem) but awake, concious and loving. I have a lot of integrity and have a lot to offer the right human being.
I am defintely not a train wreck. I got a little chuckle out of that comment.
But I do want to thank all of you for your responses to me.
Please keep them coming because I truly came on here with humility and an openess to hearing feedback.
If you were hooked to a monitor the needle would be all over the place.
I think you should go talk to some professional. You obviously don't know what you want...how could some new man in your life know what you want?
I hope you can get things worked out in YOUR life first. NO man is going to fill in the gaps nor should he half too. Fix yourself first.
IMO it seems she's reconciled everything to the best of her ability and is ready to move on.... What do you still see as "broken"? I actually find her post as a string of not really knowing what she's wanted for a good portion of her life, only to have some sort of epiphany and now realizes EXACTLY what she wants, but is unsure of how to go about getting it....
Anyway, to the OP, men of this nature are around, but I can't begin to guess how difficult or easy it might be to find the one you're looking for.
As far as how your past relationships might affect your future relations with men?
Well, for one thing, as a man, there's potential to feel doubly threatened that, not only does one have to worry about you wanting other men, but other women.... (Just base jealousy, that's all)... Hopefully you find someone mature enough to not worry about all of that.
As far as HOW to find this man? Well, I've been out of the game for over 10 years, so I'm not sure how big of a help I can really be there... Sorry..
If you were hooked to a monitor the needle would be all over the place.
I think you should go talk to some professional. You obviously don't know what you want...how could some new man in your life know what you want?
I hope you can get things worked out in YOUR life first. NO man is going to fill in the gaps nor should he half too. Fix yourself first.
You know Mr.Funnyman , a man who truly had a wonderful impact on my life was from Tennesse. He was one of the two men I had opportunity to spend some quality time with.
With all due respect I am thankful that he did not think like you because he would have missed out on a wonderful experience with me and I would have missed out being in the precense of someone who truly "got me" and treated me like a lady. This was not meant to be about fixing someones life but about sharing a life with someone who is a loving, caring human being.
I have no doubt that if you met me you would enjoy my company on some level. Perhaps not "fall in love" with me( a whole other topic in my estimation..lol ... the falling in love part) but you certainly would acknowledge my ability to negotiate triumphantly some challenging aspects of life and come out not smelling of smoke.
Good day to you sir.
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