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Old 09-10-2009, 01:45 PM
 
Location: Between Philadelphia and Allentown, PA
5,077 posts, read 13,039,874 times
Reputation: 3727

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Quote:
Originally Posted by bigquestions View Post
Hi,

I am a young female and I got engaged a little over 1 year ago, shortly after my fiance (let's call him BF) finished his post-grad studies.

Since our engagement, our relationship has been very difficult, mostly due to the fact that he could not find a job back home. He tried to find a job that would allow us to stay close to our families, however, given his specialization, he has had very little luck finding a job which he considers stimulating or "worthy" of his time and effort and offered the right salary.

I felt that he placed more importance on his career (than me) and he felt that I did not support him.

Finally, we have moved a few hours away (6 to be exact) because he was given a great opportunity. Without a doubt, I acknowledge that this job will help him later on ... However,

Everyday, I still dream of moving back home, being close to my family and friends which I miss DEARLY...he doesn't seem as bothered by the distance and actually refuses to discuss how long he wants to stay...he keeps saying "we will see, take it a day at the time, we will move IF I find an "as good" job" (if that is even possible) - somewhat non-committal ... 3 years? 5 years? 10 years? his only asnwer is "I don't know".

Now I find myself requestioning our entire relationship... being far from my family (or former life) almost makes me depressive and am bothered by the fact that he won't discuss this issue....

Am I being unreasonable? Refusing to let go of my easy lifestyle back home? Is it unreasonable to think that a couple should be able to discuss issues like where to live and for how long, especially when a move is required?

And this is just the big part of it ... other secondary issues (some pertaining to respect and communication) also exist ...

I understand your pain, I really do. It's tough moving away from friends and family at any age but I think especially so when you're young.
Your fiance is doing the right thing, he found a good job in spite of our poor economy and high jobless rate and by him saying "we'll see" is his way of not making any promises to you - he's trying to just see how things are going to go and that's all he can do.

Try and be happy for him and for you - a new job in a new location can be fun! it's an adventure and that's how you have to look at life sometimes. You can always visit your family and vice versa but don't let it be a stressor for such a new relationship.

Be patient and see how things go, that's all he's asking.
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Old 09-10-2009, 01:45 PM
 
2,133 posts, read 5,246,497 times
Reputation: 1398
It's all part of growing up, and no insult intended, but if you aren't ready to move away from mom, you probably aren't ready to be married.

We live 23 hours from "home". We'd rather be back there (better lifestyle) but the jobs are here and, in this economy, very few people can just walk away from a sure thing and hope that they will find something as good, or better, back in the home town.

If your fiance doesn't respect you, on top of everything else, you need to rethink the entire relationship. Don't wait 'til after you are married when it will be much more difficult, and more expensive, to make the break.
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Old 09-10-2009, 01:57 PM
 
Location: Alaska
5,356 posts, read 16,314,565 times
Reputation: 4023
Look at the situation from his point of view. It sounds like he is in a field where there are little to no opportunities where your families live. He finally found a job, but it was 6 hours away. Think of the relief he must have felt when he finally was able to support the both of you. At this point, he's happy to be working in a job that will provide opportunities for the future.

Now here's what you're doing. You're telling him to give all that up and potentially stall his career or end it. While you're not telling him to do it now, you want to place a time frame that you can later hold over his head.

To me, it sounds like you're just like a little kid, who forced to go shopping, asks if we can go home now once you get to the mall. What if you force him to move and he doesn't find a job? Can you support the both of you? Will you resent him for being unemployed? Will he resent you for forcing him to leave a good career?

I'm guessing that he doesn't want to talk about it because he already knows you won't like the answers. If he's happy in his job, he's probably thinking this will be a lifetime with this company, which means he'll either stay there of move to other company locations. I think he knows you don't want to hear that.

