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Old 09-12-2009, 06:47 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,390 posts, read 17,311,940 times
Reputation: 14022

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Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313 View Post
You mean....you don`t know?
She is your wife. Maybe you need to find out?
It's not as easy as that. Many, many men and women who were sexually abused as children have never told their story and never will. They'll deny it until they're blue in the face.

DFOR's wife sounds just like my first wife, who denied me sex for the last 12-14 years of our marriage. In her mind, there was nothing to discuss. There was nothing wrong with our marriage. Don't be talking smut.

I had more to say, but BacktoNE beat me to it:

Quote:
Originally Posted by BacktoNE View Post
OMGosh, in 17 years you've never had a conversation with your wife about the reason for her issues?

Okay, that's where you need to start. Sit her down in the living room (NOT the bedroom under any circumstances) and gently, very gently ask her if there is something in her childhood that may have happened to her and her sister; or the other thing may be that her parents are of the mindset that sex is dirty and only for reproduction and otherwise just shouldn't be happening. (Gads! Can you imagine?) Either of those circumstances would trigger the reaction that your wife has, or doesn't have, towards sex.

Regarding the use of a condom after all this time. Good grief man, go get a vasectomy! Birth control isn't just the womans responsibility. The way they are done now, it's a piece of cake. DH had his done on a Friday, spent the weekend with a bag of frozen peas, and was back to work on Monday with no problems whatsoever. There is nothing sexier than spontaneous sex without ever having to worry about an unwanted pregnancy ever again. As long as you are both monogomous, you can kiss the condoms bye-bye after approx 4 weeks and 20 ejaculations (if memory serves correctly, it's been 10+ years).

At 42, your wife could very well be experiencing symptoms of perimenopause which can certainly lower sex drive. However, that would most likely not have been the case 8+ years ago so that probably isn't it. Does she see her gyno annually? Is she by any chance due to go again in the near future? I'm wondering if there are additional physical reasons for her unusual preferences.
At your age it's not likely you'll change your mind about wanting children. Get the snip. With any luck it'll be cheaper than a lifetime supply of condems. And it's MUCH better!

I think it's also obvious that you have a thing or two to learn about love making. Read a few books; this is important stuff. Your wife probably wouldn't allow it, but the Sinclair Institute produces a Better Sex video series that's excellent. They're best when viewed by couples -- gives you a chance to learn together and discuss what you're seeing and hearing.

Best of luck to you. My hat is off to you for sticking with your wife all these years and finally making SOME progress. I hope it continues to improve. Quickly!
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Old 09-12-2009, 07:03 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,227 posts, read 22,538,230 times
Reputation: 24023
Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
It's not as easy as that. Many, many men and women who were sexually abused as children have never told their story and never will. They'll deny it until they're blue in the face.
They have been married for 17 years!
A person can keep it within, but if your married, and for that long...My God! Wouldn`t you think that somewhere in the conversation, along those years, that this subject would come up?
I had no problem expressing my feelings, but however, I do understand, that some do. Thats just a long time, to spend with someone, and still not know this secret?
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Old 09-12-2009, 07:17 PM
 
10,996 posts, read 11,439,498 times
Reputation: 8359
In #1, you state that she is already finished when its time for your turn. Well of course, she wants nothing more after she is finished.

Anyway, I don't know what to advice. But 10 years of no sex and now suddenly you guys are having it? What happened? What triggered this renewal? There must be something, or someone, that triggered it.
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Old 09-12-2009, 07:25 PM
 
Location: New England
1,132 posts, read 2,057,962 times
Reputation: 1981
I appreciate the comments. Wyo, no, she probably would not watch any videos from the Sinclair Institute. She'd end up saying, "I'm not watching that smut". I know it. Stiff. Who knows, maybe I will anyway.

And about the possibility of some sexual trauma in the early years. It could be something at the ages of 2,3 or 4 that they don't even remember consciously. And she would never talk about it.

Heck the vascectomy would not have mattered from 2000-2008. I have thought about recently.

max's mama. I doubt there is a way to get her to open up. She doesn't like talking about sex.


BacktoNe, she does not see a gyno. Our general physician takes care of that for her. Which I think is a little odd, but what do I know about that.

This won't shock anyone, but I've never had a bj from her either.


Temptation001, after my almost straying this past January, I said I have had enough. Something is going to happen. So I started putting more energy or even demands (i use that term lightly) into the marriage. It is going to be a long process.......
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Old 09-12-2009, 07:27 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,302,020 times
Reputation: 39844
Quote:
Originally Posted by DFOR View Post
I appreciate the comments. Wyo, no, she probably would not watch any videos from the Sinclair Institute. She'd end up saying, "I'm not watching that smut". I know it. Stiff.

