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Old 09-12-2009, 02:28 PM
 
8,415 posts, read 35,212,326 times
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I wonder if anyone is really happy too. I swear we are built just to get sick of each other. Why do you fear being alone? Have you ever been?
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Old 09-12-2009, 02:30 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,847 posts, read 30,255,290 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DixieChick1972 View Post
Because when we were dating, it was a different story. I swore I'd kill myself if I was not (re)married by the time I was 30.... we did have fun together back then.
So what changed? and why?

20yrsinBranson
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Old 09-12-2009, 02:36 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,387 posts, read 17,302,981 times
Reputation: 14017
Quote:
Originally Posted by DixieChick1972 View Post
... We seem to go along OK until I talk to my mom about my marriage, she really lit a fire under my tail about, why are you still married.

Maybe it's time to move AWAY FROM your mother. At least quit talking about your husband with your mother. It doesn't sound like she's helping!

I had a mother-in-law a bit like your mother. I don't think she ever told my ex that she should dump me, but it was obvious she didn't care for me as a son-in-law. Of course she never knew all the facts either -- very few.

Don't let your mother influence your decisions too much, one way or another. If you can't find happiness with your husband, end the marriage, whether it's your second marriage or your third or fourth one. But don't end it without giving it your very best shot. And don't even talk to your mother about it. Talk to a clergyman or a counselor. Mothers, God love them, are the last ones to be objective.

I was my late wife's fourth husband. Sounds pretty scary, but I've never been so happy in my life as the years we were together. She said the same thing. Sadly, she died during our fourth year.
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Old 09-12-2009, 02:47 PM
 
Location: TN
264 posts, read 731,595 times
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My situation is very similar, except substitute my twin sister for the mother. I have many of the same fears about being alone and I also worry that maybe I am just being too negative (i have a tendency to do that) and dwelling on all of the bad things. There are some great things about my husband and there are kids involved so it makes it a tough call. Also, I think back to how things were when I was dating and I remember that he was the only one that ever really "got me", and I wonder if I will ever find someone else that does, esp. now that I am no longer young and less attractive than I was and also have the 3 kids under the age of 5 (gosh, what a catch !)...from reading in this forum...it would appear that divorced women with kids are doomed to a life of loneliness and misery...so yes, that worries me. To the OP: have you tried counseling? We had some small success with that...I think it is most helpful for the man, who doesn't usually have as big a support system, less people to talk over serious issues with (the strong, silent type, etc.). My family is constantly telling me "life's too short" yada yada yada, and I realize they are right, but it is not an easy decision to make.
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Old 09-12-2009, 02:48 PM
 
Location: Bon Temps
1,743 posts, read 3,993,838 times
Reputation: 1831
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
So what changed? and why?

20yrsinBranson
Back then, we lived in "neutral territory"... family/inlaw issues were pretty much non-existent. We did a lot of hanging out together, and we got along fine.
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Old 09-12-2009, 02:48 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,847 posts, read 30,255,290 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wilsonmom3 View Post
My situation is very similar, except substitute my twin sister for the mother. I have many of the same fears about being alone and I also worry that maybe I am just being too negative (i have a tendency to do that) and dwelling on all of the bad things. There are some great things about my husband and there are kids involved so it makes it a tough call. Also, I think back to how things were when I was dating and I remember that he was the only one that ever really "got me", and I wonder if I will ever find someone else that does, esp. now that I am no longer young and less attractive than I was and also have the 3 kids under the age of 5 (gosh, what a catch !)...from reading in this forum...it would appear that divorced women with kids are doomed to a life of loneliness and misery...so yes, that worries me. To the OP: have you tried counseling? We had some small success with that...I think it is most helpful for the man, who doesn't usually have as big a support system, less people to talk over serious issues with (the strong, silent type, etc.). My family is constantly telling me "life's too short" yada yada yada, and I realize they are right, but it is not an easy decision to make.
I'd also recommend Dr. Laura's book. "The Care and Feeding of Husbands'. It has save a LOT of marriages.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 09-12-2009, 02:51 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 22,532,044 times
Reputation: 24023
Quote:
Originally Posted by DixieChick1972 View Post
Back then, we lived in "neutral territory"... family/inlaw issues were pretty much non-existent. We did a lot of hanging out together, and we got along fine.
Bam! Here we go yet again, with the family.
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Old 09-12-2009, 03:02 PM
 
Location: Bradenton, Florida
27,236 posts, read 41,265,569 times
Reputation: 10950
You're not a loser for standing up for yourself and treating yourself with respect--by not being with this guy. He doesn't seem to "love" you through the words and actions you've presented for us here.

