How Often are People Truly Happily Married? (dating, women, love)
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I have been married for 10+ years, and I guess I do love my husband in a way, but I really question how he feels about me...If I ever have a crisis, I he just pretty much criticizes me, or "kicks me when I am down". For example, I had some sort of gosh awful panic attack and thought I was dying, he did not seem to care at all, in fact he yelled at me and told me to just shut up because I was being stupid. He never really takes any of my interests seriously, he thinks everything I like is dumb.
My mother cannot stand him, in fact she has done everything but come right out and tell me that she flat out hates him. She drops hints that I should get out of this marriage. She feels this way because of how his family acts, and the fact that he has kept things hidden from me. I found things out about him that he are not good (financial stuff etc... prior and current drug use) that he doesn't know that I know. He honestly thinks I am too stupid to have found this stuff out. The drug thing, I have seen with my own eyes...I am pretty naive yes, but I have figured out what marijuana is, especially when I find something hidden in a crack in in a plastic bag.
I cannot stand his family, I have no respect for them at all, they are rude, unreasonable and demanding and just my opinion "white trash". I am not an uppity person, I have just formed this opinion over years of dealing with them.
I just find myself disappointed when I know he is going to be around. He says I am "boring" but why would I even want to go do things with somebody who constantly cuts me down and makes me feel worthless? I do feel a sense of obligation to him, I did ask him to move close to MY family and stuff and he did. I feel guilty a bit that he did this for me and that I almost owe him. It's not as if he spends any time w/my family. We live like within 5 minutes and he hasn't been to their house since February.
I am 37 years old, I do not want to be alone... this is my second marriage, and I do not want to be a "two time loser". It is not even a money thing, I have done our taxes... I make more money than he does. I am not staying with him for a meal ticket. I just need somebody, I do not want to be this pathetic old "cat lady". I do not want to have to live through the shame of a divorce....make that 2nd divorce. I am bound and determined to stay in this marriage, but many times I start questioning my sanity and think I would be better off without him. I just have a horrible fear of being alone and do not think I could ever find anybody else who would put up with me and some of my annoying habits. I never wanted anybody to get hurt in a situation like this, I guess I do love him, but I just wish things were different between us.
Oh well, sorry for the rant.... anybody else ever feel this way?
I have been married for 10+ years, and I guess I do love my husband in a way, but I really question how he feels about me...If I ever have a crisis, I he just pretty much criticizes me, or "kicks me when I am down". For example, I had some sort of gosh awful panic attack and thought I was dying, he did not seem to care at all, in fact he yelled at me and told me to just shut up because I was being stupid. He never really takes any of my interests seriously, he thinks everything I like is dumb.
My mother cannot stand him, in fact she has done everything but come right out and tell me that she flat out hates him. She drops hints that I should get out of this marriage. She feels this way because of how his family acts, and the fact that he has kept things hidden from me. I found things out about him that he are not good (financial stuff etc... prior and current drug use) that he doesn't know that I know. He honestly thinks I am too stupid to have found this stuff out. The drug thing, I have seen with my own eyes...I am pretty naive yes, but I have figured out what marijuana is, especially when I find something hidden in a crack in in a plastic bag.
I cannot stand his family, I have no respect for them at all, they are rude, unreasonable and demanding and just my opinion "white trash". I am not an uppity person, I have just formed this opinion over years of dealing with them.
I just find myself disappointed when I know he is going to be around. He says I am "boring" but why would I even want to go do things with somebody who constantly cuts me down and makes me feel worthless? I do feel a sense of obligation to him, I did ask him to move close to MY family and stuff and he did. I feel guilty a bit that he did this for me and that I almost owe him. It's not as if he spends any time w/my family. We live like within 5 minutes and he hasn't been to their house since February.
I am 37 years old, I do not want to be alone... this is my second marriage, and I do not want to be a "two time loser". It is not even a money thing, I have done our taxes... I make more money than he does. I am not staying with him for a meal ticket. I just need somebody, I do not want to be this pathetic old "cat lady". I do not want to have to live through the shame of a divorce....make that 2nd divorce. I am bound and determined to stay in this marriage, but many times I start questioning my sanity and think I would be better off without him. I just have a horrible fear of being alone and do not think I could ever find anybody else who would put up with me and some of my annoying habits. I never wanted anybody to get hurt in a situation like this, I guess I do love him, but I just wish things were different between us.
Oh well, sorry for the rant.... anybody else ever feel this way?
So if all this is true, why did you marry him in the first place?
Because when we were dating, it was a different story. I swore I'd kill myself if I was not (re)married by the time I was 30.... we did have fun together back then.
Wow! You sound really unhappy now.
Maybe its time for you to talk to your heart. Would you rather be alone, or unhappy? Your only 37 years old. There is still plenty of time to find someone new, that can make you happy.
I guess trying to talk to him about how you feel is out of the question huh?
Can you try to bring back the fun times that the two of you shared in the past, by planning things, doing something unexpected, etc?
Maybe you both are set in the "Ho-Hum mode."
Communication is definetly a MUST!
wow, didn't read you post op (just the question) and I didn't read the responses yet either, but you know, it just depends on the person. In general, I think many many marriages have problems (I am divorced) and I am wondering why relationships are so hard. They say if it's hard, that's not the person for you. (something like that) I think you have to move slowly and be very careful. Can't help quoting Jude Maybelline, but look deep before you leep. I did not and now I am divorced and older. But not too bothered by the older part as some would be due to aging process and biological clock. Move slow or you may join the ranks of unhappily married couples.
I've tried communicating, but that turns into an event where we end up yelling at each other. We seem to go along OK until I talk to my mom about my marriage, she really lit a fire under my tail about, why are you still married.
We seem to go along OK until I talk to my mom about my marriage, she really lit a fire under my tail about, why are you still married.
You both seem to go along OK, until.....
Think about that comment.
Communication is not about ending it in a yelling match. This is something that every couple needs to do, calmly.
Go for a drive together. Talk over dinner, or just go for a walk in the park.
I think that you both need to get your feelings out though, maturely, calmly, and straight forward.
Maybe you should make a list of the things that are problems and systematically address them one at a time. Give yourself and him a chance to work on each and gain trust in each other's commitment to improving things.
ok wow, read it now. Ummmmmm doesn't sound too good. I can understand very well not wanting to be a 2 time looser and not wanting to be a cat lady. There are other men out there. (I met one, Im your age) Nothing to indicate you'd end up a cat lady. Sounds a lot like my ex whom I stayed with too long and I somewhat regret the time I lost. I have anxiety, too, never had a full blown attack , but the way he responded when you had yours is horrible.
I am the same (I believe you said you don't want to be alone) If you have changed your way of communicating with him (read Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil) and he still is uncaring and pot smoking, Id go find someone else. If that's what you need in order to move on, do it. I know that is traditionally considered "bad" advice and most relationships are difficult, certainly make a better choice by moving slow, but if that is the only way you will move on, by all means find someone else. Do what you have to do to get out- just be careful of making a worse choice if this route works for you.
I never thought my ex cheated on me but we had in-law problems, he drank and gambled. I have found evidence of drug use (just looks like happened on occasion) and also women's phone numbers- so who really knows about the cheating. There is no excuse for his lack of regard for you (moved somewhere for you, he may even know you don't want to be a two time looser and uses that to his benefit.) and I guess what Im getting at is he may even be cheating , like mine may have. (Not that two wrongs make a right.) You never know but even without that, you have enough negatives to go, he probably won't change.
two time looser. Who cares, who has to know, really? You deserve to have a chance at happiness. I do not regret taking mine.
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