And about the possibility of some sexual trauma in the early years. It could be something at the ages of 2,3 or 4 that they don't even remember consciously. And she would never talk about it.

Heck the vascectomy would not have mattered from 2000-2008. I have thought about recently.

max's mama. I doubt there is a way to get her to open up. She doesn't like talking about sex.


BacktoNe, she does not see a gyno. Our general physician takes care of that for her. Which I think is a little odd, but what do I know about that.

This won't shock anyone, but I've never had a bj from her either.
DFOR, what would happen if you just simply stated to her - "this situation with our sex life is very unsatisfactory to me - I am very unhappy. I want you to see a therapist with me to discuss it."
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Old 09-12-2009, 07:28 PM
 
Location: South FL
9,444 posts, read 15,365,430 times
Reputation: 8028
Quote:
Originally Posted by DFOR View Post
I appreciate the comments. Wyo, no, she probably would not watch any videos from the Sinclair Institute. She'd end up saying, "I'm not watching that smut". I know it. Stiff.

And about the possibility of some sexual trauma in the early years. It could be something at the ages of 2,3 or 4 that they don't even remember consciously. And she would never talk about it.

Heck the vascectomy would not have mattered from 2000-2008. I have thought about recently.

max's mama. I doubt there is a way to get her to open up. She doesn't like talking about sex.


BacktoNe, she does not see a gyno. Our general physician takes care of that for her. Which I think is a little odd, but what do I know about that.

This won't shock anyone, but I've never had a bj from her either.
It's a shock to me, but I do have to say: You must really love your wife. She must be a wonderful person in all other aspects.
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Old 09-12-2009, 07:32 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,390 posts, read 17,311,940 times
Reputation: 14022
Quote:
Originally Posted by yankeegirl313 View Post
They have been married for 17 years!
A person can keep it within, but if your married, and for that long...My God! Wouldn`t you think that somewhere in the conversation, along those years, that this subject would come up?
I had no problem expressing my feelings, but however, I do understand, that some do. Thats just a long time, to spend with someone, and still not know this secret?
No, it's not unusual. My late wife was 48 when she first told her story. She went to a therapist because she had a deathly fear of flying and I had my own plane, which I flew regularly. The molestation incidents came out at that time and she then told me about it.

She spent much of the next couple years writing a book about adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse and interviewed several who had been through the trauma. It's a secret. Shhhhhhhhhhh... No tell, no harm. (Except for a few million ruined lives.)


(Oh, and we went on to make a few coast-to-coast trips in the plane. She learned to love flying and became editor of a regional pilot's magazine and secretary and publicist for the local chapter of the Experimental Aircraft Assn.)
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Old 09-12-2009, 07:36 PM
 
Location: New England
1,132 posts, read 2,057,962 times
Reputation: 1981
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovesMountains View Post
DFOR, what would happen if you just simply stated to her - "this situation with our sex life is very unsatisfactory to me - I am very unhappy. I want you to see a therapist with me to discuss it."

She'd probably say, "I'm not going to a therapist, that's crazy"


Quote:
Originally Posted by max's mama View Post
It's a shock to me, but I do have to say: You must really love your wife. She must be a wonderful person in all other aspects.

She actually is a very good person. Everybody likes her.
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Old 09-12-2009, 07:37 PM
 
Location: Up above the world so high!
45,270 posts, read 88,302,020 times
Reputation: 39844
Quote:
Originally Posted by WyoNewk View Post
No, it's not unusual. My late wife was 48 when she first told her story. She went to a therapist because she had a deathly fear of flying and I had my own plane, which I flew regularly. The molestation incidents came out at that time and she then told me about it.

She spent much of the next couple years writing a book about adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse and interviewed several who had been through the trauma. It's a secret. Shhhhhhhhhhh... No tell, no harm. (Except for a few million ruined lives.)


(Oh, and we went on to make a few coast-to-coast trips in the plane. She learned to love flying and became editor of a regional pilot's magazine and publicist for the local chapter of the Experimental Aircraft Assn.)
Awesome that she was able to overcome this trauma well enough to enjoy your lives together more
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Old 09-12-2009, 07:41 PM
 
Location: Wyoming
9,390 posts, read 17,311,940 times
Reputation: 14022
Quote:
Originally Posted by DFOR View Post
I appreciate the comments. Wyo, no, she probably would not watch any videos from the Sinclair Institute. She'd end up saying, "I'm not watching that smut". I know it. Stiff. Who knows, maybe I will anyway....

This won't shock anyone, but I've never had a bj from her either....
No surprise here. If my ex had a sister I'd think you married her.
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