I'm asking for a divorce and..... (marriage, women, husband, family)

[robee70]

OK - This is my first personal post. I've never really been active on a message board, but I found ths one over the weekend and thought that maybe I could get some insight from others.

Long story short - Married 13.5 yrs, 2 boys (both with special needs) and I am about to ask my husband for a divorce. This is not a rash decision, I have contemplated it for years and did not want this. I have tried over the course of the last 6 years (after our second son was found to have special needs) to do everything I could to salvage this marriage. I have asked my husband to go to counseling with me or separately, I have spoken to our clergy, I've asked his family for assistance, but he has refused and repeatedly stated that he is fine and if I have problems then I should get counseling and I do.

Three and a half years ago, I asked him for a divorce and he "appeared" to have an epiphany - he claimed that he understood, he got that his behavior was abusive and demeaning. But within a few months he reverted to his old ways & behaviors.

I know that staying with him is no longer an option for me, because being in this marriage with him has made me physically ill. He has destroyed my self-confidence and self-esteem. He has sucked the joy and life out of me. I need to be healthy and at peace to care for my 2 boys and not on pins and needles, living in anxiety.

He has practically no involvement in his son's lives and doesn't tend to or even understand their needs.

So, the question is, why am I nauseous and shaking at the thought of getting a divorce? Why am I so sad when I believe in my heart that this is for the best?

[Thursday007]

No one likes drastic change and going out into the great unknown.

[GypsySoul22]

I'm sorry this is happening.

Just for the record, parents of special ed. kids have a higher divorce rate. I can see why sometimes (I have a son with learning disabilities) and the frustration level is quite high. If you have a partner on the opposite page from you, it can be hard to cope.

Change is hard. Hang in there.

[stan4]

Because divorce and that kind of change is like a death and you will feel pretty bad about the whole thing...but I bet once it's done, you'll feel pretty darn relieved. That was the most surprising thing to me...after 7 years of a relationship...scared to pull the plug, but then strangely elated and freed when I did.

[Snort]

First off, you need a much better therapist if you believe you have to resort to coming to an online forum to sort out this life-changing move.
To rule out your issues, I'd ask at a university psych program (or a good clinical psychologist, if you have the money) to take a personality test such as the MMPI or similar, just to be on the safe side.
The other side of the story is an important one. What does your husband want?
Not saying that your perception is incorrect, just that you want to get good info before making such a big decision. Hopefully there is a way to save your marriage and your mental health.

[1984vt]

You feel sad because a loss is a loss and you are losing a part of your life, albeit a bad part but a loss the same.

You feel afraid because you are facing an unknown. The best way to alleviate this is to plan plan plan. Figure out a budget and your support system, both emotional and physical as in who will pick up the children or help out when I need to go run errands (like an OBGYN appt) and can't take them etc. Find an affordable place if you aren't staying in your present home and find a school for the children if they need to move also. Do this prior to moving out and it will relieve some of the stress of the situation.

[findinghope]

it seems like you have made a decision and your question is why do you feel so sick about it. well what your doing takes GUTS! you are doing something that you know will be difficult. you will be a woman on her own presumably with the children who on top of everything have special needs.
the fact is that anything worth doing is going to be difficult and this WILL make you stronger.
the most difficult part is to take the first step. do what you feel is right and everything will follow. not easily, mind you, but life is full of dark spots to get through.
good luck!

[robee70]

Originally Posted by Snort

First off, you need a much better therapist if you believe you have to resort to coming to an online forum to sort out this life-changing move.
To rule out your issues, I'd ask at a university psych program (or a good clinical psychologist, if you have the money) to take a personality test such as the MMPI or similar, just to be on the safe side.
The other side of the story is an important one. What does your husband want?
Not saying that your perception is incorrect, just that you want to get good info before making such a big decision. Hopefully there is a way to save your marriage and your mental health.

The purpose of my post was not to look for validation of my decision or to justify or excuse my reasons. I will not get into the private details of my marriage, but I can assure you that I have spent the majority of my marriage with a man, who has refused to consider anyone's needs but his own or make any effort to resolve our problems. It's my value system and my original desire to stay with the father of my children and keep my family whole, which caused me to stay this long.

Regardless, I know my decision is the right one (actually my family who I have recently shared the news with) said to me "It was long overdue". Still, I feel sick in my stomach and sad about the whole thing.

[Snort]

I can assure you that I have spent the majority of my marriage with a man, who has refused to consider anyone's needs but his own or make any effort to resolve our problems

It's a statement like this and your original post that concerned me and made me think that a good clinical psych can help point out patterns in your thinking and behavior that led you into this type of marriage.

[Woof Woof Woof!]

Originally Posted by robee70

So, the question is, why am I nauseous and shaking at the thought of getting a divorce? Why am I so sad when I believe in my heart that this is for the best?

Because you are SCARED and this is a HUGE move in your life, but sometimes we have to do things that are really hard and scary because that is what is best for us.

These sort of decisions are NEVER crystal clear. It's like trying to navigate through fog that's as thick as pea soup. Sometimes the clarity doesn't come until much, much later.

You might want to do some reading on abusive situations and why women stay. I left an abusive situation several years ago and I was a train wreck. I was never quite sure if I was making the right decision, but some little voice inside me told me I had to leave to save myself.

Abuse destroys your self esteem so you really have to take a giant leap of faith, faith in yourself. You have to act as though you are worthy, even though deep down you may feel that you are not. It takes huge amount of courage to make these sort of changes in life.

Hopefully, you will find some people to support you through this very difficult time.

W.