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Old 09-13-2009, 03:38 PM
 
Location: far away in Europe
109 posts, read 297,917 times
Reputation: 79

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... does that mean I have to change something about myself?

Until now, every meaningful relationship I've had turned out to be with men who've had extremely unhappy childhoods, lived a life of material deprivation when young because their families were very poor or were emotionally scarred following their parents' divorce. It seems that the men who pursue me have an emotional baggage of scars they cannot get over, issues from childhood and upbringing that make them depressed personalities.

They were all exceptionally intelligent - which is what attracted me in the first place - and busted their a$$es to build a career from scratch in order to never go back to a life of misery. Although intelligence and hard work are 2 of the qualities that impress me most in men, they also tend to abuse alcohol, behave selfishly and aloof for the most part - so even if they're not necessarily selfish towards me, the sensation of them being selfish is there all the time, I can feel it and fear it.

They all said, in non-identical words but similar content, that what they liked in me was the wit, energy and playfulness.

I wonder, is it how it's meant to be, for me to trade the above qualities just to be with someone whom I can converse at a higher level and be mentally fit with,

or perhaps

I'm marketing myself in a way that keeps attracting men who have shortcomings in the emotional department because I come across as having an 'overwhelming personality', as one of them said - so men use me to counterbalance their introvert personalities?
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Old 09-13-2009, 03:39 PM
 
26,142 posts, read 31,084,990 times
Reputation: 27235
Like speaks to like.
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Old 09-13-2009, 03:43 PM
 
Location: far away in Europe
109 posts, read 297,917 times
Reputation: 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thursday007 View Post
Like speaks to like.
Next time, read the thread before you answer, as a sign of courtesy to the poster.
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Old 09-13-2009, 03:52 PM
 
Location: Tennessee
16,224 posts, read 25,577,631 times
Reputation: 24104
Quote:
Originally Posted by crossing over View Post

They were all exceptionally intelligent - which is what attracted me in the first place - and busted their a$$es to build a career from scratch in order to never go back to a life of misery. Although intelligence and hard work are 2 of the qualities that impress me most in men
I think these are two great qualities in a person. Noone is perfect, but the alcohol and drug abuse can be a down fall.
If they think enough of you, then possibly they would be willing to work on that.
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:12 PM
 
Location: I never said I was perfect so no refunds here sorry!
6,488 posts, read 7,153,343 times
Reputation: 29850
Could be nothing wrong with you at all, sounds more like growth in maturity and and self identification. Anytime someone wants somethng bad enough they find away to get it. (In my opinion)
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:13 PM
 
Location: Back in the gym...Yo Adrian!
10,163 posts, read 20,701,071 times
Reputation: 19855
Tough call, it's hard to control who is attracted to you. All I can recommend is at the first sign of these common denominators, sever your ties and move on. The sooner you can identify those things that seem to be a trend, the easier it will be for you. Just continue being yourself and try to be more perceptive or take more time in getting to know them before moving past the getting to know you friends stage.
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:27 PM
 
Location: Pawnee Nation
7,525 posts, read 16,909,297 times
Reputation: 7110
Quote:
Originally Posted by crossing over View Post
... does that mean I have to change something about myself?
I don't think so. I think many of the really successful self made men are coming from childhoods that pretty much sucked. One of the reasons they are successful is that they were taught to overcome. When you overcome abuse, deprivation, and hunger, you can pretty much overcome the competition down the street.

Further to overcome they also have to be smart, articulate, well read......all components you admire. So the predominate number of potential men for you (men you would find attractive) are going to be men with MAJOR issues in some way.

The unfortunate fact is, we ALL have major issues. The fortunate fact is, we all have developed coping skills. An unfortunate fact seems to be that many of us self medicate....frequently with alcohol. My personal favorite is scotch......but that probably has something to do with the complexity of the flavors as much as the alcohol itself.

So no, don't change. Just keep looking........
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Old 09-13-2009, 04:31 PM
 
26,142 posts, read 31,084,990 times
Reputation: 27235
Quote:
Originally Posted by crossing over View Post
... does that mean I have to change something about myself?

I wonder, is it how it's meant to be, for me to trade the above qualities just to be with someone whom I can converse at a higher level and be mentally fit with,

or perhaps

I'm marketing myself in a way that keeps attracting men who have shortcomings in the emotional department because I come across as having an 'overwhelming personality', as one of them said - so men use me to counterbalance their introvert personalities?
Quote:
Originally Posted by crossing over View Post
Next time, read the thread before you answer, as a sign of courtesy to the poster.
I did read it and it was just something to think about. Everyone, men and women have this issue and there is some element, just one tiny element, that connects us sometimes to the unpleasant sides of other's personalities and attracts us to them - often well intended or unconsciously. Finding out what that element is can be difficult so think, if like speaks to like, what part of your personality is being satisfied by these shortcomings in others - the need to feel needed, an overly compasionate personality, the dynamics of your parents marriage or your relationships with them. I don't necesarily mean it to be a bad thing just question what it is that is being satisfied by these traits or what traits of your own are similiar to these. We are all our own common denominator in situations like these - i.e, like speaks to like.
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Old 09-13-2009, 05:18 PM
 
20,566 posts, read 19,220,474 times
Reputation: 8159
Quote:
Originally Posted by crossing over View Post
... does that mean I have to change something about myself?

Until now, every meaningful relationship I've had turned out to be with men who've had extremely unhappy childhoods, lived a life of material deprivation when young because their families were very poor or were emotionally scarred following their parents' divorce. It seems that the men who pursue me have an emotional baggage of scars they cannot get over, issues from childhood and upbringing that make them depressed personalities.

They were all exceptionally intelligent - which is what attracted me in the first place - and busted their a$$es to build a career from scratch in order to never go back to a life of misery. Although intelligence and hard work are 2 of the qualities that impress me most in men, they also tend to abuse alcohol, behave selfishly and aloof for the most part - so even if they're not necessarily selfish towards me, the sensation of them being selfish is there all the time, I can feel it and fear it.

They all said, in non-identical words but similar content, that what they liked in me was the wit, energy and playfulness.

I wonder, is it how it's meant to be, for me to trade the above qualities just to be with someone whom I can converse at a higher level and be mentally fit with,

or perhaps

I'm marketing myself in a way that keeps attracting men who have shortcomings in the emotional department because I come across as having an 'overwhelming personality', as one of them said - so men use me to counterbalance their introvert personalities?

Hi crossing over,

I think you answered it yourself.

"which is what attracted me in the first place -"


Perhaps there are other men but you select the ones you find attractive. You may also be attracted to their vulnerability as well. Do you have an overactive nurturing instinct?

Also, if you are outgoing you may have an unusual access to these kind of men. They may be too shy to ask anyone themselves and thus only date assertive women by default. They don't use it to counter balance but rather they can only date women who approach them. Such a man is usually more available. The problem is a man who asks a women out or not is a kind of self assessment. Why does he lack confidence in the first place?
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Old 09-13-2009, 07:32 PM
 
Location: In my skin
9,230 posts, read 16,490,238 times
Reputation: 9174
Quote:
Originally Posted by gwynedd1 View Post
Perhaps there are other men but you select the ones you find attractive.
I think she meant that their intelligence is what initially attracted her. But why would she select someone she didn't find attractive? Am I misinterpreting?

OP, I can attest to being the common denominator in my less than healthy relationships. Certain women are easy targets for toxic people, they can pick up on weaknesses and vulnerabilities. I had lots of them. Do a little self examination and find out what yours may be.
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