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Old 09-06-2009, 12:26 PM
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 22,540,496 times
Reputation: 24023


By "helping him" to lose the weight, I was referring to you going for walks with him and maybe eventually the two of you could do more physical activities together. Eating right is also a good thing. You would not be pressuring him, by helping him in that way.
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Old 09-06-2009, 12:39 PM
Location: Olympus Mons, Mars
5,620 posts, read 8,546,426 times
Reputation: 5681
If you decide to have sex with this guy make sure there is no beer or pizza in the room else you may lose his attention Also in case he has a heart attack during sex make sure you know CPR
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Old 09-06-2009, 12:44 PM
Location: southern california
55,491 posts, read 74,394,948 times
Reputation: 47887
a 10 with a food compulsion. he will not in fact lose weight he will gain it. assuming you are going to go forward--- you will probably be treated like a queen and inherit a bundle as he will die young guaranteed. if you are a sensible gal, you are going to get a very good deal. how do you make it work, never never get fat or partake of his disease dont cheat. do this and continue to see his good qualities and he will worship you until he is dead. btw if you even have any codependency issues of trying to get em and then fix em. this will ruin what could be a wonderful relationship.

Last edited by Huckleberry3911948; 09-06-2009 at 01:47 PM..
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Old 09-06-2009, 01:01 PM
Location: My Private Island
4,941 posts, read 7,287,007 times
Reputation: 12256
I agree with the posters who stated you will have to accept him the way he is now because it's a reality that he may not lose the weight (or keep it off). It's great you want to help him and I encourage you do to so but start out as friends. Many long lasting relationships/marriages have been built upon friendship first, after all it is part of what they become as your mate.

From what I have read from some of your posts, you could give a "flyin' flip" about what other people think...you do your own thing! People are going to talk whether you are small/fat couple or the two most drop dead gorgeous people on the planet. Whatever you decide to do, remember that each person is responsible for their health, happiness and well being and you cannot "fix" or "change" that for anyone but yourself. Good luck to you!

PS....for the hecklers....GROW UP!! (you know who you are)
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Old 09-06-2009, 01:22 PM
25,165 posts, read 48,316,346 times
Reputation: 6957
Hey Jeepgirl. I understand where you are coming from I've been in a similar situation. Is it possible to keep him as a friend. He sounds so pleasant and we know how rare that is.

Originally Posted by JeepGirl118 View Post
No hecklers, PLEASE.

I really, really need your thoughts and wisdom to help me overcome a couple snags in my mind.

This is long - I'm really very sorry about that. I'll use a lot of paragraphs.

I went on a date this evening with a great man. He has a handsome face, is educated with an advanced degree - extremely intelligent, well-spoken, funny, nice job, impressive morals, values and ethics, so attentive, very thoughtful, easy to talk to, giving. . . I could go on. Bottom line, I was impressed.

He is a few pounds shy of 400lbs @ 6'3 and 37 years old- realistically, I would put him at about 380-390. I believe the highest weight I ever dated was, I don't know, off the top of my head - probably about 290-300'ish, I suppose. I was fully aware of his weight issue ahead of time. No biggie.

We met for a couple of drinks this eve - he came with a single long stemmed rose and handed it to me as he told me how beautiful I looked and complimented my outfit. He is very charming, in a nice, healthy way - great manners.

During drinks (he paid and would not allow me to when I pulled my wallet from my purse), there were people staring at us. In particular that stood out the most, one couple that was whispering to each other and the obnoxious woman was pointing at him with the "haha, look at that fat guy" look on her face. It was just so rude. My dates back was turned and did not see it.

When they both fully looked up and were no longer leaning into each other giving my date quick amused glances, they realized with the 'deer in the headlights look' that *I* was glaring at them with much disdain. After, they made it a point to not make eye contact. It did catch them off guard. However, when the man (who was making fun of my date with the lady) was coming back from the bathroom about 30 minutes later, I turned my head so he could catch my eye - which he did - and I gave him the quick slit-eyed squint of "how dare you, shame on you." He looked away fast (he knew what it was for) and both did not look our way again. They were facing toward me and would not even look in our direction.

Not once did I ever mention it to my date, nor would I ever. I'm only the 2nd woman this man has been out with in 5 years and I was determined to make it one of the most enjoyable times he's had.

Various men in the bar - looked in curiosity and did double takes. I mean, I am so much smaller than my date - and I know by their sort of puzzled looks on their faces they were wondering what I was doing with a man of his size. I do not know, it was just something I never had experienced before. and thing is, it was not even like I was trying to notice - people just did not do anything to be subtle in their reactions. And yes, I was very attentive to my date - but as you know, you have moments where you look away. I wasn't looking for something - people were just so dang rude and obvious.

Do I want to see this man again? Yes. The good in him outweighs the bad.

Am I having difficulty picturing sexual relations with him? Yes. For some obvious reasons.

Am I attracted to him? Yes, despite the fact I have a hard time picturing sexual relations due to his size. He is not an ugly man.

He does want to lose weight and lost 30-40lbs in the past one year, he said. You and I know that a person of size can easily lose 100-150lbs in a year with dedication. When we talked tonight about food and losing weight, it was apparent that he has tried in his own way - but no one has taught or showed him the correct way. Such as, he said sometimes he will go a day without eating, but the next day he will eat 3 packages of Ramen Noodles and then eat nothing the next day. Then the next day will eat a Ramen Noodle and ice cream. That sort of thing - eating the wrong things and is not exercising outside of normal activity. I know that I can at least try to help him with this since he has the desire and willingness. I can teach him and even get him out to start to go on walks with me or go to play some hoops, etc. - and lastly, assist him by recommending a great colon cleanse. Right?