For background, I took a job that was about 2 hours away from family, by plane. My wife wasn't happy about it, but it was an opportunity for me at the time and I knew there was a chance she wouldn't join me. She came up and wasn't happy. She also made me promise we'd only be there for 2 years. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view), the company moved further away, but to a better location. My wife's attitude changed because she like the area and community better. So it's been 2 jobs and 20+ years later and it was the best choice we made for our future.
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Old 09-10-2009, 03:14 PM
 
14 posts, read 29,197 times
Reputation: 12
I thank everyone who has responded. Although some responses seemed a little "cold", they do make sense. As for our other issues, these should be the main reasons for running off - but we are trying to resolve those issues when they arise.
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Old 09-11-2009, 10:48 AM
 
Location: Philly
1,776 posts, read 3,616,015 times
Reputation: 824
While I agree that you should look at the big picture, the fact that you are in a process of leaving your family and becoming a new family with your fiance, it sounds like HE can be a little more giving and considerate.

My girl hit me with those 'when' questions- as if I could give her a date. I think, if anything it was her worrying and not recognizing that's what the real issue was- she was looking for some assurance from me.

We've come a long way, matured, and the plan is that she's going to stop making these assumptions and running with them. She's going to talk, ask questions, and express her concerns. Respectfully.

You might want to really reflect, and get a sense of exactly your concerns are. Approch him and express concern- don't nag, or make it seem like you are blaming him- it turns men off. Just see if you can get an understanding of it all, but let him know it would help you if you had some more assurance.
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Old 09-11-2009, 10:59 AM
 
Location: Whiteville Tennessee
8,262 posts, read 16,343,678 times
Reputation: 10042
"refusing to let go of my EASY lifestyle back home." Marriage isnt always easy. It seldom is really. If you arent willing to work at it and make sacrifices, then you need to return home now and let your fiance concentrate on his career. But I think your statement that I quotated above pretty much tells us what your priorities are right now.
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Old 09-11-2009, 11:06 AM
 
259 posts, read 653,827 times
Reputation: 190
missing family or where you just moved from is normal when you move to a new place. are you jumping in to the community where you live now? start to create some roots there so that you don't feel so isolated or alone.
as far as missing your family, why don't you talk to them via webcam. that way you can see and talk to them just like a real life visit.

if being with your soon-to-be-husband is what you want (which is why you agreed to marry him and move with him), than you need to figure out a way to make things work within yourself. he's not going to be able to do it for you, you know?
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Old 09-11-2009, 04:04 PM
 
283 posts, read 839,832 times
Reputation: 143
do not marry until all of this is sorted out. You both have a lot of thinking to do. He needs to know how you feel. If he does and this is where the disrespect comes in as in not caring , I doubt marriage will make it better. Lots of things to sort out. Is he willing to work through these concerns with you?
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Old 09-12-2009, 05:29 PM
 
Location: Sunny Florida
7,136 posts, read 10,989,670 times
Reputation: 9459
If there's a lack of respect and you don't feel like you can talk about these issues and work them out this relationship is not going to work. Communication and respect are essential. I feel your pain and wish you well. You've got some really big decisions to make.
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Old 09-12-2009, 05:35 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,847 posts, read 30,293,320 times
Reputation: 22343
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigquestions View Post
Hi,

I am a young female and I got engaged a little over 1 year ago, shortly after my fiance (let's call him BF) finished his post-grad studies.

Since our engagement, our relationship has been very difficult, mostly due to the fact that he could not find a job back home. He tried to find a job that would allow us to stay close to our families, however, given his specialization, he has had very little luck finding a job which he considers stimulating or "worthy" of his time and effort and offered the right salary.

I felt that he placed more importance on his career (than me) and he felt that I did not support him.

Finally, we have moved a few hours away (6 to be exact) because he was given a great opportunity. Without a doubt, I acknowledge that this job will help him later on ... However,

Everyday, I still dream of moving back home, being close to my family and friends which I miss DEARLY...he doesn't seem as bothered by the distance and actually refuses to discuss how long he wants to stay...he keeps saying "we will see, take it a day at the time, we will move IF I find an "as good" job" (if that is even possible) - somewhat non-committal ... 3 years? 5 years? 10 years? his only asnwer is "I don't know".

Now I find myself requestioning our entire relationship... being far from my family (or former life) almost makes me depressive and am bothered by the fact that he won't discuss this issue....

Am I being unreasonable? Refusing to let go of my easy lifestyle back home? Is it unreasonable to think that a couple should be able to discuss issues like where to live and for how long, especially when a move is required?

And this is just the big part of it ... other secondary issues (some pertaining to respect and communication) also exist ...
Sounds like you are so totally NOT ready to get married.

20yrsinBranson
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