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If you really deep down think he "could" or "might" change then get seperated and give him a chance to work it out with you before jumping straight to divorce.
Date him again, let him come pick you up and go to dinner, remind yourselves why you fell in love again in the first place. if you can't get a babysitter then you can still have dates, he just has to be more creative. I would definately have one person move out and make it a real seperation though, make him miss you.
A trial seperation that might end up helping you is lots cheaper than a divorce. If you still end up getting divorced at least you know you gave it every chance possible.
I don't think you have been there, if you had you wouldn't be saying it the way it is. If you have, then maybe you had a rich husband that you're collect alimony on and you're living the life.
Also, she have him 1 chance, and because complacency has been in effect for 13 years that he didn't really bite on a verbal attempt to give him a "last chance" that she should give it up? Really? 13 years together he only gets ONE chance? She talked to him about divorce and it sounds like he's realized how serious this really is and it's his wake up call. He still loves you for crying out loud, that has got to mean something. If he's willing to change then give him the chance. His abuse isn't puting you in the hospital is it? You can afford to give him the chance to work on this together. I think if you had a choice between it working out and you divorcing, the OP would choose the marriage working out. That's what's important, and I say she goes for it. At this point, she has nothing to lose and everything to gain by giving him a true chance at saving the marriage.
Divorce gets better? Disagree, life just becomes "different", but not necessarily better after a divorce.
Been there. Been divorced. Life IS much better after divorce. It's way too short to live in misery. Alimony??? I'm a guy. Maybe you're a woman that needs to live off of a man to exist. Word to the wise no matter what your sex is: Make your own way in life and share with those you love, don't depend on someone else for your happiness or livelyhood.
I don't have to have a piece of paper to tell someone I love them. My word is good. Which is my point exactly. You say she should give up after giving him only 1 chance? I'm sure she's told him a thousand times that there's problems. He's told her he'll change. The only time he listens is when she say's she's leaving. You say she should give him the chance to work on it together? What the heck has he been doing the past couple years?
This applies to any situation: If you aren't happy change the situation until you are. If you can't change the situation then you have 2 options. Accept it and live with it, or leave.
Been there. Been divorced. Life IS much better after divorce. It's way too short to live in misery. Alimony??? I'm a guy. Maybe you're a woman that needs to live off of a man to exist. Word to the wise no matter what your sex is: Make your own way in life and share with those you love, don't depend on someone else for your happiness or livelyhood.
I don't have to have a piece of paper to tell someone I love them. My word is good. Which is my point exactly. You say she should give up after giving him only 1 chance? I'm sure she's told him a thousand times that there's problems. He's told her he'll change. The only time he listens is when she say's she's leaving. You say she should give him the chance to work on it together? What the heck has he been doing the past couple years?
This applies to any situation: If you aren't happy change the situation until you are. If you can't change the situation then you have 2 options. Accept it and live with it, or leave.
Nope I'm a guy. I lived through my parent's divorce at 21. My mom left my dad thinking it was the answer and didn't give him a chance to fix it. No counceling, no separation, nothing. Now she regrets it, like is a little better than when she started the divorce, but it was brutal for like 5 years.
Who said anything about depending on anyone for happiness? You're the only one that brought that up, sounds like a personal problem.
Saying something and actually doing something are two different things. I'm sure she's said things to him, but now that she's brought up divorce, he can see she's actually doing something. Whole new ball game to him.
I agree if you're not happy with a situation you should change it, but why does everyone assume that change HAS to be divorce? This is making her sick to her stomach, meaning it's against her gut feeling, it's making her sick to think about this. It's not the easy nor "right" thing to do for her and she can feel it in her body, she knows it's wrong because they both still love each other. She needs to separate, show him she means business, and give him some time to make steps toward change. This isn't something he can or will change overnight. Maybe those were your expectations and well, your marriage failed.
I don't know what to say. I am curious haven't the counsellers been able to help you with your anxiety? Anxiety is a killer. It doesn't just disappear once you are rid of your husband. Are you possibly upset because you don't believe in divorce? Do you feel guilt becasue of the children? I don't know what to say. Have you spoken with the therapists about this? The anxiety you have , seems to me , can only get worse staying unhappy as it doesn't sound like you are making a rash decision. The longer you stay anxious, the harder it will be to get rid of later. So it's good to go, sounds to me. Best for your mental health.
Nope I'm a guy. I lived through my parent's divorce at 21. My mom left my dad thinking it was the answer and didn't give him a chance to fix it. No counceling, no separation, nothing. Now she regrets it, like is a little better than when she started the divorce, but it was brutal for like 5 years.
Who said anything about depending on anyone for happiness? You're the only one that brought that up, sounds like a personal problem.
Saying something and actually doing something are two different things. I'm sure she's said things to him, but now that she's brought up divorce, he can see she's actually doing something. Whole new ball game to him.
I agree if you're not happy with a situation you should change it, but why does everyone assume that change HAS to be divorce? This is making her sick to her stomach, meaning it's against her gut feeling, it's making her sick to think about this. It's not the easy nor "right" thing to do for her and she can feel it in her body, she knows it's wrong because they both still love each other. She needs to separate, show him she means business, and give him some time to make steps toward change. This isn't something he can or will change overnight. Maybe those were your expectations and well, your marriage failed.
Talk to your mom, no counselling, no separation, no working on it= somebody screwing around, but that's your personal problem for another board. You obviously need to learn about marriage and divorce from somebody other than mommy and daddy. You say yourself your mom is happier now. If you ever go through one you'll understand some things. Sometimes love isn't enough, and it's always better to be at peace alone than busting your ass for someone that won't take the time to fix it. You disagree with me, fine, I could care less. Tell the OP your advice. Don't waste your brain cells on guessing about me. You have one point of view, your mother's. Ask anyone divorced on the boards if they're happier after than they were before, a majority will say after, but that it was hard at first. She's made her decision, a personal one that you obviously have never had to make. And if you ever do you'll realize it's the hardest and sometimes scariest decision of your life. What she needs now is support, not people trying to lay a guilt trip on her telling her she won't find someone better and making it worse.
If I were in your shoes, I would ask for a separation not a divorce. Tell him that you want to separate for few months to see how it goes. You can still see each other and all that. He can see his kids if he wishes... Even have activities together.. I think, say in 4-6 months you will know what to do. But live in a different place with the kids for that period..
i just think you both are stressed from having to take care of kids....since mommy wants to give so much advice tell her to watch the kids for a while so you can spend some quality time with your husband.
Vows are very serious and if you break them you will suffer
If he's willing to change then give him the chance. His abuse isn't puting you in the hospital is it?
Are you serious. How much abuse is acceptable? Sometimes verbal and emotional abuse is more devestating than black eyes and broken ribs.
Sounds to me that she has given him several chances and is about at the end of her rope. I agree that these things should not be rushed into, but it sounds like it is time to take a serious step forward.
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