He is very interested in me and when he got home this evening, he sent me a nice email stating his interest. He also stated that he wishes that I could go with him tomorrow night down to Miami to pick up his daughter at the airport, but feels that I would think it to be awkward and too soon because he is staying the night in Miami and does not know how I would feel about meeting his daughter so quickly. I can easily see this guy getting very serious, very fast. Who can blame him, I am a gem! Haha. . . OK, back to being serious. . .

My confusion is this. . . . yes, he needs to lose weight, obviously. I can help him since he has the desire to. And I do not have sex with men right away. The last guy I dated, we were together for 2 months and I did not have sex with him at all. Slept in the same bed twice and I avoided the gravitational pull of his cockadoodle-doo. Sad, but true - but I am glad I did not. I am one of those women that has sex in a serious relationship only - and that's just how I am wired. Couldn't care when everyone else does - lol - but that is my gig. K! SoooooOOooo. . .

Since the basic attraction is there - (and I mean it when I say that when or if he loses weight, he will be a real looker) - there is chemistry there mentally and it's generally there physically (just not enough to sleep with him at this point). . and when/if he loses weight, there will be more physically. You know what I mean. .

Question #1. . .

So since I am able to hold out on having sex with a guy, would it be wrong if I continued to date this guy and just held out a wee bit longer than I normally would whereas sex is concerned? Or am I just being a total idiot in thinking that? I feel like such a douche bag for even saying/thinking that.

Now question #2.

How do I word this. I do not want to make it sound disrespectful to him . .because I am not being that way.

If you were the onlooker seeing my being with such a grossly obese man, would it make it appear that I am dating much less than I am capable? We are not talking about a man who has a few pounds to lose - we're not talking about a belly. He is *obese.* But like I said - this guy is an amazing man - but as an onlooker, you do not know that, you do not see that. I need to know your thoughts if YOU were to see an in-shape attractive woman out with an obese man. I am not a shallow woman - but naturally, this is somewhat a concern. Am I putting some sort of respectability (if that's the right word) of my own on the line? What were people thinking when they kept looking? Put yourself in their position - what would YOU be thinking?

Please, no hecklers.

For those that may say that if I am uncertain that we should just be friends - he does like me and I do like him, so 'friends only' is not really an option. However, taking it SLOW is - and I plan to just for the fact that this is foreign and unusual territory to me. And I cannot just tell him that I like him but due to his size it is unusual for me - or can I? How could I tell someone that in a gentle, encouraging, non-threatening way? I do not want to hurt his feelings whatsoever. My intent is of goodness.

Grrrrrrrrr!!! I'm so confused. I hope you can help me sort this out in my head. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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Old 09-06-2009, 01:23 PM
Location: Vancouver, B.C., Canada
10,897 posts, read 23,117,842 times
Reputation: 5306
jeep girl if you had a reality show on dating my SO would most likely watch it because of the interesting people you date.
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Old 09-06-2009, 01:27 PM
17,752 posts, read 15,597,453 times
Reputation: 6391
Originally Posted by kek1993 View Post
I think it is nice that you are dating him, because you like him. But, with someone like that, it is easy to hurt him because he is vulnerable.

Also, it seems like you don't really like him, because you want him to change. Yes, he should lose weight for his health, but it should not be because you want him to change.

If he does not lose weight, when do you dump him? Do you tell him you will only date him if he diests? Are you the "diet police"? Nothing is more miserable than dating someone who polices and judges every bite of food you put in your mouth, been there, done that.

The reality of having sex with someone who is obese, he may have skin discolorations, skin blemishes, odors in the skin folds where he is not able to wash, and as for being on top, if he has a large amount of fat on his belly, that is not going to work very well, because of the angles. Most obese men have sexual problems, because of taking blood pressure medication, diabetes medication, and even if they take medication to obviate the symtoms of those drugs, there may be excess fat and skin in the groin area that makes sex very difficult, if not impossible to have with a partner.

Hi kek1993,

The draw backs can be vastly understated and often political correctness only allows us to discuss the health effects. However simple things like walking, bike ridding, swimming are also severly curtailed. There is an all around loss of function.
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Old 09-06-2009, 01:37 PM
Location: St Thomas, US Virgin Islands
24,671 posts, read 58,131,229 times
Reputation: 26518
Originally Posted by seeniorita View Post
PS....for the hecklers....GROW UP!! (you know who you are)
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Old 09-06-2009, 01:44 PM
Location: Vancouver, B.C., Canada
10,897 posts, read 23,117,842 times
Reputation: 5306
to be honest if the role were reversed if I would not date a 400 lb woman we could be friends but since I would not be sexually attracted to her I doubt we could be more than that and that's me just being honest here. you do have to be some what sexually attracted to your SO IMO
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Old 09-06-2009, 01:47 PM
Location: SW Missouri
15,847 posts, read 30,269,339 times
Reputation: 22342
Originally Posted by gwynedd1 View Post
Hi kek1993,

The draw backs can be vastly understated and often political correctness only allows us to discuss the health effects. However simple things like walking, bike ridding, swimming are also severly curtailed. There is an all around loss of function.
Do you know any fat people personally? This blanket statement does not apply to everyone. The fat guy I dated was a black belt in martial arts and was VERY physically active.

Also, keep in mind, if you would, that not everyone enjoys the activities that you mention. Aside from the necessary walking to get to my car, or in a grocery store, etc., I do not have much interest in biking or swimming or walking for walking's sake. If a person chooses not to participate in these activities (such as myself), it has nothing to do with weight but just personal preferences.

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