Though there are hard times in every relationship, as long as the good times outweigh the bad, there's no reason not to stick with it. That doesn't seem to be the case with you.
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Old 09-12-2009, 03:07 PM
 
Location: SW Missouri
15,847 posts, read 30,255,290 times
Reputation: 22341
Quote:
Originally Posted by TKramar View Post
You're not a loser for standing up for yourself and treating yourself with respect--by not being with this guy. He doesn't seem to "love" you through the words and actions you've presented for us here.

Though there are hard times in every relationship, as long as the good times outweigh the bad, there's no reason not to stick with it. That doesn't seem to be the case with you.
We have not heard his side of the story either. Perhaps she does not support his interests. She would not be "boring" if she supported his interests and made them her interests too. She may be overly critical of him or his behavior. We have no way of knowing. Marriages that are in trouble are usually caused because people begin to think more of themselves, their own needs than the other person. It is definitely NOT easy to always put your spouse first, but if you want to have a happy marriage it is definitely the best way to do it.

20yrsinBranson
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Old 09-12-2009, 03:11 PM
 
Location: NW Montana
6,258 posts, read 12,884,343 times
Reputation: 3429
Quote:
Originally Posted by DixieChick1972 View Post
Probably shouldn't drink and post but:

I have been married for 10+ years, and I guess I do love my husband in a way, but I really question how he feels about me...If I ever have a crisis, I he just pretty much criticizes me, or "kicks me when I am down". For example, I had some sort of gosh awful panic attack and thought I was dying, he did not seem to care at all, in fact he yelled at me and told me to just shut up because I was being stupid. He never really takes any of my interests seriously, he thinks everything I like is dumb.

My mother cannot stand him, in fact she has done everything but come right out and tell me that she flat out hates him. She drops hints that I should get out of this marriage. She feels this way because of how his family acts, and the fact that he has kept things hidden from me. I found things out about him that he are not good (financial stuff etc... prior and current drug use) that he doesn't know that I know. He honestly thinks I am too stupid to have found this stuff out. The drug thing, I have seen with my own eyes...I am pretty naive yes, but I have figured out what marijuana is, especially when I find something hidden in a crack in in a plastic bag.

I cannot stand his family, I have no respect for them at all, they are rude, unreasonable and demanding and just my opinion "white trash". I am not an uppity person, I have just formed this opinion over years of dealing with them.

I just find myself disappointed when I know he is going to be around. He says I am "boring" but why would I even want to go do things with somebody who constantly cuts me down and makes me feel worthless? I do feel a sense of obligation to him, I did ask him to move close to MY family and stuff and he did. I feel guilty a bit that he did this for me and that I almost owe him. It's not as if he spends any time w/my family. We live like within 5 minutes and he hasn't been to their house since February.

I am 37 years old, I do not want to be alone... this is my second marriage, and I do not want to be a "two time loser". It is not even a money thing, I have done our taxes... I make more money than he does. I am not staying with him for a meal ticket. I just need somebody, I do not want to be this pathetic old "cat lady". I do not want to have to live through the shame of a divorce....make that 2nd divorce. I am bound and determined to stay in this marriage, but many times I start questioning my sanity and think I would be better off without him. I just have a horrible fear of being alone and do not think I could ever find anybody else who would put up with me and some of my annoying habits. I never wanted anybody to get hurt in a situation like this, I guess I do love him, but I just wish things were different between us.


Oh well, sorry for the rant.... anybody else ever feel this way?
Try this:
Insert your best friend's name in the above post at any reference to yourself.
This should make it clear to you. I hope you have no children.
Good luck.
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